New Year's Betterments

It's that time of year again when most people are thinking about their New Year's Resolutions. I've always hated the term 'resolution.' It's not all that pretty of a word to say, and it sounds so final, all or nothing, if you will. I've had it in my head that a resolution carries with it an inherent threat of failure.  I recently looked up the definition of resolution, and it doesn't quite mean what I thought it meant. It means "a firm decision to do or to not do something" or "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter." So rather than thinking of it as a noun (a thing which is or isn't), which I had previously done, it has a little bit more application as a verb. So now I get to think of Resolutions in a marginally better light, although I still don't like the sound of the word in general.

I came up with the word Betterments as a substitution, mostly because trying to be better at something resonates with me more so than the action of a Resolution. Tomato, tomahto. Regardless of what term I decide to use, the theory behind it and the action applied towards it pretty much remains the same.

This year I've come up with a small list of Betterments. It sounds a little daunting, really, stating that I have a list rather than just one area of betterment to focus on. The thing with this year is that all of my Betterments revolve around changes that I've already been trying to make, but just haven't fully committed to. Betterments in progress, you might say. 

1. Reduce spending. If you happened to read my previous blog, you already know this is probably going to be the most difficult Betterment for me to achieve. It's something that I've been working on here and there for years, with marginal success. The thing is, it's not so much the reducing of spending as it is finding contentment with the things I already have. I think this is most people's problem when it comes to reducing spending. The world we live in has us convinced that we need to keep up the Joneses in all facets of life, regardless of whether or not the Joneses happen to be living a similar life to us. Keeping up requires spending money on things we think we need, but might not fit our lifestyles. Another aspect of societal influence is that most everything is either disposable or replaceable. I hate this. I hate waste. I hate replacing things that I've already purchased. From Tupperware to underwear, I subconsciously keep track of my belongings to the point that I might seem overly materialistic. The fact of the matter is that I buy things for a reason, usually with some degree of thoughtfulness, and having to replace them is not only irritating, but it's taking money away from things that I would rather put money towards, like trips, a house, a savings account, etc. I'm making a list of all the things I'm not allowed to buy in the New Year, including, but not limited to: blankets, bars of soap, socks, national parks t-shirts, clothing of any kind (except necessities, and I'm to look at the Goodwill first), non-perishable foods (unless we run out of something, currently we're stocked for the apocalypse), bath products (until current supply is gone...again, apocalypse), shoes, dog treats (he doesn't eat them anyway, he much prefers apple and carrot scraps). So what does that leave? Not much, really. The truth is, there's really not much I need anyway, so hopefully if I can change my mindset, I'll manage to get by with the surplus of things I already have. 

2. Increase savings/start investing. Like a lot of people out there, I have an employer-sponsored retirement investment account. In lieu of a traditional pension plan, my employer matches any contributions I make up to 4%, so that's what I've been contributing. I also have a retirement account from a previous employer that I can't contribute to anymore, which continues to sit and slowly gain interest. In addition I have a Roth IRA that is connected to my credit card, and all my points go toward the IRA as incremental investments. I have multiple savings accounts set aside for different things (trips, rent, future college expenses, etc), all with automatic deposits set on a weekly basis. There's money stashed in other random places and accounts, and one of my Betterment goals for 2018 is to simplify all these accounts. Roll things together if I can. I've been reading the Mr. Money Mustache blog, and I think I'm ready to dive into the world of investing. Nothing crazy, and nothing too complicated, but something that I think is relatively safe and attainable. At 38 years old, I definitely haven't been as proactive as I should have been with my investments and preparing for my financial future, and most of all, my financial freedom. I'm in a perfect position at the moment to start saving a significant amount of money, given that I'm completely free of debt, I live very simply and cheaply, I have virtually no dependents (other than my elderly dog who costs me very little these days), and I have a job that pays well. I just need to get that spending under control.

3. Sell the van.  Oh the van...dear BAVerly. We've had our camper van for almost 2 years now, and while she's been a lot of fun and taken us to a lot of places, we're realizing that we went a little bit too big with our first van. We're realizing now that we could easily get by with something much more simple, and overall, much less expensive. However, it was a great (albeit expensive) learning experience, and we had a lot of fun along the way. Given the current market on camper vans, there's really no way we're going to get out of this without taking a loss, and we're as okay as we're going to get with that. Keeping the van is only costing us money at this point, and we figure that now is as good a time as any to get out and start putting our money elsewhere. We'll definitely miss her, as traveling in a high-top Sprinter with all the bells and whistles was an amazing treat, but it's just overkill at this point with our current goals. That's just how it goes sometimes. Now where did we stash that tent...

4. Commit to a low-carb diet. I really don't like the word diet. It implies that you're sacrificing foodstuffs that you like with the overall goal of being more healthy, but slightly more miserable in that you don't get to eat your favorite things. I've also found that you have to be careful who you say the word "diet" around, as people are oddly very easily offended by the food choices of others. I still don't understand that, and it baffles me. I'll never forget the uproar I caused amongst my friends and family some time ago when I had given up bacon. It was a dietary choice I was trying to better my health and well-being, and I was shocked at how upset people were about it. Why should it matter what I'm eating or not eating? I've found that it's almost easier just to not mention it at all. When making any dietary changes, I've always been very up front with people in telling them not to go out of their way for me, and if they're making dinner for me I'll eat whatever they're making because a) I love when people cook for me, b) I'm a social eater, and I'm not about to let my dietary goals get in the way of that, and c) I love trying new foods, even if they're not exactly part of my current meal plan. I'm really a very low-maintenance eater, even when trying to cut certain things out. So let's talk about what I'm going to be cutting out...hopefully no feelings will be hurt...hahaha! I'm going to try to significantly decrease or even eliminate complex carbs, better known as bread, pasta, tortillas, most grains, and some starchy veggies. I'm looking to also decrease the amount of processed sugar that I eat while still giving myself the option to eat fresh fruit. I've been trying to decrease the amount of sugar and carbs in my diet over the past few months, and truth be told, I don't really miss them. The holidays are always tough, of course, as there are more cakes, cookies, and treats both sweet and savory than I could shake a stick at, and of course I wanted to try a little bit of every single one. So I did, but rather than eating three of something I ate only one, or I just took a bite, or I shared with a friend. There are ways around all those indulgences without feeling deprived, even during the holidays. I was actually really good this summer when I ate a mostly whole-food diet. I ate meat, veggies, fruit, a sparing amount of dairy (mostly goat cheese), and minimal grains, mostly in the form of rice. I can't tell you enough how good it felt. I lost 8 pounds almost immediately, and these were pounds that I'd been carrying around for months and despite going to the gym, I just couldn't seem to lose them. I didn't have that after-dinner bloat, I had great energy, and dare I say my skin even cleared up. There's definitely a lot of truth in the correlation between what we eat and how we feel.  

5. Drink less coffee. Is there nothing sacred in this world?? Christ in a sidecar, first I give up bread, and now I'm giving up coffee. A little background on this one is probably in order. I'm one of those weird people who is unresponsive to caffeine. I can drink a huge cup of coffee and take a nap or sleep fitfully through the night immediately afterward. In fact, I've been noticing that after drinking coffee, I frequently feel more tired; I get that 10am exhaustion thing going on. I've also come to the realization that without copious amounts of cream and sugar, I don't actually like the taste of coffee all that much. I've also been noticing, whether it's related to the cream, the sugar, or the coffee itself, that I don't really feel all that well after drinking coffee...sometimes it gives me heartburn, sometimes it makes me nauseated. Sometimes it makes me have to pee five times in the span of an hour. I find myself wondering what exactly it is that I actually enjoy about coffee. So how does this bode for the creator of the High Altitude Coffee Club here in Flagstaff? Well, I'm clearly going to make exceptions for frou-frou coffee with friends, because I love the social aspect of conversing whilst holding a warm cup of sweet coffee. In the meantime, I'll drink tea. I've actually been drinking a cup of tea almost daily for the past week, and truth be told, I'm enjoying it. I need to drink more water anyway, so water in the form of tea seems like a suitable substitution to make.

6. Exercise more. Ha, the resolution that makes it onto 99% of American's lists this time of year. Gyms are waiving their initiation fees, the group classes are packed, Target has a plethora of exercise-inspired items in their discount section at the front of the store (not to be confused with the discounted holiday candy section at the back of the store)...on and on it goes. I would say I'm a relatively active person already, although I could definitely stand to add in some form of activity on a daily basis. Even something as simple as a 3-4 mile walk would get me outside, where I could feasibly enjoy the fresh air and see what's going on around the neighborhood or in the woods behind our place. I have a membership to the local YMCA, and while it's not the biggest or most well-appointed gym I've ever been to, it suits my needs at a fraction of the cost of most of the other gyms in town. I really enjoy the classes, which is the main reason that I go. I've been thinking about getting a punch-card to one of the local yoga gyms as well, and conveniently enough, there's one located within walking distance of where I live, so I could get in a walk and a yoga session all in the same outing. 

7. Start my own IVs at the hospital. I figure that while I'm at it, I might as well throw in a Betterment related to my profession in nursing. The other night, I started my first IV in probably over three years. I told my patient afterwards that I hadn't started an IV in three years, as I figured that telling him that beforehand might have resulted in a refusal...he still somehow managed to be impressed, and commented that he was happy to help. Unlike some hospitals, we don't have an IV team at the hospital at night, and while we do have one designated person in the hospital to help us out if we have an IV that we can't get ourselves, it is an expectation that floor nurses are to at least attempt to start IVs themselves before calling in backup. Over the past few years I have definitely inappropriately relied on them more than I should. It's almost to the point where I can see their disappointment when they show up, knowing that I'm completely capable of starting IVs myself. It's embarrassing for me as well. As a nurse, this is a basic skill, and I need to quit making excuses for why I don't try. The truth is, I don't like starting IVs. It's really about the only thing related to patient care that I actually loathe. It's something that I've never really been all that good at, it's painful for the patients, and it makes me feel like a failure when I miss. But, as a healthcare provider, I feel that I should at least start making more attempts at IVs, especially given that I function as a charge nurse from time to time, and helping out my staff with IVs frees them up to do other things. As of this typing, I'm 1:1 with successful IV starts. No where to go but up, right?

8. Start bike commuting. Given that Flagstaff is a smallish town and is very easily accessed by bike, Simon and I are planning to start riding our bikes more for our daily runarounds. This Betterment ties into a few of the aforementioned Betterments, namely saving money and exercising. This Betterment most likely won't be fully starting until spring, as I hate riding bike in the cold and snow. Not that we have snow yet, but it's definitely cold, at least in the mornings. Excuses, excuses. However, knowing myself and my weaknesses and my penchant for excuses related to weather, I think it's best to delay this Betterment to a time that will result in the best chance of success. So, springtime. Simon and I actually rode our bikes to a class the other day, it was about 4 miles one way and it was 32 degrees outside. I was not physically prepared for the ride or the weather. I was wearing pants that kept getting caught in the front cog, and rather than stopping to adjust the pants, I just kept angrily pulling them up for the entire ride. I also didn't have a suitable pair of gloves to wear that would keep my hands warm at that temperature. I have a pair of snowboarding mittens, but I have reservations about how well I'll be able to pull the brake with mittens, as I prefer to just use a finger or two for that. I guess it's all about adjustment. I haven't actually tried riding in mittens yet, but I will. Simon just bought me a fancy pair of puffy mittens that look like an updated version of choppers to wear while bike commuting, so hopefully those will work out. I don't really have a suitable commuter bike either. It could be argued that any bike can function as a commuter bike, but 2 of my 3 bikes don't have gears, and given the hills I have to ride up and down in this town, gears are kind of essential to my success. The geared bike is a full-suspension mountain bike, and while I love to ride it on trails, I don't really like riding it on the road. It's just not efficient. So I'm going to sell both my bikes that don't have gears and put that money towards a road-friendly commuter bike with gears. There goes my fixed-gear cred. ;) Obviously this Betterment will be a work in progress while I assemble the necessary gear, but like starting IVs on my patients, I really just need to start doing it.

9. Resume writing in my Gratitude Journal. Simon bought me a gratitude journal a couple years back when I was going through a rough period of shitty attitude. I really have no idea why, as life is and has been pretty good for me over the years. I think we just get in those funks where we feel sorry for ourselves and forget to remind ourselves about how good our lives really are. It's a simple little journal, and I basically write in it each and day and catalogue a few things that I'm grateful for, a couple things that would make the day great, and at the end of day, what went well and what I could have done to have made it even better. It doesn't leave whole lot of room to focus on the negative, and I think that's a good thing. Sometimes I look back through my traditional journals from years ago, and more often than not, I had written down things that were upsetting or frustrating, while neglecting to write down that things that were fun and exciting. My life is much more satisfying than it isn't, and I think a daily reminder of that first thing in the morning will hopefully get me and keep me on the right track for the rest of the day. 

Nine things to work on in the new year. Traditionally speaking, that's quite a lot, and there's a chance that not all these things will come to fruition like I hope. I think the main thing that'll get me off on the right foot is that I've already started doing most of these things, so incorporating them on a more consistent basis is the biggest change that I need to make. I know I can do it, and while I might come up short in some ways, at least I'm trying. I think that's the best we can do some days. Good luck with your Resolutions (or Betterments!) in the coming year, I wish you the utmost success! And if you need a little inspiration or motivation, let's meet up for coffee (or tea!) and chat about it. Sometimes an alternate perspective makes all the difference in the world. :)

Saving Money is Hard

Back in June, I significantly dropped my hours at work to have the ability to spend more time doing the things I like to do...camping, traveling, blogging, visiting with with friends, drinking lots of coffee, etc. I had made a promise to myself that I would change my spending habits to accommodate the smaller paychecks, and that overall has been a massive fail. It was such a big fail that I'm actually increasing my scheduled working hours again after the first of the year. Surprisingly enough, I'm actually okay with working more, much to the chagrin of my boss who asked me multiple times if I was absolutely sure I wanted to work more. I'm sure. Let's get this done, because working more is all part of my grand master betterment plan for 2018. :)

My overall problem with spending is this: I'm really good at shopping. Not to be confused with really enjoying shopping, because enjoying shopping doesn't necessarily drive my shopping habit; getting a good deal drives my shopping habit. I have this irrepressible urge to get a deal on things, which I think most people understand. It really doesn't matter what I'm buying or how badly I might want or need it; if I feel like I'm getting a good deal, I buy the thing without thinking twice about it. The buyer's remorse typically follows soon afterward, but I can usually console myself slightly by reminding myself that I got a good deal on a thing that I didn't need in the first place. My headspace is, at times, a very turbulent place to be.

Over the years I've had friends task me with finding things for them when they are short on time or interest because they know I'm good at it, there's a sick part of me that enjoys it, and that I'll take the time to do it. It gives me a sense of self worth to know that I saved money for myself or someone else. I can confidently say that I rarely, if ever, pay full price for anything, which comes in handy every now and again, but for the most part it actually ends up costing me more money in the long run because I'm getting deals on things that I don't actually need.

Another thing I need to work on is getting a hobby. An inexpensive hobby. I currently have a garage full of some relatively expensive toys that I just need to make a point to use more often. If there's one thing that I've amassed through all of this recreational shopping, it's a veritable arsenal of outdoor equipment. Kayaks, paddle boards, mountain bikes, snowshoes, a scooter, skis, a road bike (sort of...does a fixie count as a road bike?), hiking backpacks of all shapes and sizes and the camping gear to go with them, a camper van that is stuffed to the max with all of the amenities a glamper could ever want. I could probably go on, but now I just sound like a whiney, bored, entitled American. "I have all the things and I'm still not happy...wah." Truthfully, that's the conversation I need to get out of my head. I need to look at my things and be happy with what I've got. I need to go beyond just being happy with it and get my butt out of the house to use some of that stuff.

I also need to remind myself that every dollar spent on something I don't need is a dollar taken away from a down payment on a house (which Simon and I hope to have within the next year or so), a trip to somewhere fun (Iceland, Australia, New Zealand, and Ireland are high up on our lists right now, in addition to loads of travel in America), or let's be real, one of BAVerly's frequent trips to the mechanic for some stupid sensor or another (seriously, talk about a poor financial decision).

I've found (and research has shown) that social media drives a lot of these unnecessary wants and desires. We see all these things that people are doing and things that they have and places they go and we want to emulate that so badly. Not realizing, of course, that there are probably people out there looking at our pages and thinking the exact same thing. It's a culture of wanting, of buying, of convincing ourselves that we'll be happy if we could only have that one thing that the other person has, and then once we have that thing, we want the thing that another person has. It never ends.

A few months ago (prior to my decision that I needed to do something about this shopping problem of mine), I subscribed to the FabFitFun box (through an Instagram ad...doh!), meaning that I'll get 4 packages a year of random fitness, fashion, and wellness products. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Who doesn't like a box of random goodies delivered right to your door? Oh, and here's a sweetened deal...sign up for the yearly box and you get to have a say in some of the products that end up in it. What?? Get out of town...you mean I get to choose what unnecessary products I receive, knowing full well that I may never use them and might very well pass them off to some of my friends as gifts? What a fantastic idea! But wait, there's more! They have mid-season capsules where you can buy name-brand products at a fraction of the cost, and if you spend $15, you get free shipping! The free shipping gets me every time, dammit. These marketers man, they are so good at what they do. They've got my number and I'm on speed dial.

Can we talk about free shipping for a moment? What a marketing boon that has been. Seriously. I buy things just because the shipping is free. I add extra things to my cart to get to that magic free shipping number, because it feels like I'm just throwing my money away when I could replace the shipping cost with a jar of peanut butter or a set of markers or a pug themed pair of socks. So is the peanut butter free or is the shipping free? Do I even like that kind of peanut butter or was it the perfect price to put my cart mere cents over the free shipping mark? Tough to tell sometimes.

I have a plan that I'm hoping to implement after the first of the year, because we all know that the start of a new year is the very best time to roll out those life changes that we very easily could start any time that we want. But I digress...sometimes it's nice to have a buffer to prepare ourselves for the upcoming change. And let's be honest, with Christmas coming up, December isn't really the most opportune month to start a new financial plan, although there are some that might argue that it's the best time, because the desire to shop around the holidays is at an all-time high. But I'm taking baby steps, because this is a deep seeded habit that we're talking about here.  

As a first step in my new financial plan, I've unsubscribed from most of the promotional emails I get from some of my favorite stores. These stores make it far too easy for a deal junkie like me with their promotional coupons and their 'deals of the day' and their free shipping and their free samples. Did I need a rainbow colored down blanket? Absolutely not, but I had a coupon, a gift card, free shipping AND 5% cash back if I used that store's credit card for the purchase...what a great deal! Seriously, I have so many blankets. And you know the stupidest part about my blanket hoarding? I squirrel them away because I don't like getting dog hair on them. Heaven's to Betsy I have so many issues. So many issues. Moving on...www.Unroll.me has been a great resource in filtering out the emails I want from the ones that I don't. To be clear, I want all of them, but I'm at the point where I realize that my wants are definitely not a functional part of my desired reality and I need to just step away. Exit the burning building like a badass without looking back (but the blankets! The blankets are burning! Forget the blankets). I installed AdBlocker on each of my computers so I don't see ads for things that I had previously been searching for, or for whatever the bots think I might like. I mark ads on Instagram as 'not relevant' when they pop up during my scrolling. I'm very slowly and with marginal effectiveness removing advertisements from my life. It's actually quite difficult, living in a consumerist society and all.

As a second step, I'm going to keep track of all the incidental things that I purchase that are unnecessary. I'm going to create a note in my phone and I'm going to go over each receipt from places that I shop and I'm going to tally up all those impulse buys. I can tell you right now, it's not going to be pretty; I know myself and I know my shopping, and I know that I buy random shit just for the sake of buying something and fulfilling that sick sense of accomplishment that goes hand-in-hand with getting a good deal. My hope is that in making myself aware of all the money that I'm spending on things that I don't need, I'll start being a little more thoughtful about what I'm buying when I'm buying it.

I'll give an example. Recently I had gone down to Cottonwood to visit my parents who are staying in AZ for the next month. I had planned on staying overnight, and in my rush to get moving and my complete ineptitude at multi-tasking, I neglected to throw my toiletries in my bag. I ended up having to buy a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, and some random hair stuff. Basically, all the things that were in my toiletry kit. Now, it could be argued that I could have just used my parents' toiletries, which would be a really good argument. However, I like my things. I'm picky about the products that I use and I like my scents and my lotions, and given that I have eczema that appears whenever I try a new bath product, it's nice to stick with the things that I and my finicky skin are used to. So there's that (obviously, there were some mental gymnastics at play here...it was one night, for Pete's sake). It could also be argued that had I just taken 30 seconds to double-check my bag before running out the door, I would have realized that the toiletry kit was missing. I feel that this is the better argument, and it's also a precursor to where that thoughtful part of shopping comes in. It is also where taking a little extra time to make sure all my ducks are in a row comes into play. For the record, I've already made a change in that I keep my toiletry kit in my overnight bag, rather than under the sink in the bathroom, which is where it used to reside.

I know I keep using Christmas as an excuse for why I'm not being more proactive right now, and it's just that...an excuse. The consumerism is strong this time of year! There's also a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I should go out on Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) to capitalize on all the deals in preparation for the next holiday season. Been there, done that...not only does it save me a ton of money, but it also satisfies that part of me that likes to buy things for other people. I need to get over that too. The vast majority of the people I know and love are functional adults who buy what they want when they want it, and have very little wants or needs that would be satisfied in the form of a random Christmas gift from me. I think most of them would be thrilled to get a handwritten letter or a postcard just letting them know I'm thinking about them. So you've been warned...no Christmas gifts next year...hahaha! Maybe I'll finally get around to doing one of those photo Christmas cards that I've been talking about for the last 10 years or so. Maybe I'll prepare a meal and have friends over, as the company of those I care about is far more valuable than a bar or soap, a coffee mug, or a scented candle ever could be.

I was talking with Simon recently, and I made the comment that the house we live in could literally burn to the ground and the only thing I would care about losing is Cooper (and Simon, of course, but in my hypothetical situation there were no people in the house during the time of said burning down...I just didn't want you all to think I value my dog over my husband, although there are days...hahaha!). He was shocked by that. This is the man who when we lived in a house where there was an actual wildfire burning up the backyard, evacuated my drawers of Lululemon to the yard across the street because god forbid my expensive yoga wear go up in flames (He evacuated the pugs first, of course). And the thing is, back then, I would have cared about that. I couldn't be bothered to care now. I have so much of it that I could probably not do laundry for two months and still manage to wear something new every single day. I do everything in my Lululemon now, whereas before I would squirrel it away to keep it safe from rips, stains, dirt, cooking grease, and dog hair. Clothes are meant to be worn, and if I had compulsively spent that much money on them, I damn well better wear them until they're in tatters. So yeah...Simon and Cooper. They're my world. They are the irreplaceable parts of my life...the rest is just stuff.

And that's what it all comes down to. Stuff. I think about how we whine and cry here in America about all the things we don't have, all the opportunities we feel we're missing out on, our fixation on suing the shit out of anyone who looks at us funny or who may or may not have touched us inappropriately 30 years ago under ambiguous circumstances or mommy-shaming and helicopter parenting or how Starbucks is ruining Christmas or how we need self-driving cars in America because people are still far too stupid to quit texting and/or drinking and driving. The list goes on and on, marching out our mental boredom in this country. I think about our time in Thailand, and how a large majority of the people living there have almost nothing to their names. The amount of stuff we have here in America and the things we choose to fixate on are probably unfathomable to the average Thai person. I wonder what consumes their daily thoughts, what things they worry about, what plans they have for their futures. What are their wants, desires, perceived inadequacies? Most of the Thai people I met seemed to be pretty jovial people, and when I think about how the average American would approach their circumstances, I can't help but think that they'd be appalled. There's not enough trivial stuff to fill up their lives, their minds, their gross lack of imaginations. We're drowning in stuff and our desire for more, and most of us don't even realize it.

I'm hoping that as I venture into this life/habit change at the start of the new year, that I'll maybe have some people join me. The more the merrier! Let's enjoy our lack of consumerism together! If not join me, then at a bare minimum offer some support, advice, and limit-setting. Get me out of the house to go paddle boarding, kayaking, and biking. I think this change is completely doable with a lot of little changes, that'll eventually add up to some big changes, and will be better for me and my financial future overall. That's my hope anyway.

Life at the Bedside: Stepping Back but Moving Forward

To date, I'm over 15 years into my career in nursing. Has it really been that long? I guess it has. Sometimes it feels like it has, sometimes it doesn't. I've been here in northern Arizona working as a nurse for about five years now, which is actually the longest I've stayed at any one nursing position since I started this career. It's weird to think that I've spent most of my nursing career moving from job to job, rarely staying anywhere for much longer than 6 months at a time.

I consider myself lucky that I chose a profession that not only allows me the flexibility to pursue a lot of different career paths in the healthcare setting, but also pays me well enough to have a lot of free time to enjoy my lifestyle outside of it. I'm grateful that I chose this profession all those years ago when I was a terrified little freshman living away from home for the very first time. My heart wasn't initially in the schooling, as I had always wanted to work with animals, but I was interested enough in nursing to know that I might actually be good at it, and that eventually, I would learn to like it. I'm so glad that it all worked out. And truth be told, not only did I learn to like nursing, I actually grew to love it quite a bit. It turned out to be a really good fit for me, and it's given me the flexibility and the income to live a life that makes me truly happy.

This summer, after working full-time for 15 years, I decided to change my position from a full-time charge nurse to a part-time floor nurse on a completely different nursing unit. It took me a long time and a lot of soul searching and long conversations with friends and coworkers to come to this decision to switch my position. Prior to this change, I had been a charge nurse for 2 years, and a member of the same nursing unit for about 4 and a half years. Being a charge nurse is a tough role to be in. I was basically the overseer of the flow of the unit for 12 hours at a time; that flow included the staffing of nurses and nurse assistants, the patients, and the comings and goings of ancillary staff. I had to make sure that the nurses working with me were supported, that they were getting their work done, and that the patients were receiving the best care possible. I was responsible for staffing and unit flow, and filling in for those ancillary services that aren't available at night. I can't tell you the number of times I had to push a patient in their giant hospital bed down to CT or Xray in the middle of the night (whilst leaving my staff behind), sometimes emergently, sometimes not. I've cleaned floors, I've made beds, I've couriered blood products, I've gone from unit to unit in search of equipment, I've spent hours on the phone trying to reach family members, Xray technicians, and doctors, I've taken patient assignments in addition to my charge nurse role so my staff wasn't overburdened. All of those things were mostly just tasks, and while they stacked up at times, I knew that was all part of it when I accepted the charge nurse role.

People are not at their best when they're sick and in the hospital. The hospital is rarely, if ever, a destination people want to go, let alone plan for. I don't care how many consultants the hospital brings in to talk to us, a hospital will never be the Ritz Carlton or Disneyland. When they start giving people enemas before getting on Splash Mountain (horrible idea, by the way), or requiring them to disrobe in front of total strangers and be subjected to all manner of unpleasantries before being escorted to their hotel rooms, then maybe we can start drawing some comparisons between Disneyland and/or the Ritz and the hospital setting. However, we're strongly encouraged to treat patients as though they are at the Ritz or Disneyland, and over the years, the patients have come to expect that as well. Patients are actually no longer patients, they are clients or customers, and the customer is always right, even if the customer has no medical knowledge whatsoever. So not only are we required to use the best of our nursing judgement to ensure a safe recovery for each and every patient, we are also expected to provide customer service at a level that isn't always conducive to the sometimes unpleasant and uncomfortable course of recovery. I can't take away someone's pain by offering them a free night's stay; I can't change 50 years of bad habits and the medical maladies and subsequent treatments that go along with them by offering them a free meal or a ride to the airport; it doesn't make them feel special to know that they're first in line for a trip to the CT scanner (and then having to redact that statement due to an emergency). In short, you can't placate illness.

It's stressful trying to provide appropriate medical care when dealing with the stress of placating people who don't like being uncomfortable, which is understandable. Where that fell back on me, as a charge nurse, is I was frequently being summoned and berated for things that were completely out of my control. Be it staff-to-staff interactions, staff-to-patient interactions, department-to-department interactions, patient-to-doctor interactions, or nurse-to-doctor interactions, I was frequently put in the position of having to calm the waters, all while voraciously having to justify maintaining the staff level that was best for optimal patient care. In short, it was a lot of stress and it was starting to take a toll on me. I think most people see me as a no-nonsense person who can brush most things off relatively easily, but the truth is that I'm very sensitive to negativity. I was struggling more than ever with maintaining a positive outlook amidst the negativity around me. I felt that as a charge nurse, my positive interactions with those around me were becoming fewer and fewer. I just didn't want to hear it anymore...the complaints, the grumbling, the dissatisfaction, the animosity; worst of all, I felt powerless to make the changes necessary to improve it. I just wanted to go to work and take care of my patients and if a situation arose, I wanted to be the one to passing it up the chain of command, rather than the one receiving it.

There was a part of me that stayed too long in my charge nurse position because I felt like I was abandoning my post. There is a lot of guilt and hurt feelings that go along with moving to a new position, even though I wasn't actually leaving the hospital environment. Several people called me a traitor when they found out I was thinking about leaving, and while their comments were made in jest, there was a part of me that took them to heart, which made me doubt my decision even more. My former boss and I had a conversation about this several months ago, and he made the comment that I'm completely replaceable. He didn't say it to belittle me, he said it because he knew how much stress it was causing me to think about my position being empty and the work that would go into replacing me. I know it's not easy to find experienced nurses in this town; nurses are constantly coming and going for a multitude of reasons. At the end of the day though, he was right; I am completely replaceable. There are plenty of nurses in our hospital that have just as much, if not more experience than I do. There are several of them who are more than qualified and would be happy to take my place, and would probably bring a fresh perspective to the work environment. That's the piece that I should have been thinking about months ago when I finally admitted to myself that I just wasn't happy where I was anymore. I wasn't staying for me; I was staying for these worries that I had in my head that turned out to be mostly unfounded.

One of my very good friends and someone who I respect very much put some things in perspective for me as I was going through this change. She's been working for the same employer for almost 15 years now. She told me that the key to her staying with her company and still liking her job is that she's moved into different positions about every two years or so. She said she thinks it's important to have new faces, new responsibilities, and a new environment to keep things fresh, interesting, and sometimes even exciting. We all know those people who hate their jobs but have been at them for so long that they're comfortable enough to stay there until the bitter end, complaining every day about how unhappy they are. They're everywhere, and they're difficult to be around. I saw myself becoming one of them. I thought there was something wrong with me, that there was something wrong with nursing, that maybe it wasn't the career for me anymore. It's hard for us to be honest when it comes to deciding how much of ourselves we should sacrifice for our jobs. I think it turns out that I didn't need to sacrifice anything; I just needed a change of scenery.

So this change? The one I was so scared to make and agonized over for months? It was super easy. I got a new boss, a new nursing unit, a whole new set of coworkers, a schedule that I could more or less control, and the transition was incredibly smooth. Since I'm scheduled for less shifts overall, one of the things that I've liked the most is that I can pick up shifts for other nurses in the hospital who need a day off. So not only do I feel good about helping a patient through their recovery, I feel good about helping a coworker to attend their daughter's soccer game or their husband's graduation from college or to start their much-needed vacation a day or two early. It's helped me to have an additional positive association with going to work, which is what I so desperately needed. I miss my former coworkers, but I still get to see them outside of work, and I'm still able to work shifts on my former unit. I think I'm a much easier person to be around now, and I feel bad that there were people who I like and respect who had to be there to see and experience my struggles and my low points. I guess that's how it goes. I hope that moving forward I can be a source of support for my fellow coworkers when and if they experience the same sort of struggles that I was having.

If you're reading this and you're feeling some or even a lot of the same feelings I had, know that you're not alone. There are so many people out there living their lives day to day, afraid or unable to make changes to their current situation despite the fact that a little change might make a huge difference. Sometimes it takes a leap to gain an inch, and taking the leap is frequently the hardest part of all. With the right support and a little bit of grit, you can do it. :)

The Moon is Rising

For those of you who have been following along with me on Instagram, you may have noticed a post a few months back announcing my new account devoted to butts (@alicepicklebottoms). Yes, butts. Commence with the eye-rolls and the comments about how Stef is probably never going to grow up. That's what people like about me though, right? Maybe?

You might wonder where and why this all started. I'll be the first to admit: it wasn't my idea. It was Meghan. My roommate. She's the culprit. I had the horrible, terrible, idea last year to convince myself, Simon, and Meghan to sign up for the Imogene Pass Run. For those unfamiliar, it is a 17.1 mile slog from Ouray to Telluride, Colorado. 17.1 miles with 5,000+ feet of elevation gain from the start in Ouray over the first 10 miles to the top of the pass with 4,000 feet of elevation loss over 7 miles to the finish in Telluride. It should also be mentioned that the race starts at an elevation of 7,700 feet and ends at 8,700 feet, which is quite high at the pass summit, even for those of us living at elevation in Flagstaff. In a word, it's brutal. But it's also beautiful, and terrible, and awesome, and a huge freaking accomplishment, and randomly, it has the best snacks at the aid stations...M&M's, Pringles, pretzels, strawberries, chicken broth, gummy bears...quite the spread. I'll probably never talk Meghan into anything like that ever again, but that's all right because we did it once, and once was probably enough.

So anyway, we had already finished most of the run, we had already been DQ'd at checkpoint #1 by missing the time cutoff by just shy of 10 minutes (did I mention this was a run? Ha...we didn't do any of that nonsense...we were just trying to survive the thing), and we were looking for something to lift our spirits a bit to get us through that last little bit before the final descent into Telluride. We came around a corner, and there below us was the quaint little town of Telluride, all pretty and cute and completely unaware that we were dying up there partaking in a race that we had knowingly both signed up for and paid to be a part of. Meghan said, "Let's moon Telluride!" So we did. And that's where it all began...kind of.

Oddly enough, the mooning has continued. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's other people. Sometimes it's my idea, sometimes it's not. Now that my friends know about the mooning, they get a kick out of convincing me to drop my pants in random places for a quick photo opp. I think the common theme of butts in nature has been a good one. Everything else in nature is naked; it seems fitting that the people intermittently ought to be as well. The reaction to the mooning posts has been overwhelmingly positive. But still...it's kind of weird, right? Posting random pictures of butts on the internet? 

Not so long ago, I was driving along through Colorado, Simon slumbering peacefully beside me in the passenger seat, when I started to really think about what in the heck I was thinking starting an Instagram page dedicated to butts. And not only did I start this page, but I accidentally followed every single person in my contacts list and from my Facebook page as well. By every single person, I mean past, present, and future bosses and coworkers, hospital administrators, aunts and uncles, cousins, in-laws, high school classmates, college buddies, my parents and siblings, and casual acquaintances. Remember that saying about how "reply all" when emailing is a bad idea? Well, I was beginning to think that "follow all" was a really bad idea as well. And just like "reply all," you can't take back a "follow all." Trust me, I tried...and I freaked out about it for a couple days. All those aforementioned people were receiving notifications that some person named Alice Picklebottoms was following them, and on closer inspection, well, there's her butt right there for all to see in her profile picture. And there's her butt again. And someone else's butt. And a dog's butt. And an open invitation for anyone and everyone to submit pictures of their butts for her to post and for her followers, subsequently, to see. And who in the heck is Alice Picklebottoms??*

I'm too old for a quarter-life crisis (been there, done that), and am too young for a mid-life crisis, so really, what gives? I sat there and I thought about it as the van crept through the road construction in Durango, and finally, the clouds parted and the answer came to me. Back in late high school and through most of college, I was a mooner. I don't even have a good explanation as to why; it was just something that I did. I mooned friends and family members, complete strangers, and once, an entire tour bus in Jamaica. I don't know when I actually quit mooning, to be honest. If I go back through my photos, the moons randomly show up, getting fewer and fewer the further away from college I was. They pretty much disappeared all together sometime around 2008, after a trip with my college buddies to Alaska. I guess 2008 was probably the last time in my life that I spent a significant amount of time around people who knew me as "the mooner," and as I moved away from home and met new people, that part of me just wasn't a part of my life anymore. It's kind of sad, as I sit here and think about it. I think we all lose parts of our free-wheeling selves as we get older, but I'm coming to think that we don't always have to, and that maybe it's never too late to get a little bit of those selves back.

I think for most of my life, I've found butts to be incredibly hilarious. I used to draw butts in my coloring books when I was just a little thing (much to my mom's frustration...she never could figure out why I had such a fascination with butts), and then continued to draw them for years afterwards on random books, friends' textbook covers, little notes that were passed back and forth in class. For me, there's nothing overly erotic or off-putting about butts, they're just there, and when they make a random appearance around an unsuspecting group of people or in a breathtakingly beautiful landscape, hilarity ensues. At least I think so. I'm sure there are people out there who would rather not see my butt, or anyone else's butt for that matter, but for now I'm going with the idea that butts are funny and that I'm not the only person who thinks so.

Anyone who has been following my personal Instagram account since last fall when this all began probably recognized Alice Picklebottoms's rear from my previous posts, but to those who hadn't...well, I apologize if you thought some exhibitionist pervert randomly came across your Instagram account and decided to give you a follow. It's just me being weird, as per usual.

To date, I've had several random tasteful submissions with many more thinking about it (tasteful being the operative word if you'd like to partake). It's not an easy thing to drop your pants and have someone take a picture of your bottom, knowing that that picture will be posted on the internet for all to see. I get it. I don't know why I'm not averse to it, but I'm just not. I think at the root of it, I just find it really silly and unexpected, and that's what makes it fun for me. And really, it's just a butt. There are so many worse things on the internet than a butt or two. To most of the people I've talked to about this, it's just innocent and quirky and I hope that it remains that way. There have been a couple creepers here and there, taking far too much personal interest in Alice herself or in some of the other postings. For those people, the "block" feature has come in pretty handy.

If you find that you've always had this burning desire to tastefully display your tush on the internet, you know where to find me. ;) Keep in mind that all posts are kept confidential unless you want me to share your info...some people care, some people don't.

*Alice Picklebottoms was a silly name that I came up with when Simon and I were first dating, so it's kind of a little inside joke between the two of us. Alice was a name that I thought would be really cute for a little girl...and in later years, a dog. Picklebottoms just kind of came about randomly...probably because I like pickles and butts are funny, but I thought it a fitting alias for this little side project.

The Trouble with Creative Writing....

Remember back in December when I wrote that blog about stepping back from social media in an attempt to get more accomplished? Remember how I talked about how I was going to start blogging more because I was going to have so much more free time? Ha. That was funny. What’s even more funny is that I actually have spent a lot less time on social media. What I’ve been doing with all that extra time…well…I don’t honestly know.

I truly have been meaning to blog more. I’ve had a lot of good ideas for blogs, but for some reason none of those ideas have materialized themselves into a finished product. The trouble with creative writing is that creativity strikes at the oddest of moments. In the shower…driving down the freeway…waiting in line at the DMV…in the grocery store…during downtime at work…those wee moments of the night when I’m lying in bed on the verge of sleep, promising myself that I’ll remember those random snippets of prose when I wake in the morning (I rarely, if ever, do...although I do remember that I was trying really hard to remember something).  My point is, my most creative ideas seem to strike at the most inconvenient times for putting pen to paper, or more appropriate for this day and age, fingers to keyboard.

Yes, I do have an iPhone, and yes, it is with me 90% of the time, so I don’t really have all that great of an excuse for not capturing my ideas at the very moment that they strike (although capturing while showering or driving would still be problematic). The crux of that matter is that I hate typing on my iPhone. In fact, I downright loathe it. Perhaps it’s because I feel claustrophobic trying to transpose big ideas onto that tiny screen (say what you want about my giant 6+ screen, it’s still tiny); perhaps it’s because I only type with one finger when I’m using my phone, which is exhausting when trying to type more than a sentence or two at a time (don’t even get me started on autocorrect…nothing disrupts a train of thought quicker than Apple’s idea of what I meant versus my idea of what I meant); perhaps it’s because from a very young age, I’ve always been a huge fan of a full keyboard with actual buttons; perhaps it’s because the space where my computer hangs out in my house is an extremely uninspiring space that I don’t really enjoy all that much.

I could come up with excuses all day long about why I haven’t been blogging, but I won’t waste your time or mine cataloguing my laziness and lack of motivation. So let’s just start over. Here and now. I’m going to blog more because writing makes me feel good. I like putting my ideas down for others to see, and I like the ideas and feedback I get. My ideas aren’t the only ideas, and there’s certainly lots of room for interpretation, improvement, learning, and discussion. Just the other morning Simon and I were laying in bed discussing a concept that basically had to do with my thought process regarding our response to the passage of time, and the things, people, and ideas that disappear along with it (yes, a topic for another blog entirely). What I cherished the most about that conversation was that Simon and I see the world though completely different eyes, and I love hearing his perspective. I love seeing my world though his eyes, and my only hope is that maybe he appreciates seeing his world through mine.

As adults in a world that is constantly changing and is full of distractions, I think there’s so much for us to still learn from each other, and I look forward to and enjoy that so much.

I actually started this blog whilst sitting in the van in a random park in Farmington, MN, during our month-long trip home. I happened to have both my laptop and some downtime, and knowing fully that I wouldn't be able to publish it until much later, I decided to try to capture my thoughts. So I got at least that much done. The fact that I'm not publishing it until almost 2 months later...well...that's just how it goes sometimes.

I've made a few changes in the past months about how I approach writing. Most specifically, in where I do it. I created a little writing nook in our bedroom, which I really enjoy. I found a cute little refinished desk on craigslist and put it in a corner of our bedroom that is right next to a window. It looks out into our somewhat wild backyard. I'm planning to put a bird feeder outside my window so that I can watch the birdies come and go while I sit here and collect my thoughts. I think watching birds (and the occasional squirrel) is a good distraction, and it causes a person to be still for an undetermined length of time. I've gone about this with the idea of creating a cozy space, and I'm slowly making it a productive space as well. Sitting on the desk is a little vase that I got from my Grandma Ellringer, and in it is a fabric peony, which is the flower that reminds me of her. On the wall next to my desk are picture collages and paw prints of my three dogs, two of whom have passed away but are still firmly in my heart. I have a string of fabric turtles that my aunt Cheryl bought for me, originally intended to go in the van, but I think they're perfect hanging where I can see them and enjoy them everyday. I'm definitely realizing that I'm a person who is very sensitive to my surroundings. I believe that there's a place for everything, and everything in its place. I also believe that our environment plays a bigger part in our mental and emotional well-being than we're aware of.

So here we go. To starting over (again), and hopefully with the changes that I've made and will continue to make, you'll be seeing me on here a little more regularly. :)