The Rescue Blues

It's the wee hours of the morning, and I can't sleep.

It's 1am and I have a sweet little cattle dog sitting next to me, nudging my forearm every now and again for pets.  Her name is Alice, renamed from her original name of Buckie, that she was given by the humane society here in Flagstaff. I felt like Buckie sounded too much like a boy name, and that she deserved something a little more dignified and befitting to her ladylike demeanor. I also think that human names for animals are hilarious, and given that Alice would most likely have been my first choice had I had a little human girl of my own, I figured giving the name to a dog was fitting.

There wasn't much backstory for Alice. She was a stray that was brought in to the humane society. She has a docked tail and wasn't spayed, and could quite possibly have been a breeder, as I'm pretty sure she's a pure-bred Blue Heeler. A Texas Spotted, according to the gal at the boarding kennel we had her housed at for a few days while we were out of town. She knows how to sit, and does it readily and happily, particularly if she thinks you might be harboring a treat somewhere on your person. And even if you don't, she will still run right up to you and sit anyway. She seems incredibly intelligent and very eager to please. I'm pretty sure my roommate was almost 90% successful in training her to rollover in just a few attempts. I set up a crate and she immediately went into it and laid down. This dog had to have belonged to someone at some point; how she ended up at the humane society, I guess we'll never know. She has a funny little chuffing cough and doesn't seem to be able to bark, despite all appearances that she's trying. She's absolutely beautiful, with a speckled grey coat and a smattering of white across her nose. She has one solid little black spot on her short little nub of a tail, which always seems to be wagging and wiggling. She's definitely got that intense heeler personality, and made her rounds last evening when the three of us in the house happened to be in separate rooms. She's quick moving, but also readily relaxes once she's ascertained that everything is as it should be. She's a little jumpy, which I think is to be expected given her breed and her recent situation at the shelter, and isn't a huge fan of having her paws touched. Upon entering the house, she went to every window and popped up to look out to see what there was to see. She does the heeler lean, slumping into your legs while being petted, staring adoringly into your eyes, begging you to never stop.

She really didn't pay too much attention to Cooper, nor he to her. She met my neighbor and coworker Steff, who happened to be out on a walk with her little boy and was totally rocking a new pixie cut. She went right up to the little guy, game him a sniff, and reveled in his affections. Alice seems to really like Simon quite a bit, following him from place to place like a little shadow. Ironic, really, given that he doesn't like dogs all that much but tolerates me having them because he knows they make me happy. 

Last night Alice attacked Cooper. I had just given her her nightly antibiotic pill. Looking back, it was incredibly stupid on my part to have given her that in front of him, as he immediately followed her to investigate what tasty nibble she had gotten. She gave all the warning signs for him to back off...bared her teeth, growled low in her throat, and held her head low over the remains of the peanut butter treat I had hidden the pill in. Cooper is deaf and mostly blind, and whether he picked up on her signs or not, she didn't give him time to deliberate and was on him in a second. I was maybe three feet away at the time, seeing what was coming but powerless to stop it. It happened so incredibly fast, and it took three of us to pull her off of him. There was a moment there where I thought that not only was she going to bite my roommate, who fearlessly and immediately jumped right into the middle of it, but that she was going to kill my little dog right there in front of me.

Earlier this spring I saw my neighbor's pug mauled nearly to death by a roving neighborhood dog. I was, and still am, incredibly traumatized by bearing witness to that. Luckily the little pug survived, but just barely. Over the years I've caught plenty of nature shows, and have seen just how brutal animals can be to each other, but it was always through a screen; there was always a degree of separation that didn't prepare me for seeing something brutally mauled right in front of my face. Everything I felt that day came rushing back to me in an instant as I cuddled Cooper on the couch afterwards, looking him over from head to toe to make sure that he was okay. Given how brutal the attack appeared to me, Cooper seemed rather nonplussed, and was his usual resistant self when all I wanted was for him to sit on my lap and give me comfort. Funny that, he's the one who gets attacked and I'm the one needing to be comforted. I felt so terrible about the whole thing that I was physically nauseated and couldn't bear to eat, despite the fact that my roommate had made some pretty amazing macaroni and cheese in the Instant Pot. If you know me at all, you know I don't miss a meal for anything, and I never skip the opportunity to eat mac and cheese.

I know that there are dog psychologists and trainers, and that she probably just needs more time, and that there's so much to learn about resource guarding and adding another member to the pack, but I just can't stand the thought that she might someday really hurt or even kill my little buddy, or that she might hurt one of us as we try to keep her from hurting him. The fact that she attacked him makes me wonder how she'll be with other dogs. They told me at the shelter that she was good with other dogs, but how could they really know? Having worked in a shelter in the past, I know that the shelter environment is no place to gauge an animal's personality. I should have spent more time with her before comitting to the adoption. I should have slept on it. I should have listened to Simon's hesitations.

There's a big part of me that feels like I'm not trying hard enough, that this is just another example of me rushing into a decision without the proper forethought and planning, which has become such a predictable and classic character flaw for me. I feel like such a failure. It wasn't fair of me to have trusted her so implicitly so soon. This is all relatively new for her...we're new, Cooper is new, the house is new...she's experiencing everything with us for the first time, just as we are with her. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm in way over my head, and I feel like the longer I wait, the more opportunity and inevitability there is for her to hurt Cooper. I have little doubt in my mind that she will attack him again, most likely over something food related. The thought of feeding them in the morning is now terrifying. I certainly can't trust them alone, and after the attack I won't let Cooper out of my sight for even a second. I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep her. I don't know how I would live with myself knowing that I brought this other dog into the house who hurt my loyal little companion of 14 years. He doesn't deserve that, he didn't ask for it, and I think given the choice, he'd be perfectly content to remain an only dog for whatever time he has left here with us. 

So I'm sitting up tonight with this beautiful little girl while she sleeps all curled up in a pet bed next to me, softly snoring and sighing. I feel like I owe her that much and probably more, knowing that this coming morning will be our last day together, that I will be returning her to the shelter from which she came, in the hopes that maybe she'll be a fantastic dog for a different family. Maybe if I didn't have Cooper, things would be different. But I do have him, and I will continue to have him, and it's not right or fair for me to compromise his safety on a whim. I really wanted this to work out so badly, I was so excited to have an adventure dog, but I guess maybe this just isn't the right time, and maybe she's just not the right dog. But this is Flagstaff, everyone goes nuts over their heelers in this town, and I know she'll be a great addition to someone else's pack. I wish she could have been for ours.

Gratitudes

I'd just like to take a moment to thank all the people who have recently had such a positive impact on my life. These past few months have been tough for me, as I had been dealing with a relationship in my personal life that had been making me incredibly stressed and unhappy. For the most part, I did the best I could to try to make the best of it, to change it where I could, to try to find understanding, and to just get through it with the majority of my sanity intact. I didn't realize until recently how much this relationship was affecting pretty much all aspects of my life. I was withdrawn, I was sad, I was angry, I was frustrated, and I was incredibly negative. I was also upset with myself for letting this relationship affect me the way that it did. I have always considered myself to be a strong person, to shrug off negativity, and to move on when things had played themselves out, but this situation was different, and it was something that I hadn't dealt with before.

It took me a while to realize how sad, lonely, and depressed I was feeling, and how those feelings were taking over my life. Let's be honest...we all have sad, lonely days, and they're definitely not something that most of us post about on Facebook or Instagram, but the reality of the situation is that they happen to each and every one of us, and sometimes we've got the right tools to deal with them, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're comfortable reaching out and asking for help, and sometimes we're not. Sometimes we just lay in bed with the covers over our heads and hope that somehow, magically, our negative situations will just work themselves out. Sometimes we don't even realize how sad we are until our situation dramatically changes.

I've always been a strong proponent of the idea that if there's something about your life that you don't like, then do everything you can to change it. Sounds simple enough, but the fact of the matter is that change isn't easy, and sometimes it takes a significant amount of time and energy for it come about. There are sacrifices, compromises, and losses along the way that all play a factor, and sometimes their merit isn't always obvious amongst the struggles. I've learned that if a relationship is worth saving, sometimes there are hard conversations that need to be had, and there is a certain amount of mutual respect, patience, and compromise that needs to be present in order for those conversations to be successful. Winning an argument is not the same thing as standing up for yourself, and it's really important that both parties understand that, or nothing will change and the negativity will endure. Sometimes those relationships get to the point where they are no longer salvageable, and it becomes time to walk away, difficult as that may be.  

About a month ago Simon and I moved into our new house, and since then, everything has changed for the better. I'm not saying that in order to positively change their situation a person needs to empty their savings account, buy a little cabin in the pines, and move to a neighborhood that offers little more than a tiny general store and a tavern, but apparently it was the change that I so desperately needed. I feel like this move and this house were a welcome and important reset button for me. 

So in no particular order, here are my gratitudes to all of you who have brought recent happiness into my life. Please understand that your kindness, regardless of how small or insignificant you might find it to be, made a world of difference to me, and I'm hoping that from here on out I'm able to do the same for you and for others.

Thanks to Nick for letting me tag along on your fire tower adventures, and for slowing down your pace for me since I would otherwise not be able to keep up.

Thanks to my brother Mikey for the Minnesota care package...the Top the Tator, Old Dutch potato chips, and Surly are such a welcome little taste of home.

Thanks to my cousin Brian for letting me know that you were in the area so we could hang out, catch up, and share some fantastic margaritas at Elote.

Thanks to Sonia, Ggrant, Cedar, and Aspen for coming to our house and having dinner with us. Also a special thanks to Aspen for feeling comfortable to enough to poop in our potty...that was an incredible compliment! Also, that fruit salad? To die for!

Thanks to the staff at the Mountainaire Tavern. Despite the fact that most of you are Packer fans, you've been nothing but kind to us every time that we've been in, even after you found out that we hail from Minnesota.

Thanks to Becky and Brenda for being such amazing and understanding landlords, and for accommodating and supporting us as we purchased our home months prior to the end of our lease.

Thanks to Ryan for organizing the night bike ride at Wupatki on the almost-full moon...that was such an amazing experience with amazing people, and I can't wait to do it again.

Thanks to Surly for making the Moonlander, and to Mick at for SMR for getting me such an incredible deal on it. I've never had so much fun on a bike.

Thanks to Summer for suffering through your first bootcamp class with me. I wish I could say that it gets easier (it doesn't), but it'll definitely start to feel better!

Thanks to Ellen for being there, always. I feel like a friendship like ours is rare, and I hope you know how much I cherish our time together, even when it's something as simple as just sending Happy Birthday balloons back and forth over text.

Thanks to Amy for being Amy. Your positivity and silliness are so incredibly admirable, and I love that about you. Also, you have fantastic taste in sweaters.

Thanks to Kate for being my nemesis. You know deep down you've got a special place in my heart.

Thanks to Lindsey for coming out to ride bikes, for being up for just about anything, and for showing us the wonder that is Priest Draw, which has been in our backyard this whole time.

Thanks to my brother Chris for calling and talking to me on the phone, despite the fact that you hate talking on the phone.

Thanks to Steven, Becki, and Alisa for such a smooth transition into our new house. We love our little log cabin so much!

Thanks to Emily for being our very first house guest, and for giving me some good advice on hiking in the Grand Canyon.

Thanks to Kaitlyn for sending me pictures of you on your wedding day. I was so bummed that it didn't work out for me to come home for it, but you still made me feel like I was a part of your special day.

Thanks to Nick for helping us move into our new home...your muscles and your positive attitude are everything.

Thanks to Charlotte for being such a great listener, and for changing the subject when it needed to be changed. Your perception, your understanding, and your patience are so valuable.

Thanks to my parents for giving me such a passion for road trips, a sense of adventure, some solid common sense, and excitement about minivans. I'm looking forward to seeing you again in July! 

Thanks to Jan and Thomas for lending a hand, offering advice, trying out new recipes on us, putting up with my camping black cloud, and for being the best surrogate parents we could ever ask for. Thanks also for the beautiful chairs...they are our favorite pieces of furniture.

Thanks to Deb for the generous gift for our new home. We can't wait for you to come visit!

Thanks to Shasta for inviting me to the Naked Lady Party...aka, the clothing exchange where I scored some sweet Frye boots, a beautiful turquoise ring, and got to enjoy the company of some really fantastic women.

Thanks to Staci at Yoga Revolution for providing some of the best yoga classes I've ever attended (with the most amazing playlists!), and for just letting me sit in child's pose when everyone else is doing handstands because I'm still too scared to try...I'll get there someday!!

Thanks to my aunts, uncles, and cousins for our wonderful, albeit short, time together in Oklahoma City over Memorial Day weekend. I miss our big gatherings so much.

Thanks to Kelly for being my rock, for being a great walking buddy, for always being willing to listen to me, for matching me in decibel levels, and for not judging when those IPAs catch up with me, as they frequently do.

Thanks to Andy for being such an amazing presence at work, and for talking me into going out for pancakes after a night in the trenches. I look forward to more adventures and maybe a ritual sacrifice as part of our initiation into the e-bike gang.

Thanks to Dana for reaching out to me when you were sad. Sometimes shared sadness makes things better, if only for a little bit. I miss you a lot, and I hope that we get to travel somewhere fun together this year.

Thanks to Tisha, Chris, James, and Madison for the camping trip at Marshal Lake...I enjoyed that so much, and can't wait for more camping adventures and walk-abouts with your kiddos. 

Thanks to Staus and Sarah for your laughs, the bike rides, the board games, your incredible kindness, and for fostering a new and wonderful friendship.

Thanks to Cooper for the giggles, the reluctant snuggles, the constant zeal for napping, the comforting snores, the ever present companionship, the awkward leaping when being picked up, and the unconditional love.

Thanks to Joan for the coffee, the peppers, and for the wonderful conversation.

Thanks to Heather for being such a wonderful Capstone student! You're going to be a fantastic nurse, and the Ortho unit is lucky to have you...although I'm still hoping that we can find a way to steal you away from them.

Thanks to Dana and Eric for being two of the most interesting and wonderful people we've met in a long time. We're looking forward to following along on your Canadian adventures, and hope to see you next summer and maybe share a plate of poutine and talk about bats. 

Thanks to David and Denice for being two of the best people I know. Your relationship with each other is one that I've always admired, respected, and aspired to. I love the random check-ins and the pictures of your kiddos. I'm also really looking forward to David's mustache at our race this summer.

Thanks to Franko for always being just a text or a phone call away. You're one of my oldest and best friends, and I think about you often and miss you more.

Thanks to Jen and Scott for always making time for us despite being two of the busiest people we know. And thanks for always shedding light on the world of Marvel and DC, multiverses that I can barely comprehend but still very much enjoy.

Thanks to Jesse for always being such a goofy bastard. Just the sight of you sauntering around the cafeteria in the middle of the night makes my day. Thanks also for the firepit...hopefully we'll get to use it this summer!

Thanks to Elizabeth for sending us one of our very first pieces of snail mail at our new address...your letters are always a welcome bit of sunshine.

Thanks to Travis for the whiskey and for making us a pit stop on your way from Gunnison to San Diego...it was so wonderful to catch up! Our driveway is your driveway, and I'm looking forward to visiting you in Colorado and maybe doing some fishing!

And last but certainly not least, thanks to Simon for always being the voice of reason, the source of the best hugs, for getting me out of the house, for supporting my ups and downs, and for making the best breakfasts. I don't know where I would go, who I would be, or what I would do without you. I think I truly would have completely lost my shit these past few months if not for you. I know it wasn't easy, and I'm so thankful for your patience, your guidance, and your rationality. I'm sorry I'm such an epic pain in the ass, but after 11 years you're still here with me, and I'm so grateful for that.

For everyone else, because I'm sure I've missed some gratitudes along the way, know that your presence, your smiles, your patience, your phone calls, texts, and letters, and your laughs were a bright light in a dark time, and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you.

January Betterments Recap

Well, January has come and gone and it's time to take stock of the Betterments. I can't say that I was 100% successful in obtaining all of them, but I did my best and here's where I stand as we head into February. Truth be told, I've got two windows open, one with the original blog and one with this new entry so that I can remember what my Betterments actually were...hahaha! Not to say that I don't remember what they were, but nine Betterments is a lot to keep track of, even for me. So here goes.

1. Reduce Spending: So this one was tough, given that in January I went to both Key West and Hawaii, both trips planned prior to the enactment of the Betterments. However, and I say this with some degree of confidence, I spent way less on both of those trips than I previously would have. I even added some of my expenditures from Key West and Hawaii to my expenditures log, and even with those expenses, I came up with about $305 of "incidental" expenses that were deemed unnecessary. For me, that's huge, because if there's one thing that I'm really good at, it's spending money on things I want but don't necessarily need. So what were my incidental expenditures? Well, I found two pairs of running shoes that I like on sale for $21.00 each...these shoes normally retail at $135 a pair and they are being discontinued, so I thought that was a legitimate expense, but not a necessary expense, so onto the list they went. I bought a souvenir t-shirt in Key West, and if there's anyone who does not need another t-shirt, it's me. I bought some random things at Target, I bought a disgusting hot chocolate up at Snowbowl, I ordered chicken tenders and fries at the bowling alley when I could have just eaten prior to going out, I bought some hand soap that was a discontinued winter scent because I love it so much, and there were a couple Starbucks purchases in there. I know it sounds nitpicky, and it could be argued that these expenses are pretty marginal, really, but it's the marginal expenses that nickel-and-dime people to death. I didn't have three $100 unnecessary expenditures, I had twelve unnecessary expenditures that ranged in price from $1.50 to $105.00. The whole point of keeping track of these expenditures, both big and small, is to remind myself to start spending differently, to start spending smartly, to get into my head what is necessary, and what is not.

2. Increase Savings/Start Investing: I knocked it out of the park on this one. While I didn't add to my investments, I did manage to squirrel away $2,000.00 into my savings account in the month of January. That's huge for me, as in previous months I was putting away at most, $500.00 a month, which isn't nothing, but by reducing my incidental expenditures, I was able to put a significant amount of money away for that down payment on a house that I'm going to be making in a few months. Or, you know, spending $700 to have my dog's teeth cleaned next month (is that an unnecessary incidental expenditure??).

3. Sell the Van: This is a work in progress. We've had a few bites and have a very interested party coming to look at it this weekend. Fingers crossed!

4. Commit to a Low-Carb Diet: Given the aforementioned trips from above, this one has been a bit of a struggle, but diet be damned if I thought I was going to go all the way to Key West and deny myself conch fritters, ice cream cones, and margaritas. While I might be up a couple pounds after these two trips, and I can't rationalize away the fact that I was pretty active on these trips while simultaneously shoving my face with all kinds of deliciousness, my dietary choices have been on my mind and truth be told, they have been driving some of the choices that I make when it comes to food. When I'm at work, I'm rock solid. I have all manner of little containers of meat and cheese, a low-carb entree of some description, bell pepper slices, apples with peanut butter, cherry tomatoes, and hard-boiled eggs. I don't vary too much from these particular foods as they satisfy my hunger cravings at night and don't leave me feeling nauseated, which is the case with a lot of foods that I used to gravitate towards in the middle of the night (ahem, chicken fingers in the cafeteria...I'm talking about you!). At the end of the day, I want to eat better, and I'm making an honest effort to do so, but I really love food, and when I'm traveling, part of the experience is trying out the local cuisine. So while I don't actually feel bad about the conch fritters, the ice cream cones, the poke bowl, or the margaritas, I'm making a point to not indulge too frequently in those things.

5. Drink Less Coffee: Again, I did really well with this one. I've been drinking a lot of tea and I rarely, if ever, add any sweetener to it. If I do add sweetener, it's usually a small amount of locally sourced honey. I've actually been looking for tea that has licorice root in it, as licorice root has a naturally sweet taste without the added sugar. A side effect of not drinking coffee much anymore is that I've kind of lost my taste for it. The last few times I've had coffee I've been decidedly underwhelmed by it unless it has copious amounts of cream, sugar, and/or chocolate in it. I also noticed that it upsets my stomach more now than it used to. The important thing is that I don't miss the coffee, which is something that I was worried about when I decided to start cutting it out, so that's been refreshing.

6. Exercise More: Also a work in progress. I've been pretty good about getting to the gym on the days that I'm available to do so, but two trips and night shift were some pretty significant barriers to this. I have a lot of workout equipment at home as far as weights and such, but I hate working out at home. We don't have an inspiring place in our home to workout, and we have two very curious dogs who like to investigate what I'm doing whilst in the middle of exercising, particularly if I'm on the floor for any reason. I had briefly thought about buying some of that gym mat stuff and making a little corner of the garage into a workout space, but there just isn't room, and who wants to work out in a garage anyway? Excuses, excuses...going for a run requires zero equipment...I keep telling myself that and still I don’t run. One change I'm making going forward is loosely scheduling my work shifts around my gym schedule, since I'm really good about going to classes when I'm not working. Given that I don't like to work 3 shifts in a row anymore, breaking them up in the interest of working out is a nice compromise.

7. Start My Own IVs at the Hospital: Crazy as it sounds, I haven't actually had a whole lot of opportunity for this. The last few patients I've had who needed new IV's requested that the vascular access team do it, rather than let me try. So yeah...not much to be done about that, but I'm still committed to starting IVs when I can and when the patient is willing.

8. Start Bike Commuting: Ha...haven't even started this yet. But I think about it...that counts, right? I just listed two of my bikes for sale on Craigslist this afternoon, so hopefully I'll get some bites and can put that money towards a nice commuter bike. It's still too cold out for my taste, even though it's unseasonably warm here in Flagstaff...hahaha!

9. Resume Writing in my Gratitude Journal: I've been really good about this, and I've been enjoying spending a few minutes each day to think about the things I'm grateful for, the positive energy I can manifest throughout my day, and thinking back on the things that went well that day. It's funny how just putting a positive spin on your thinking can improve your outlook exponentially. I have The 5 Minute Journal and I really like it. Check it out if you're looking to add some positivity to your day. :)

So there it is. My Betterments, my successes, and my shortcomings laid bare for all to see. I hope that you have been having as much luck or more with your own personal Betterments for this year. :)