The Period Blog: Part 3, The Final Chapter

Ah, here we are again, talking about periods.  Well, I'm talking about it...you're reading about it.  Or not...I talked to a few friends (mostly men) who said that they skipped my period blogs entirely, which didn't surprise me, truth be told.  Although I was surprised by my friend Jim, who told me that he had read both of my previous period blogs.  When I asked him why he didn't skip them, he simply responded, "Because I read all your blogs."  That made me smile.  Most men don't like to think about the idea of women having periods, despite the fact that most men live with women who have periods, and truth be told, the more they know about their woman's period, maybe the better they would be to support their lady counter-parts through it.  But perhaps not...when I'm in the throes of full-on menstrual badness, sometimes the the only things I want are to be left alone with a good book, bag of Doritos, and a pile of chocolate. 

So, when I last left off with my period, I was in full-on experimentation with the menstrual cup.  I had forfeited the first one in the hopes that the second one would be more successful.  Well, it wasn't.  Granted, the second cup was marginally better than the first, but given that the first one was pretty much a fail, marginally better wasn't really better at all.  I don't really know what went wrong, as I read review after review after review from women claiming nothing but success and love for their menstrual cups.  Of course, there were those reviews that were nothing but horror stories, and while my experience didn't fall under the category of horror story, it wasn't a positive experience either.  I spent three months worth of periods thinking that I was either anatomically weird, or mechanically inept at getting the cup to function properly.  I never did figure out what the problem was.  I read all the tips and tricks posted on various cup manufacturer's websites, I watched videos and read reviews until I figured that I couldn't possibly learn anything more about cup insertion and maintenance, and still I just couldn't get the thing to work better than your average tampon.  Given that there was a level of trust with a tampon that just wasn't there with the cups, the cups were removed from the rotation.  I don't know what to do with them...it's not like it's something that I can just give to someone else to try, although I did sterilize them...it would be perfectly safe to pass on to someone else, and given that I spent about $50 between the two of them, it would seem a waste of money to just throw them away.  But people are squeamish about that sort of thing.  So I have $50 in medical grade silicone menstrual products just hanging out in a little tote under the sink in the bathroom.

Specific issues with the cups, for those who want to know.  Getting the thing in was a struggle.  Every. Single. Time.  It never got easier.  Picture me doing yoga above the toilet with my pants around my ankles, somewhere between a squat and what would appear to be the start-off position of a sommersalt.  Well, you don't have to picture me, exactly, but someone...anyone, really.  A tube of lube clutched in one hand (because the reviews said it would be easier to get it in...it was easier, but that didn't solve the problem), and the notorious cup clutched in the other.  The cup ideally would have already been folded in either the "7," the "C," or the "W."  I tried all three.  The "C" seemed to work the best, but I still failed at it more often than I succeeded.  Apparently you're supposed to feel the thing pop open inside you...I guess that's how you know it's in there properly.  I never once felt the pop...with either cup.  In the event that I did get the thing in what seemed to be properly, it never did form that perfect seal that all the women reviewers raved about.  I was lucky if I got 2 hours out of the thing before I was having to take it out and empty it...not because I was filling it up, but because the thing would always spring a leak.  Coughing, sneezing, laughing, and changing positions suddenly came with a very real measure of fear.  During the three months that I was trialing the cups, I made sure to do as little as possible to give myself the best chance of success with the cups, and still was met with failure.  The one time I contemplated going to the gym with it, I had visions of the janitorial staff coming in with their hazmat gear to clean up what would very likely have been a mess during the squat track of my weight-lifting class.  No thanks.  If I couldn't get the cup to work when I was lying around on the couch, there was no way I was going anywhere in public with it.  Bummer for me.     

I don't want to deter anyone from trying out a cup though...out of everyone I know who has tried them, I'm the only one who never got it to work.  I think if the concept of it is something that you're interested in, then it's definitely worth a shot.  And if you're not squeamish, I have 2 different ones I'm that I'm willing to give away!!  I know, weird, but there it is anyway.  I will say, the best thing that came out of this whole alternative period lifestyle experiment was the discovery of the reusable fabric panty liners.  They really are awesome, and they work way better and are far more comfortable than the disposeable ones that you buy in the store...and, this might be TMI, but they don't have that weird smell...you know the one...kinda smells like a baby diaper.  I already despair at my nether regions during my period...having them reminiscent of a baby diaper is just insult to injury.  I tried a few different reusable liners, and the brand that I like the best is called The Essence of Eve (not a fan of the name, but then again, I'm not a fan of much of anything period related, so there you go).  You can find them in a shop on Etsy...they're made by a few gals in Utah, and demand has been so high for them that they sell out usually within hours of posting new stock.  With good reason.  They're great.  A pack of 7 will run you about $37...granted, it would take a while to recoup that cost in traditional panty liners, but the comfort more than makes up for that.  In my opinion, of course.

So, now that I've failed at the cup and am almost back where I started on my period journey, what's next?  Well, since I've labeled this the final chapter of the period blog, I've decided to do something more permanent about my monthly visitor.  I'm not interested in an IUD or going back on birth control pills...my body doesn't respond well to hormones, and the thought of having something permanently up in there gives me limp wrists.  I know a lot of women have success with and love their IUD's, but I just can't stomach the thought of them.  So, I'm going to start researching uterine ablation, which I mentioned briefly in my previous period blog.  It's a surgical procedure, and given that I work in healthcare and get to see all kinds of surgeries run amok, I'm moderately terrified by the idea.  Funny...the thought of a little piece of metal hanging out in my uterus gives me the heebie jeebies, but burning the crap out of my uterine lining?  That seems like a good idea...hahaha!  But...I'm currently halfway through this month's period, and I'm just over it.  I'm done.  I'm not interested in having children, my uterus is doing absolutely nothing but making me miserable for a quarter of the year, and my period literally serves no purpose whatsoever (other than to give me that brief moment of delight that I'm not pregnant).  So I'm going to do something about it.  Given that I was diagnosed with a type of endometriosis a couple years back (endometriosis is the phenomenon where uterine tissue starts growing in places it has no business growing...in my case, the tissue is growing inside the muscle that makes up the body of the uterus...harmless, for the most part, but it makes for painful and sometimes irregular periods), I doubt the ablation procedure will rid me of all period symptoms...I'm sure I'll still get the bloat, some cramps, the moodiness, and most certainly the wacky food cravings...ablation doesn't affect the hormone-producing ovaries, after all...but to have the ability to rid myself of the bleeding?  I'll take it. 

I should have done it a long time ago, but I just wasn't that inconvenienced enough by my periods to bother with it.  And it's not that I'm any more inconvenienced now than I was 2 years or even 2 months ago, it's just that I'm tired of being inconvenienced by it at all.  The thought of toughing out month after month of periods until menopause, knowing that the older I get the more awful they become (they're already worse now than they were 5 years ago), is just maddening.  And truth to be told, given that my periods just can't be bothered to be regular, traveling has been a bit of an obstacle because of it.  And I travel a lot...and there's a very real possibility in the next year or so that Simon and I will spend a significant amount of our time on the road traveling.  And having a period on a road trip or on vacation when available bathrooms might be scarce or nonexistent?  That's just terrible.  I'm pretty non-discriminatory when it comes to taking a pee or a poop...the side of the road will do in a pinch for those things.  But the period is not so gracious...it can't be held back by the simple act of squirming in the seat or practicing one's kegels.  Once it's there, it's there, and if not dealt with in a timely manner can result in the appearance of a small-scale crime scene.  The thought of doing a back-packing trip in the Grand Canyon while on my period sounds like one of the worst ideas ever...especially since bears can apparently smell the menstruation, and we all know how I feel about bears.  So we'll see.  I know there are a few doctors here in town who do ablation procedures, and I know a few women who have had it done who would be more than willing to give me a referral.  I just need to pick a time to do it...and find a way to pay for it, as I'm sure insurance doesn't cover that sort of thing.  Too bad I can't take the insurance benefit that I would have gotten for having children and apply it to not having children.  Can I also petition for non-maternity leave as well?  Too far? 

It's kind of funny (not funny-haha...funny-weird) to think about voluntarily and permanently making myself unable to become pregnant, when I know of several families who would give anything to be able to conceive.  Although, given that I'm not super vigilant in prevention and I've never had a legit pregnancy scare, my own fertility is questionable.  In making the decision to pursue a permanent form of birth control, I'm fighting all those long-held ideals that for years told me that I wouldn't become an adult, my life wouldn't have a bigger purpose, until I had children.  As if having children was a right of passage that should be mandatory and unquestioned, rather than optional and open for debate.  I always thought that I would someday want children, and at 36, that day still just hasn't come.  I've developed a life that I love, and children just don't fit into it.  I know that people change and there are those women out there having their first child well into their 40's and 50's, but I don't think that'll be me either.  I think some women are destined to have children, and some women are not.  I don't have the temperament or the desire to become a mother, so I'm choosing not to become one.  Sounds simple, but this was a stressful decision that was years in the making, and it didn't come easy.  But here I am.  And I'm not blowing off children simply because I hate having a period, I'm blowing off the period because I'm not having children.

So there it is.  The final chapter of the period blog.  Hopefully there won't be a follow-up blog detailing how I had my intestines scalded during the ablation procedure (apparently that's a rare adverse event...yikes!).  In any event, for those of you still struggling with a period or living with someone who does, you have my sympathies.  Carry on.