Struggles

Lately I've had a lot on my mind. To date, I have been travel nursing for 7 years and 8 months. I've been travel nursing almost twice as long as I haven't, and it's getting to the point where it's all I know. When I initially started traveling, I had the intention that I would do it until I was sick of it and would move back to Minnesota to pick up where I had left off. That's not so much of an option these days. After being away for almost 8 years, there's no longer such a thing as picking up where I left off. Life back in Minnesota went on without me, and to move back now I feel like it would be more like starting over. Of course I still have friends and family back in Minnesota who would love to have me back, but things are different now. People have gotten married, had children, moved to different parts of the state...they've gotten on with their lives, while I still seem to be in the same place. Not physically, of course, given that in the last 7+ years I've lived and worked in 9 different states. I guess in a traditional life-view, I'm still in the same place...not married, no kids, no home, no stable job. As the years have gone by, I've gotten more and more okay with my 'same place.' Almost to the point where I find it hard to relate to those who have gone the traditional route. In a sense, I've alienated myself. But in the process, I've also aligned myself with those who are like me, and there are, surprisingly, a lot of us. My personal life is full of brief camaraderies with people who are constantly coming and going. My map of friends is dotted with people in many different states, and even a few countries. I've had the opportunity to experience American culture in a lot of its variances...as a nation America really is very diverse, and I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to experience it.

So what's the struggle, if life in my same place seems to suit me so well? There was always option 2, which was the idea that I would travel nurse until I found a place where I would like to stay. And part of me thinks that I may have found that place. Flagstaff has been an absolute dream. Everything about it just pulls me in. I love the people, the food, the culture, the weather, the sunshine, the mountains, the nature...I could go on about all the merits of this town. And it's not like I haven't been to places that have had all kinds of wonderful things. North Carolina still holds a special place in my heart. I miss Vermont. Living near the water in Florida was amazing. Even Arkansas had its merits. What sets Flagstaff apart, the proverbial icing on the cake, is the hospital. Flagstaff Medical Center is by far the best hospital I have ever worked in. Since I've been working, I feel like I can't stress enough the importance of liking your job. If you don't like your job, that dislike infects every other aspect of your life. It's hard to be truly happy when one of the most time-consuming aspects of your life makes you miserable. I have very little sympathy or tolerance for people who continually complain about, yet choose to stay, at a job they hate. If you hate your job so much, get a different one. Go back to school, find a career that makes you happy (easier said than done, I know...but if you want something bad enough, you find a way to make it happen). I'm happy at the hospital in Flagstaff. I don't have that feeling of disdain before going into work, surrendering to the dread of what lies ahead in the upcoming shift. I work with truly wonderful people, in a health system that truly seems to care about its employees. That's a rare combo these days, my friends, which is a sad fact in its own right. Even the patients here are different. I've never had the pleasure of caring for such decent people in my life. Of course there are always those outliers who make me want to rip all my hair out and subsequently shove it down their throats, but luckily there seem to be far less of them here than in any other place I've worked.

So I'm struggling with the part of me that wants to stay, and the part of me that wants to go. In the past few weeks I've been perusing real estate and rental websites, scouring Craigslist for furniture and whatnot. And I end every web session feeling depressed and defeated. Was it really this hard when I bought my house in Rochester? I remember being so excited about that, and Flagstaff seems to have so much more to offer me than Rochester, so why am I not excited now? Is it not the right time? Am I afraid of commitment? And what perplexes me even more, is that Simon, the guy who up until this point had described himself as 'always having one foot out the door' when it comes to living situations, is ready to pack up and move to Flagstaff tomorrow.

So why am I losing my shit? Why all the anxiety? What's the big deal? I wish I knew. On one hand, the travel nursing is stressful. Picking up and moving every 3-6 months is not as glamorous as it sounds...most people think it doesn't sound glamorous at all, and they're mostly right. Moving sucks. Even when you're excited about where you're going, the actual act of moving is a pain in the butt. I've lost or damaged countless things in our moves, and while most things are replaceable, the act of replacing something that has already been replaced two or three times prior is annoying. And I have so many things that I've been keeping in storage for the past 8 years...my books, my chicken trinkets, my photo albums and scrapbooks, my kitchen gadgets, my artwork...there just isn't room to take all that stuff with me on a temporary move. The thought of staying put for a while actually does sound quite appealing. Learning a new hospital and everything that goes along with starting a new job every 3-6 months is stressful. Granted, after about 2 weeks I settle in nicely and feel mostly comfortable in my job. Learning and exploring a new town every 3-6 months is stressful, but its also really exciting too. I like to explore...everything from grocery stores to local markets to local attractions. I like to get out and see what there is to see. And that's the part that worries me the most. What if I feel stagnant? What if I get bored? What if after 7 months here I get that unscratchable itch to be somewhere else? 

I guess in the event that I get shifty, I follow my own advice...do something about it.  Take a trip.  Go on a cruise, fly home for a few days, take a step back and figure out the things in the area that I haven't done, and do them.  I've got friends and family all over the country, it's not like I don't have anyone or anywhere to visit.  I know I'll like living here.  Heck, I've been here for almost a year already and there are still new things to be found, new things to eat, new things to see, new things to do.  I feel like I haven't yet exhausted all there is to do in this area.  And at the end of the day, as long as I have Simon and the dogs with me, I'll be happy wherever I am.  They are my home, my center, my happy place.  Everything else is just details.  

In the process of deciding to make the move out here, it's been helped along by some really great people.  A coworker of mine told me the other night that she wants to adopt me so that I'll have to stay here.  From the outset my boss has hinted that he would love to have me join his staff.  It's nice to hear that people appreciate me, because I feel that far too often, people don't verbalize their compliments.  Not that I need to be showered with praise at a constant, but it's nice to know that people not only appreciate me while I'm here, but that they would like for me to stay a little while longer.  Simon's boss and his coworkers have also been hassling him for quite some time now about going on staff.  Knowing that we'll be inserting ourselves into a positive environment makes the decision that much easier.  I briefly spoke with my boss recently about going on staff, and I verbalized my concerns about giving up this gypsy lifestyle.  He told me there is always the option of taking a leave of absence to get those travel jitters out of my system.  Like I said earlier, this hospital takes care of its employees...it's like they really care about whether we're happy or not. 

So that's where I'm at.  I started this blog earlier in the week, and in the past few days I've really come to accept that a move to Flagstaff is in my future.  And I'm okay with it.  I'm more than okay with it.  I'm looking forward to it.  And I hope a lot of you are looking forward to coming to visit me here...you just might find yourself wanting to uproot too.  This place does that to a person.  When Simon and I were in orientation back in October, the director of nursing told us that Mt. Elden (one of the mountains here in Flagstaff) will call you back should you decide to leave.  At that time I thought she was little full of it.  Now I get it...and I hear it, loud and clear.