Struggles

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. To date, I have been travel nursing for 7 years and 8 months. I've been travel nursing almost twice as long as I haven't, and it's getting to the point where it's all I know. When I initially started traveling, I had the intention that I would do it until I was sick of it and would move back to Minnesota to pick up where I had left off. That's not so much of an option these days. After being away for almost 8 years, there's no longer such a thing as picking up where I left off. Life back in Minnesota went on without me, and to move back now I feel like it would be more like starting over. Of course I still have friends and family back in Minnesota who would love to have me back, but things are different now. People have gotten married, had children, moved to different parts of the state...they've gotten on with their lives, while I still seem to be in the same place. Not physically, of course, given that in the last 7+ years I've lived and worked in 9 different states. I guess in a traditional life-view, I'm still in the same place...not married, no kids, no home, no stable job. As the years have gone by, I've gotten more and more okay with my 'same place.' Almost to the point where I find it hard to relate to those who have gone the traditional route. In a sense, I've alienated myself. But in the process, I've also aligned myself with those who are like me, and there are, surprisingly, a lot of us. My personal life is full of brief camaraderies with people who are constantly coming and going. My map of friends is dotted with people in many different states, and even a few countries. I've had the opportunity to experience American culture in a lot of its variances...as a nation America really is very diverse, and I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to experience it.

So what's the struggle, if life in my same place seems to suit me so well? There was always option 2, which was the idea that I would travel nurse until I found a place where I would like to stay. And part of me thinks that I may have found that place. Flagstaff has been an absolute dream. Everything about it just pulls me in. I love the people, the food, the culture, the weather, the sunshine, the mountains, the nature...I could go on about all the merits of this town. And it's not like I haven't been to places that have had all kinds of wonderful things. North Carolina still holds a special place in my heart. I miss Vermont. Living near the water in Florida was amazing. Even Arkansas had its merits. What sets Flagstaff apart, the proverbial icing on the cake, is the hospital. Flagstaff Medical Center is by far the best hospital I have ever worked in. Since I've been working, I feel like I can't stress enough the importance of liking your job. If you don't like your job, that dislike infects every other aspect of your life. It's hard to be truly happy when one of the most time-consuming aspects of your life makes you miserable. I have very little sympathy or tolerance for people who continually complain about, yet choose to stay, at a job they hate. If you hate your job so much, get a different one. Go back to school, find a career that makes you happy (easier said than done, I know...but if you want something bad enough, you find a way to make it happen). I'm happy at the hospital in Flagstaff. I don't have that feeling of disdain before going into work, surrendering to the dread of what lies ahead in the upcoming shift. I work with truly wonderful people, in a health system that truly seems to care about its employees. That's a rare combo these days, my friends, which is a sad fact in its own right. Even the patients here are different. I've never had the pleasure of caring for such decent people in my life. Of course there are always those outliers who make me want to rip all my hair out and subsequently shove it down their throats, but luckily there seem to be far less of them here than in any other place I've worked.

So I'm struggling with the part of me that wants to stay, and the part of me that wants to go. In the past few weeks I've been perusing real estate and rental websites, scouring Craigslist for furniture and whatnot. And I end every web session feeling depressed and defeated. Was it really this hard when I bought my house in Rochester? I remember being so excited about that, and Flagstaff seems to have so much more to offer me than Rochester, so why am I not excited now? Is it not the right time? Am I afraid of commitment? And what perplexes me even more, is that Simon, the guy who up until this point had described himself as 'always having one foot out the door' when it comes to living situations, is ready to pack up and move to Flagstaff tomorrow.

So why am I losing my shit? Why all the anxiety? What's the big deal? I wish I knew. On one hand, the travel nursing is stressful. Picking up and moving every 3-6 months is not as glamorous as it sounds...most people think it doesn't sound glamorous at all, and they're mostly right. Moving sucks. Even when you're excited about where you're going, the actual act of moving is a pain in the butt. I've lost or damaged countless things in our moves, and while most things are replaceable, the act of replacing something that has already been replaced two or three times prior is annoying. And I have so many things that I've been keeping in storage for the past 8 years...my books, my chicken trinkets, my photo albums and scrapbooks, my kitchen gadgets, my artwork...there just isn't room to take all that stuff with me on a temporary move. The thought of staying put for a while actually does sound quite appealing. Learning a new hospital and everything that goes along with starting a new job every 3-6 months is stressful. Granted, after about 2 weeks I settle in nicely and feel mostly comfortable in my job. Learning and exploring a new town every 3-6 months is stressful, but its also really exciting too. I like to explore...everything from grocery stores to local markets to local attractions. I like to get out and see what there is to see. And that's the part that worries me the most. What if I feel stagnant? What if I get bored? What if after 7 months here I get that unscratchable itch to be somewhere else? 

I guess in the event that I get shifty, I follow my own advice...do something about it.  Take a trip.  Go on a cruise, fly home for a few days, take a step back and figure out the things in the area that I haven't done, and do them.  I've got friends and family all over the country, it's not like I don't have anyone or anywhere to visit.  I know I'll like living here.  Heck, I've been here for almost a year already and there are still new things to be found, new things to eat, new things to see, new things to do.  I feel like I haven't yet exhausted all there is to do in this area.  And at the end of the day, as long as I have Simon and the dogs with me, I'll be happy wherever I am.  They are my home, my center, my happy place.  Everything else is just details.  

In the process of deciding to make the move out here, it's been helped along by some really great people.  A coworker of mine told me the other night that she wants to adopt me so that I'll have to stay here.  From the outset my boss has hinted that he would love to have me join his staff.  It's nice to hear that people appreciate me, because I feel that far too often, people don't verbalize their compliments.  Not that I need to be showered with praise at a constant, but it's nice to know that people not only appreciate me while I'm here, but that they would like for me to stay a little while longer.  Simon's boss and his coworkers have also been hassling him for quite some time now about going on staff.  Knowing that we'll be inserting ourselves into a positive environment makes the decision that much easier.  I briefly spoke with my boss recently about going on staff, and I verbalized my concerns about giving up this gypsy lifestyle.  He told me there is always the option of taking a leave of absence to get those travel jitters out of my system.  Like I said earlier, this hospital takes care of its employees...it's like they really care about whether we're happy or not. 

So that's where I'm at.  I started this blog earlier in the week, and in the past few days I've really come to accept that a move to Flagstaff is in my future.  And I'm okay with it.  I'm more than okay with it.  I'm looking forward to it.  And I hope a lot of you are looking forward to coming to visit me here...you just might find yourself wanting to uproot too.  This place does that to a person.  When Simon and I were in orientation back in October, the director of nursing told us that Mt. Elden (one of the mountains here in Flagstaff) will call you back should you decide to leave.  At that time I thought she was little full of it.  Now I get it...and I hear it, loud and clear. 

It's Been A While...

Which is weird to say, since prior to May of this year my blogs were sporadic at best.  I liked blogging more frequently in May.  Then June came around and I feel like I got really busy.  Busy with Vegas.  Busy with work.  Busy with Flagstaff.  Busy busy busy.  But I'm grateful for the business of my life.  It means that I'm not sitting around doing nothing and being bored.  I actually kind of cherish those few hours a week when I truly do have nothing to do.  I sit on the couch and do nothing.  And I don't feel guilty about it for a minute.

So I went to Las Vegas earlier this month for a bachelorette party.  Part of me was apprehensive about it, given that the last time I was in Vegas there was a slew of family drama going on and none of us really had all that great of a time.  And it was Halloween weekend, which gave women of all shapes an sizes the idea that all the they really needed to wear in public was a bra, panties, and maybe some angel wings or devil horns.  I'm sure some of you are thinking, 'What's so wrong with that?'  Plenty, my friends, plenty.  Think of the chubbiest, most unkempt woman you know.  Now picture her in thong undies and a bra that's 2 sizes too small.  Yeah.  Now picture that same scenario, only this time it's your grandma.  Nothing good can come of that.  So yeah...I don't recommend going to Vegas over Halloween weekend...it was too much badness, and even the beauty and simplicity of the fountains at the Bellagio couldn't take away the feeling that Vegas was nothing but a place for people to behave badly.  Eee gads. For some, the code of conduct changes drastically the minute those lights hit their eyes, the dings and beeps of slot machines assaults their ears, and the smell of piped in, artificially scented air fills their nostrils.  I am both amazed an appalled by Las Vegas.  I think Las Vegas gives people the opportunity to be whomever they want and to behave however they choose.  It's a place to let loose and feel like you're getting away with something you might not typically get away with...even if you're not doing anything wrong.  I feel like people put too much stock in the debauchery of Vegas.  If you're going to dress like a tramp in Vegas, why not do it at home?  Why is it acceptable to walk around with your butt hanging out the bottom of your dress in Vegas, but not at home?  If you truly want to go out and make bad decisions, I think a person is perfectly capable of doing it within a 50 mile radius of where they live. Behaving badly in Vegas doesn't make those transgressions any less real.  I honestly couldn't tell you the number of times that my rear got a random squeeze from a random person.  I found myself thinking, "Meh, it's Vegas."  When really, that sort of behavior anywhere else would have had me spinning around and giving the business to the unwelcome groper.  So why is it okay in Vegas?  I don't know.  I guess that's just kind of what you sign up for when you go there.  Not that I go there for that...that's just part of it...a very small part of it, I might add.  I still think you can have whatever kind of time you want in Vegas...you can be as clean as you want, as dirty as you want, or maybe a little something in between.  Luckily for me, this recent trip was much more tame, and I'm happy to report that everyone (for the most part) was fully clothed.  My favorite part of the bachelorette party, besides getting to hang with some really cool girls, was the Circ de Soliel show, La Reve.  It was amazing.  The way those people are able to fling their bodies around and hold poses that absolutely defy gravity is astounding.  Vegas has about 8 different Circ shows, and I would love to be able to see more of them.  Walking up and down the strip doing some people watching is also a pretty good time.  You see street performers, people from all walks of life and from all over the world, there's drinks to be had and food to be eaten.  Each hotel and casino is like a palace full of infinite things to look at and experience.  I am amazed by the architecture and design that goes into some of those places.  I could spend days just wandering through the hotels marveling at the lengths that were taken to recreate a promenade in Paris, the canals of Venice, or the New York skyline.  As long as you don't look to closely, Vegas can be a pretty nice place.  There really is no other place like it.  I couldn't, however, keep myself from thinking about how much raw sewage is running through that place at any given moment...seriously.  Oh and the pool chair culture?  I hate it.  People get up early in the morning and throw towels down on the loungers for themselves and their friends, then go back up to their hotel rooms to sleep off their hangovers, leaving those of us who actually want to go to the pool while we're there, unable to find a seat.  By the fourth day we were there, I was fed up with it and just started pulling towels.  If there wasn't some sort of item there to mark the presence of an actual person, that towel was gone.  My friends called me the towel Nazi after that...hahaha!  Honestly.  I'm surprised the people working the pool area aren't more on top of that.  People who actually plan on using the pool shouldn't have to wander around aimlessly for 20 minutes to find a chair, and they certainly shouldn't have to put their towels on the ground and lay on the cement while there are "reserved" chairs sitting empty.  Chaps my hide.  

So I've decided that I'm going to try to start cutting wheat out of my diet.  I know, everyone is doing the trendy gluten-free thing these days, and for some I think it is trendy.  For others I think it's a beneficial dietary change.  For me I think it's more of a nutritional thing.  I've been exercising, I've been watching what I eat, and I've been trying as best as I can to get as many vitamins as I can from what I eat.  I know there is some nutritional value to wheat products, but for the most part, it seems that wheat products are just empty calories.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good piece of peanut butter toast in the morning, a box of mac and cheese on a lazy day, or a nice big chunk of warm cornbread with Jim's fantastic baby back ribs.  But nutritionally and calorically, I'm better off eating more fruits and veggies and less glutenous carbohydrates.  I'm not going to take it to the point of obsessively reading labels and removing everything with even a speck of wheat in it from my diet...I'm just going to go after the more obvious sources of wheat.  Bread and pasta, mostly.  And my beloved chocolate chip cookies.  Sad!  Well, not that I won't ever eat the cookies...I still will...I will just eat less of them, less often.  I really can't vouch for the dietary benefits of eating less wheat products as I haven't done a ton of research on it myself...I'm mostly just going by the experiences of my friends and family...all of whom have decreased or removed the wheat in their diets for various reasons.  Some was for weight loss, some for diabetes, some for allergies, and some for intolerances.  The majority of them have commented on how much better they feel, how they don't feel bloated, how they've managed to lose those pounds that just wouldn't come off, how they don't feel tired or crash after a carb-laden meal.  So yeah...I don't have a real strong reason for cutting out wheat; it's just something that I want to try.  And maybe as a side benefit, this pesky eczema I have on my hands will finally go away.  Here's to hoping, right?  Another goal of mine is to make as many wheat-containing foods as I can myself.  I'm sick of eating foods that are filled with artificial coloring, artificial flavoring, corn syrup, sugar, hydrogenated oils, trans fats, and preservatives.  I always think of tortillas when I think about processed food.  Take a gander at the ingredient list of tortillas sometime...it's about 5x as long as it should be, considering that you can make tortillas yourself with nothing but flour, oil, salt, and water.  Since I've been eating less processed food and making more things from scratch at home, I feel like processed food obtained elsewhere tastes like chemicals.  I had a sip of pepsi while I was in Vegas and I wanted to spit it out...nothing about it tasted good.  I heard along the way somewhere that your taste palate changes about every 7 years.  I suppose that explains why I really enjoy tomatoes now, when for the longest time I couldn't stand them.      

I fell off the running wagon again.  Which is pretty inconvenient given that I have a half-marathon to run in about six weeks. I seem to always manage to climb back on, but it's tough.  I recently trashed about four pairs of my running shoes since they were giving me blisters.  I got some wicked blisters the other day from a hike...a hike!  Walking!  That's not supposed to happen, but it did.  So I went to this running store here in town called Run Flagstaff, and I was professionally fitted there for the right shoes for me.  They have an amazing set-up there...a pretty fancy treadmill, and a camera behind it that records your stride while you're running.  All the people working there are also runners themselves.  The gal I was working with put the video feed of me running up on a big TV, slowed it down, and we analyzed my gait.  Apparently I don't pronate (ankles collapsing in) as much as I think I do.  Turns out I've also been wearing shoes that offer too much stability...who knew you could ever have too much stability?  Isn't more stability better than less?  Apparently not.  So the stability factor of my shoes may have been the culprit behind all the blisters.  I guess we'll find out when I take my first run in my new shoes...whenever that may be...maybe once the monsoons roll in and we get less heat and a little more humidity...this dry, hot air absolutely kills my lungs.  So my feet are back in Mizuno's, a brand that I haven't worn since 2010...I remember wearing them a lot the summer Simon and I were in North Carolina...I got a lot of blisters that summer too, but I was wearing the highest stability shoe that Mizuno offers, so that might be why.  It's interesting...all these things you learn as you go about trying something new.  I've been running for just over a year now and I'm still learning new things about it all the time.    

So while I've been off the running wagon, I've been back on the scrapbooking wagon.  I haven't been on the scrapbooking wagon since the winter of 2010.  I do that.  I struggle with scrapbooking.  Not because it's hard...it's really not.  I'm about the laziest scrapbooker ever.  I just take some double-sided tape, put it on the back of movie stubs, pictures, wedding invites, whatever I happen to have collected from over the years, and slap it all on a page.  I rarely label anything.  I do put things in chronological order though...it would be too confusing otherwise.  Where I struggle with scrapbooking is the overall reason for doing it in the first place.  It's not like I'm going to have kids to pass these on to.  I doubt my nephew or cousins will ever want them.  If anything, I guess they'll be something entertaining for the guests to flip through at my funeral.  There is a nice sense of accomplishment when I look at the stack of completed pages after an afternoon spent taping and organizing at the table.  And scrapbooks are really fun to look through.  They offer a much more personalized view into the life of a person.  I still have scraps and stuff from high school.  I started a few high school pages the other day, but things just weren't flowing so I went back to more current events.  I also purchased an Epson Picturemate Charm photo printer that I use so I can add photos amongst my scraps.  It's a great little thing.  If you're looking for a printer that does only photos, I highly recommend it.  So yeah...scrapbooking is like wandering down memory lane.  If you've ever sent me a Christmas card, a wedding invite, gone with me to a show, sent me a birth or wedding announcement, left me a note on the table, or sent me a letter just because...you've probably made the book.  Or books...as this project will most likely be.  I sat down and did the majority of the scraps from 2012 and cranked out upwards of 25 pages.  My goal is have most of the scraps on pages by the end of this assignment.  We'll see how well that goes.

I feel like I keep adding things to my everyday life, but I'm not really taking much away.  Scrapbooking, running, exercising, improving my diet, selling my Lululemon collection on eBay (and coincidentally, replacing it...doh!), finding new restaurants and enjoying the staples, hanging out with friends (like in Burlington, Vermont, Simon and I have made some really great friends here in Flagstaff), thinking about getting a cruiser bike (although I probably won't), trying to keep up with dog hair, laundry, and dishes.  I'm lucky I only work three days a week or I probably wouldn't find the time to do half the things I'm doing.  My life is full, and that's a good thing.  For the rest of the assignment out here, I'm looking forward to the rainy season, which should be arriving any time now.  I'm looking forward to my family coming at the end of month, and to camping with friends in the middle of the month.  I'm looking forward to getting in more hikes, more runs, and just more in general.  I hope my old body (and mind!) can keep up!  :)

I've recently made little monsters out of my dogs.  Some of you may be of the opinion that they've always been monsters, and I suppose you might be right.  I started Brie on bladder and joint supplements back in May...I'm not sure they're actually accomplishing anything, but there's a sense of well-being that comes along with being proactive.  They're chewable little tabs that I just throw in her dish along with her food in the morning and in the evening.  Not to be left out, Cooper now refuses to eat until I also throw "something" into his dish as well.  And it doesn't matter if I fill their dishes with my back to them, keeping the filling of the bowls in secret, he still knows if there is something extra in his dish or not.  So I've started breaking apart a little dog treat and throwing it in his dish with feedings.  And now he usually eats right away.  Well, he eats right away as long as I sit at the table and wait for him to finish.  If I try to multi-task during feeding times it's likely that one or both of them will refuse to eat.  This just started recently.  Brie gets anxious when I'm not in the direct line of her very limited sight...meaning she gets anxious sometimes walking right past me because she can't see me.  I reach out a hand quite frequently to her now, just to let her know I'm there.  I have no explanation for Cooper's refusal to eat if I'm not nearby.  The most logical explanation is that he's just a little tit baby and wants to be wherever I am, even if that means missing a meal.  I tell you what, the longer I have these dogs, the more I think they're training me, not the other way around.  They let me think I was training them for a while, but I think they've been manipulating me all along.

It is definitely tourist season here in Flagstaff, and they're here in droves.  If I thought the driving was infuriating before, the bar has just been raised.  More often than not, rather than going 5 miles under the speed limit, people are frequently going 10 miles under.  And I get it.  They're lost.  They're looking for their turn, they're listening to their GPS units that are about 2 beats behind, causing them to try to turn left where there is no left, to slow down a half mile before their turn approaches.  I've come to the conclusion that using a GPS has a direct correlation with poor or non-existent blinker usage, inadequate gas pedal pressure, and over-reactive brake pedal pumping.  Some people seem to just drive with one foot on the gas, and one on the brake.  Taking the scooter out requires the utmost attention and vigilance.  And giving the stink-eye to every single person attempting to make a left turn.  I don't know what it is about the lefties, but in almost every situation where I've almost been hit on my scooter, it's always been by someone turning left.  Probably because lefties are always looking in multiple directions before they turn.  I'll be the first to admit that I have left-turn anxiety.  I've been honked at multiple times for not buzzing out into traffic while making a left.  I like to turn out into clear lanes of traffic, what's the big deal?  I wish more people would do the same.  Unless I'm sitting behind them, then I don't appreciate the waiting...hahaha!  As I drive down the road cursing out motorists who probably are completely unaware of their poor driving, I can't help but wonder how many people are behind me doing the same.

So I guess that's it...for now.  I have a list of things I want to blog about, but I'll get to that later.  I need to go to the mailbox, do some laundry, put the dishes away, pick up the apartment, eat something, maybe get around to bathing the dogs (that's been on the to-do list for about a month now), and go to the grocery store.  And maybe downtown to wander through the shops.  I don't have anything better to do, and Simon is out biking to the top of a mountain with one of his friends.  He's really discovered a new love for mountain biking.  He knows better than to ask me to come along, though...hahaha!  How well he knows me and both my aversion to exercise, and my fear of death.  :)  Life is good.