In recent months, I've come to the realization that I am very influenced by negativity. I'd noticed that I had easily become swallowed by my own negativity, and that it was affecting my relationship with Simon, my outlook on my job, relationships with my friends and coworkers, and my own well-being in general. And I hated it. I hated me. I hated who I had become and what I was contributing to myself and to the people around me.
I've always been cynical and snarky, a glass-half-empty kind of person, if you will. Some people find it endearing that I don't beat around the bush and will say what everyone else is thinking...what everyone else is too polite to say out loud. Sometimes it can be funny to be cynical, but after a while, it permeates everything in my life, and I start being cynical about even the smallest of things. I swear far too much. You know you have a potty mouth when you are known in certain circles or are introduced to new people as "the one who swears a lot." Getting together and having a bitchfest with my friends now makes me feel sad and sometimes hopeless...is this what we have become? Is this what brings us joy in our lives? Our complaints are, for the most part, so insignificant, and nothing that a couple hours in a hot tub or a good hike in the woods can't cure. Granted, hiking around in the woods won't pay the bills (unless you happen to one of those lucky bastards I follow on Instagram who are sponsored by outdoor gear companies), but it can make us forget about them for a while. I've had to have conversations with friends about how we need to decrease our negative conversations and focus mostly on positive ones. Not that there's no room for venting frustrations...we all need that from time to time, but I've been trying to reevaluate what is a valid frustration that warrants verbal recognition, and what is complaining for complaining's sake.
My mom always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I've found that it's much harder to take back a negative comment than a positive one. Just because something might be perceived to be true, doesn't mean it always needs to be said, especially if it is negative or hurtful. I came across some advice that I've mentioned in a previous blog about having meaningful conversation. Before speaking, ask yourself 3 things: Is it true? Is it necessary or relevant? Is it kind? Not that all conversation needs to be meaningful...many of the conversations I have are downright silly and irrelevant, but just thinking about the message I'm trying to convey can bring more meaning to what I'm saying.
I have a few friends who are glass-half-full types of people, and when I was wallowing in my negativity, I had a hard time being around them. I thought they viewed the world through rose colored glasses, and that there couldn't possibly be a way to find so much delight and fascination in life when all I wanted to do was verbally destroy it with my cynicism. If only I could get them to agree with me on how awful something appeared to be...just one thing...anything. How sad for them to try to have a meaningful conversation with me. How sad for me to be such a downer. So, if you are one of my glass-half-full friends and our interactions as of late have been scarce, please accept my apologies for my attitude...let's hang out and talk about all the good things in our lives that we've missed out on during our time apart.
I used to think that glass-half-full types suffered from a general lack of adversity, and that their excess positivity stemmed from an existence far less complicated than my own. I used to think that they were arguing with me for the sake of arguing, that there's no way anyone could find positivity in virtually every situation...turns out it was me who was doing most of the arguing, and that there is a way to put a positive spin on almost any situation. And then I started looking at the things I thought were complicating my life, and they amounted to such trivial things that I was embarrassed to be complaining out loud about them at all. Most adversities in my life could be dealt with quietly, by simply acknowledging that they were there, and then by rationally coming up with a plan of action. Is management of this adversity something that is within my control? And if so, what can I feasibly, realistically, and calmly do about it? If the adversity is not within my control, what steps can I take to accept that and move on while still obtaining a satisfactory resolution?
In embracing positivity, I've noticed that I'm much more sensitive to negativity. I interact with negative attitudes, and it puts me on edge. If I can't positively contribute, or if I recognize that positive contribution is futile, then I try not to engage at all. It's so weird to sit back and listen or disengage completely instead of joining in. Simon has noticed and verbalized appreciation for my new outlook. I wonder if anyone else has noticed? It's fair to say that I could pretty much be counted on to join in on and strongly contribute to conversations dominated by snark...that's just who I was and who I'm now working hard not to be. And believe it or not...I'm feeling better about myself, my relationships, and my job. There will always be frustrations, but I'm finding that adopting a positive attitude helps me to better deal with those frustrations. And not only to help me deal, but to feel better about the resolutions I come to, even if those resolutions aren't always overwhelmingly favorable. Those glass-half-full people are on to something!
Finding the humor in everyday life, and being an outright cynical asshole are two very different things. I want to be more of the former and try to eliminate the latter. I want to work on being funny and light-hearted without being such a douche. Maybe try watching the river go by, rather than jumping into it unnecessarily. I want to be a better listener, and to encourage others to do the same. I want to talk about light-hearted, simple things...I want to hear about people's kids and their pets, their trips and what makes them happy. I want to hear about their last good meal, their favorite kind of chocolate, their recent proud accomplishment. I don't want to talk so much about work and how awful it can sometimes be. I have to remind myself that of all the hospitals I've worked in, from world-class medical centers to hospitals in towns few people have heard of, this is the one I chose to stay at, and that there were good reasons for that decision. I know that for most of us, we spend a significant amount of time at our jobs, not out of desire, but out of necessity. And if we're not happy at work, then that unhappiness starts to spread to other aspects of our lives. This is a truth that I've been aware of for a long time. We all work, and for a lot of us, our job is not our passion...that's just how it is. A lot of us take our passion with us to our jobs, but if given the opportunity to financially make what I do as a nurse by hiking around in the woods looking at birds or by paddle boarding with manatees, I'd never set foot in a hospital again. I think I'm good at nursing...overall I like it quite a bit, and given my particular skill set, I think it was a good career choice for me. But there are barriers in place that prevent it from being my passion. Some I can control, some I can't. So, my hope is to do less of what I'm simply good at, and more of what I'm passionate about, and to somehow find a way to balance those two things in a meaningful, productive way.
Simon recently brought awareness to some struggles he was having with our relationship, and we talked about it. Like 2 adults. Without bitterness or anger or judgement or blame. I know, I know, to most people we seem like we've got all our ducks in a row, blissfully moving from place to place, photographically documenting it all for our friends and family to see. What could we possibly find to fight about? Who put the toilet paper roll on incorrectly? For the record, I find underhand to be the most correct, but I'm open to rational discussion on the topic. All jokes aside, Simon and I face adversity in our relationship just like anyone else. I don't think it would be fair to say that we never fight, but we rarely fight. We've found a comfort level in our relationship that allows us to openly communicate our frustrations before they reach the point of yelling, blaming, and hurt feelings. Mind games and manipulation have no place in our relationship, and those things certainly wouldn't help us manage what adversities might come our way. Adversity doesn't have to end in negativity and pointed fingers and hopelessness and anger. I think Paul said it best in Corinthians 13: 4-7..."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I've always loved that verse, and feel it can be universally applied not just to those we love, but to those we want to have in our lives.
Adversity will always be there, it's up to us to decide how we're going to respond to it. I've been working very hard on picking my battles, in deciding what is worth my emotional engagement, and what isn't. Instead of verbally escalating a situation, I quietly ruminate on it and try to come up with an action plan. I try to decide what is worth pursuing and what is better to just let go. It's a work in progress, and takes daily focus. Some days are better than others, but I've reached the point where I'm tired of carrying around my cynicism, sarcasm, and negativity like a badge of honor. People respond better to my positivity than to my negativity, and I'm trying to purposefully be aware of that. Life's far too short to go through it with a bad attitude.
This year for Christmas, Simon bought me a book called The 5 Minute Journal. It's not a journal in the traditional sense of writing a narrative, but more of a lead-by-suggestion style of writing. Every morning I write down three things that I'm grateful for, three things that would make my day great, and a personal daily affirmation. In the evening, just before bed, I'm supposed to write down three things that were great about my day, and two things that I could have done to make my day even better. Being the skeptical cynic that I am, I had my doubts about how often I would use it, and if I would even get anything out of it. Flipping through it, I wondered if I could even find three things a day to be grateful for. But, given that Simon put a fair amount of thought into this gift, all the while knowing my skeptical nature, I decided to give it a try, if only to show him that I appreciated his gift. Little did I know that that little journal would be the spearhead of my new positivity movement. I never would have thought that naming three things I'm grateful for could have changed my outlook on life so much. I started out struggling with the three grateful things. At first I was trying to be lofty and thoughtful, and when that got frustrating, I got trivial. I was grateful for the heated mattress pad. I was grateful for winter boots. I was grateful for sleeping in. And little by little, I realized that being grateful doesn't have to be about the big things in life...the little things are just as important, and can make you feel just as good as the big things, but with greater frequency. Now I struggle with naming only three things I'm grateful for. And this all happened within the span of about a week or two...I've only been using the journal since the first of the year, but it's kind of changed my life. Who knew? Simon, apparently. Another case of him knowing me better than I know myself...or perhaps he just knows what's better for me than I do. Maybe it's a little of both.
I truly am grateful for so many things in my life, and until recently, it seemed I was taking all of those things for granted. I was focusing too much on what I didn't have, while ignoring all the good things I had sitting right in front of me. They include but are not limited to:
I will be making changes in the next few months. Some big, some little. Some because I have to, most because I want to. I think in life you should always strive to be as happy as possible...if you don't like your job, your boyfriend, where you live...change it. I know it sounds overly simple, and everyone's life has its own specific complications, but if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it. It might not happen overnight, but I truly think that anything worth doing is worth doing well and with intention. Don't be rash, and take your time, but make strides to find your happiness. Have a goal in mind, and work towards it.
Sometimes when I hear myself say these things out loud, it makes me sound like a dreamer, like there's no way to remain consistently positive and still take life seriously. Maybe that's the point of all this introspection. Maybe life shouldn't be taken so seriously.
I've always been cynical and snarky, a glass-half-empty kind of person, if you will. Some people find it endearing that I don't beat around the bush and will say what everyone else is thinking...what everyone else is too polite to say out loud. Sometimes it can be funny to be cynical, but after a while, it permeates everything in my life, and I start being cynical about even the smallest of things. I swear far too much. You know you have a potty mouth when you are known in certain circles or are introduced to new people as "the one who swears a lot." Getting together and having a bitchfest with my friends now makes me feel sad and sometimes hopeless...is this what we have become? Is this what brings us joy in our lives? Our complaints are, for the most part, so insignificant, and nothing that a couple hours in a hot tub or a good hike in the woods can't cure. Granted, hiking around in the woods won't pay the bills (unless you happen to one of those lucky bastards I follow on Instagram who are sponsored by outdoor gear companies), but it can make us forget about them for a while. I've had to have conversations with friends about how we need to decrease our negative conversations and focus mostly on positive ones. Not that there's no room for venting frustrations...we all need that from time to time, but I've been trying to reevaluate what is a valid frustration that warrants verbal recognition, and what is complaining for complaining's sake.
My mom always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I've found that it's much harder to take back a negative comment than a positive one. Just because something might be perceived to be true, doesn't mean it always needs to be said, especially if it is negative or hurtful. I came across some advice that I've mentioned in a previous blog about having meaningful conversation. Before speaking, ask yourself 3 things: Is it true? Is it necessary or relevant? Is it kind? Not that all conversation needs to be meaningful...many of the conversations I have are downright silly and irrelevant, but just thinking about the message I'm trying to convey can bring more meaning to what I'm saying.
I have a few friends who are glass-half-full types of people, and when I was wallowing in my negativity, I had a hard time being around them. I thought they viewed the world through rose colored glasses, and that there couldn't possibly be a way to find so much delight and fascination in life when all I wanted to do was verbally destroy it with my cynicism. If only I could get them to agree with me on how awful something appeared to be...just one thing...anything. How sad for them to try to have a meaningful conversation with me. How sad for me to be such a downer. So, if you are one of my glass-half-full friends and our interactions as of late have been scarce, please accept my apologies for my attitude...let's hang out and talk about all the good things in our lives that we've missed out on during our time apart.
I used to think that glass-half-full types suffered from a general lack of adversity, and that their excess positivity stemmed from an existence far less complicated than my own. I used to think that they were arguing with me for the sake of arguing, that there's no way anyone could find positivity in virtually every situation...turns out it was me who was doing most of the arguing, and that there is a way to put a positive spin on almost any situation. And then I started looking at the things I thought were complicating my life, and they amounted to such trivial things that I was embarrassed to be complaining out loud about them at all. Most adversities in my life could be dealt with quietly, by simply acknowledging that they were there, and then by rationally coming up with a plan of action. Is management of this adversity something that is within my control? And if so, what can I feasibly, realistically, and calmly do about it? If the adversity is not within my control, what steps can I take to accept that and move on while still obtaining a satisfactory resolution?
In embracing positivity, I've noticed that I'm much more sensitive to negativity. I interact with negative attitudes, and it puts me on edge. If I can't positively contribute, or if I recognize that positive contribution is futile, then I try not to engage at all. It's so weird to sit back and listen or disengage completely instead of joining in. Simon has noticed and verbalized appreciation for my new outlook. I wonder if anyone else has noticed? It's fair to say that I could pretty much be counted on to join in on and strongly contribute to conversations dominated by snark...that's just who I was and who I'm now working hard not to be. And believe it or not...I'm feeling better about myself, my relationships, and my job. There will always be frustrations, but I'm finding that adopting a positive attitude helps me to better deal with those frustrations. And not only to help me deal, but to feel better about the resolutions I come to, even if those resolutions aren't always overwhelmingly favorable. Those glass-half-full people are on to something!
Finding the humor in everyday life, and being an outright cynical asshole are two very different things. I want to be more of the former and try to eliminate the latter. I want to work on being funny and light-hearted without being such a douche. Maybe try watching the river go by, rather than jumping into it unnecessarily. I want to be a better listener, and to encourage others to do the same. I want to talk about light-hearted, simple things...I want to hear about people's kids and their pets, their trips and what makes them happy. I want to hear about their last good meal, their favorite kind of chocolate, their recent proud accomplishment. I don't want to talk so much about work and how awful it can sometimes be. I have to remind myself that of all the hospitals I've worked in, from world-class medical centers to hospitals in towns few people have heard of, this is the one I chose to stay at, and that there were good reasons for that decision. I know that for most of us, we spend a significant amount of time at our jobs, not out of desire, but out of necessity. And if we're not happy at work, then that unhappiness starts to spread to other aspects of our lives. This is a truth that I've been aware of for a long time. We all work, and for a lot of us, our job is not our passion...that's just how it is. A lot of us take our passion with us to our jobs, but if given the opportunity to financially make what I do as a nurse by hiking around in the woods looking at birds or by paddle boarding with manatees, I'd never set foot in a hospital again. I think I'm good at nursing...overall I like it quite a bit, and given my particular skill set, I think it was a good career choice for me. But there are barriers in place that prevent it from being my passion. Some I can control, some I can't. So, my hope is to do less of what I'm simply good at, and more of what I'm passionate about, and to somehow find a way to balance those two things in a meaningful, productive way.
Simon recently brought awareness to some struggles he was having with our relationship, and we talked about it. Like 2 adults. Without bitterness or anger or judgement or blame. I know, I know, to most people we seem like we've got all our ducks in a row, blissfully moving from place to place, photographically documenting it all for our friends and family to see. What could we possibly find to fight about? Who put the toilet paper roll on incorrectly? For the record, I find underhand to be the most correct, but I'm open to rational discussion on the topic. All jokes aside, Simon and I face adversity in our relationship just like anyone else. I don't think it would be fair to say that we never fight, but we rarely fight. We've found a comfort level in our relationship that allows us to openly communicate our frustrations before they reach the point of yelling, blaming, and hurt feelings. Mind games and manipulation have no place in our relationship, and those things certainly wouldn't help us manage what adversities might come our way. Adversity doesn't have to end in negativity and pointed fingers and hopelessness and anger. I think Paul said it best in Corinthians 13: 4-7..."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I've always loved that verse, and feel it can be universally applied not just to those we love, but to those we want to have in our lives.
Adversity will always be there, it's up to us to decide how we're going to respond to it. I've been working very hard on picking my battles, in deciding what is worth my emotional engagement, and what isn't. Instead of verbally escalating a situation, I quietly ruminate on it and try to come up with an action plan. I try to decide what is worth pursuing and what is better to just let go. It's a work in progress, and takes daily focus. Some days are better than others, but I've reached the point where I'm tired of carrying around my cynicism, sarcasm, and negativity like a badge of honor. People respond better to my positivity than to my negativity, and I'm trying to purposefully be aware of that. Life's far too short to go through it with a bad attitude.
This year for Christmas, Simon bought me a book called The 5 Minute Journal. It's not a journal in the traditional sense of writing a narrative, but more of a lead-by-suggestion style of writing. Every morning I write down three things that I'm grateful for, three things that would make my day great, and a personal daily affirmation. In the evening, just before bed, I'm supposed to write down three things that were great about my day, and two things that I could have done to make my day even better. Being the skeptical cynic that I am, I had my doubts about how often I would use it, and if I would even get anything out of it. Flipping through it, I wondered if I could even find three things a day to be grateful for. But, given that Simon put a fair amount of thought into this gift, all the while knowing my skeptical nature, I decided to give it a try, if only to show him that I appreciated his gift. Little did I know that that little journal would be the spearhead of my new positivity movement. I never would have thought that naming three things I'm grateful for could have changed my outlook on life so much. I started out struggling with the three grateful things. At first I was trying to be lofty and thoughtful, and when that got frustrating, I got trivial. I was grateful for the heated mattress pad. I was grateful for winter boots. I was grateful for sleeping in. And little by little, I realized that being grateful doesn't have to be about the big things in life...the little things are just as important, and can make you feel just as good as the big things, but with greater frequency. Now I struggle with naming only three things I'm grateful for. And this all happened within the span of about a week or two...I've only been using the journal since the first of the year, but it's kind of changed my life. Who knew? Simon, apparently. Another case of him knowing me better than I know myself...or perhaps he just knows what's better for me than I do. Maybe it's a little of both.
I truly am grateful for so many things in my life, and until recently, it seemed I was taking all of those things for granted. I was focusing too much on what I didn't have, while ignoring all the good things I had sitting right in front of me. They include but are not limited to:
-I have a good job working with great people.
-I have a cozy apartment filled with my favorite things...this has become more apparent since the continual downsizing.
-I have money to buy the things I need, and enough left over to splurge on the things I want.
-I have a boyfriend I can talk to...not just about the easy things, but the hard things too.
-I have a little dog who loves me to pieces, even though he doesn't snuggle as much as I would like.
-I have friends and family all over the country who I miss terribly, and who I don't see nearly enough, but I'm so grateful for the bits and pieces of time we have together.
-I am safe. I am warm. I am healthy. I have everything I need.
-I have a plan that involves the open road, America's and maybe even Canada's national parks, and living big in a little space.
I will be making changes in the next few months. Some big, some little. Some because I have to, most because I want to. I think in life you should always strive to be as happy as possible...if you don't like your job, your boyfriend, where you live...change it. I know it sounds overly simple, and everyone's life has its own specific complications, but if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it. It might not happen overnight, but I truly think that anything worth doing is worth doing well and with intention. Don't be rash, and take your time, but make strides to find your happiness. Have a goal in mind, and work towards it.
Sometimes when I hear myself say these things out loud, it makes me sound like a dreamer, like there's no way to remain consistently positive and still take life seriously. Maybe that's the point of all this introspection. Maybe life shouldn't be taken so seriously.
I love you too!! I think of you often and how for years you were the sunshine to my clouds...that must have been so exhausting for you. Thanks so much for always putting up with me and for being one of the best people I know. You are definitely one of the people who inspired this post. :)
ReplyDeletelove you stef!
ReplyDeletebest,
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