One of the biggest accomplishments of 2018 was that Simon and I purchased our first home together. It's monumental really, given Simon's intense aversion to debt (but it's good debt, right??). It's a cute little log cabin in the neighborhood of Mountainaire, which is right outside Flagstaff. It's 1,100 square feet of pure cuteness, and has been such a great space for us to be. It's perched at the top of a rather precarious hill, but contrary to my initial reservations with a 2 wheel-drive vehicle, has been easy enough to get to the top of in inclement winter weather. It's got a great outdoor space, and the previous owners did a great job of setting us up with some very minimal and easy to manage landscaping. I was so excited to see a patch of irises come up this spring in the front yard. One of my favorite things about the cabin is the woodstove...it's so warm and cozy and has made winter that much more bearable. I'm still working on my fire-starting skills, which are hindered by the fact that I'm too lazy to cut kindling and try to start whole logs on fire using nothing but paper. Luckily Simon usually gets out of bed before me so he starts the majority of the fires (with kindling, because he likes any opportunity to use his hatchet). Needless to say, we love our new place and it was the perfect change that we needed after living and renting in Flagstaff for five and a half years. I guess this means we're staying here for a while. :)
Another big change for us in 2018 was selling our beloved but problematic camper van, BAVerly. She was a heartbreak kid, let me tell you. We learned several things during our two years with her, namely the most important one being that we will never, ever, ever, ever own a Mercedes ever again, nor will we ever recommend one to any of our friends. Say what you want about the reliability of luxury automobile manufacturers, when they start going downhill, they go fast and they take your savings account with them. We did have a lot of fun with her and she gave us some really cool experiences while she was with us, but her reliability had become sketchy at best and I wasn't sad in the least to see her go. We also traded in our Jeep for a minivan, an idea that was spearheaded by Simon, believe it or not. I was shocked, to be honest, as I've been joking for years about how we should get a minivan because they are the perfect multi-purpose vehicle. After having the minivan for most of 2018, we can definitely say that's absolutely true. From camping to road trips to Home Depot runs to gathering firewood to hauling carloads of friends, there's very little that this van can't do. Granted, it's not an exciting vehicle, but it gets the job done and we're pretty pleased with it.
In the spring of this year I fell in love with a Surly Moonlander, which is a fat bike, otherwise known as a snowbike to those who are disdainful of the very existence of fat bikes. To simplify matters, a fat bike is just a regular bike with really big tires. They can roll through mud, sand, and snow like a breeze, and can roll over just about anything that gets in their path. And oh my goodness how fun they are to ride. I think it's all the bouncing from those massive tires. Maybe some people don't like bouncing, but I get a kick out of it...hahaha! I don't think I've had this much fun on a bike since I was a little kid. I literally giggle and have a permanent smile on my face the whole time I'm riding. When I was still living in town, I commuted everywhere on that bike, and even though it loses speed pretty quickly on hills, I didn't care a bit because it was so much fun. As an aside, those big tires make so much noise that it sounds like a jet taking off...I love the sound of them! If you haven't ridden one, I highly recommend it!
Spring also marked the crash and burn of one of my very closest friendships (also a roommate) here in Flagstaff, and it's something that I'm still working through. I never thought at 38 years old that I would be having epic friendship fall outs, and thus found myself completely unprepared for the mental and emotional struggles that it presented. Being a relatively open, fair, compromising person, I was also unprepared for the struggles of living with a person who is not. At one point towards the end of things I attempted to have a meaningful conversation with this friend, and rather than being reciprocal in my approach, she proceeded to unload 18 months worth of harbored resentments on me in one fell swoop, the majority of which I was hearing for the very first time, reducing us to a screaming disaster that went on for hours. Those of you who know me best and have had the misfortune of seeing me at my worst know that even at my very worst, I'm not a screamer. That just isn't the way I resolve conflicts, but it's the way this person resolves her conflicts. I was ashamed and angry and incredibly frustrated that she was able to bring me down to her level, and for a long time I blamed myself entirely for that. I tried very hard to resolve things, to change my behavior so as not to upset her, but eventually I realized that I was giving 110% and getting nothing in return but more negativity. My friendship with her was also negatively affecting my relationships with those around me. I was surly, I was depressed, I was withdrawn, and I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. I escalated immediately to the smallest of infractions, and held onto that anger for far longer than was necessary. I would lay in bed with the covers over my head waiting for her to leave the house, wondering all the while what I had done to deserve to be treated so poorly. I knew that the friendship had to go when Simon approached me and told me that my efforts to salvage the friendship were negatively affecting our marriage. I had been putting so much mental and emotional energy into saving the friendship that I had nothing left for anyone else. So I let it go. I wish it were actually that simple, but in a nutshell, and with a little help, that's what I did.
Which brings me to another new facet of 2018. I went to counseling for the first time. In the process of letting go of the toxic friendship, I had a lot of unresolved anger, frustration, guilt, and anxiety. Anger over the way I was treated, frustration at my response to it, guilt over giving up on the friendship, and anxiety about seeing this person out and about and not knowing what my reaction to her might be. Truth be told, I was afraid that my anger and frustration would cause me to unpredictably say or do something that I might regret, and that's the last thing that I wanted. At my first session, I explained why I was there and what I hoped to gain from seeking therapy. Let's be honest, it was a lot of "she did this" and "she said that" and a complete recapping of everything about her and our interactions that had made me so upset and angry. What surprised me the most is that the therapist didn't comment much on my retelling of my woes about my failed friendship, but instead shifted the focus of my energy into looking inward at myself and at what makes me a good person deserving of love, affection, and friendship; in turn she helped me to recognize the qualities of individuals who are deserving of those things from me, and to distinguish them from those who are not. She also gave me some tools for bringing myself back down during an escalation, and helped me to divert some of that negative energy and anger into something more positive. Overall, it was really good, and actually the techniques used and the changes that were made were very simple. It just goes to show that you don't know what you don't know, and that admitting you need help is the first step in helping yourself out.
Here's a little tidbit that I struggled with in regards to therapy. I lost a friendship and was having a hard time dealing with it. There was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "You're 38 years old and a friendship went belly up. Poor you. As if that's a legitimate problem compared to other problems in the world." I almost talked myself out of therapy over those thoughts. But here's the thing...it's my life, and I want to live my best life, and not knowing how to deal with my anger was having a very real and very negative affect on my attempt at living my best life. So yes, while falling out of a friendship isn't the same as being abused, or having a mental illness, or an addiction, my happiness and my well-being were very much affected by my emotional state. Our reality is our reality, and it's up to us to seek out the tools to make our lives as good as they can possibly be. If that means seeking out therapy for issues both big and small, that's what it means. I would also like to Northern Arizona Healthcare for providing therapy sessions through our Employee Assistance Program. Had I been responsible for paying for the therapy sessions myself, I probably would have put off going longer than I had, or I wouldn't have gone at all.
You know the best part about all of this? The blossoming of all the friendships that have come about with the demise of the toxic one. I hadn't realized how much of myself I had been withholding from other people until that one person who had been consuming all my energy was suddenly gone from my life. It was a total 'can't the see the forest for the trees' kind of realization, and it felt so incredibly good to not only have seemingly endless amounts of energy to give to people, but to be open to receive it in return.
So I've been mentioning energy a lot, and I think that stems from another new facet of 2018 for me. I started going to yoga. I'd been dabbling in yoga for years and just never really liked it. There was always an excuse for that...I didn't like the instructor, I didn't like the space, I was physically incapable of getting into some of the poses, it didn't feel like a workout the way going to the gym did, the meditation portion seemed stupid and there were so many other things I could have been doing while I was just lying there on the floor breathing. Some of you are nodding along with me because I know you've had the same experience with yoga. I think what turned things around for me was finding a studio that I liked, and most importantly, finding an instructor that I liked. As with anything challenging, having the right support makes all the difference. I go to Yoga Revolution here in Flagstaff. Not going to lie, prior to their studio opening, they ran a strong Instagram campaign. I couldn't log in without seeing one of their promotional ads, featuring either a distinguished looking tattooed bearded man in Buddy Holly glasses (Dave), or a tall skinny blonde woman with pink streaks in her hair wearing cowboy boots and a blissful smile on her face (Staci). I was intrigued. So I went. First off, the space really speaks to me on a personal level. They keep the lights low, they have candles burning at the front of the room, and best of all, it's heated (but not too hot) by these wonderful heaters in the ceiling that give off a warm, comforting glow. I think for me, I needed to separate myself from the idea that yoga is a workout in the traditional sense, and this dark, warm, comfy space allows me to do that. Yoga definitely is a workout, but it's so much more than that. At the beginning, I really struggled both mentally and physically, which was to be expected. My flexibility was almost non-existent, and my attention span waxed and waned, and yes, for those first few sessions, I was definitely making a grocery list in my head during the mediation portion at the end of class, but I kept going, and I kept telling myself (with inspiration from Staci), that I had no where else to be, that this hour of yoga was just for me, and that most of all, I deserved this time for myself. Believe it or not, it worked. I'd be sitting there on my mat at the beginning of class, bombarded by thoughts of what else I could be doing, what I needed to be doing, grocery lists, errands to run, bills to pay, places to go, worries about everything from family to friends to finances, anxieties about personal interactions, misgivings about going to work that evening; after a while I was able to push all that away and just focus on the fact that I had an hour to myself to stretch and breathe and move and share a space with people who were doing the exact same thing. In a word, two words really, it was life changing. I am so thankful to Yoga Revolution and their fantastic line-up of instructors who inspire me, who gently guide me along, who encourage me, and who give me the time and the space to do something good for myself. I don't know that I'll ever be able to do a handstand or the splits (maybe something to add to Betterments 2019?), but I'm okay with that, and most of all, I'm not disappointed by that. In the words of Staci, 'You do you,' and everything else is extra.
The @alicepicklebottoms account on Instagram continues to flourish. I think it's funny that an entire account devoted to people taking pictures with their pants down continues to draw interest, but I'm thankful for it as well as that account has given me plenty of giggles along the way. I'm impressed by the number of people who willingly play along and send me their mooning pictures from all over the world. United by butts. Who knew??
All in all, 2018 was a pretty great year with lots of learning, fun trips, great friends, and it set us up nicely for so many things to look forward to in the coming year. Keep on the lookout for my 2019 Betterments post, coming soon!
