Staying Home: Part หนึ่ง

In case you're wondering, that funny little symbol in the blog title is the Thai numeral for 3. :) Going on week whatever-this-is of staying at home, here's a little update on the daily going's on around here.

What I'm drinking: I've started drinking black coffee. Weird, I know. I never thought I'd be a black coffee drinker, and here I am. I'm still in the early stages and luckily Simon and our roommate Eli are coffee snobs, so I'm drinking some pretty good stuff. I don't forsee me ever being a Folgers black coffee drinker, though...hahaha! My friend Jan also gave Simon and I some Celestial Seasonings Ginger + Probiotics tea, and it's so good!! I drink one cup a day and hopefully that will keep all the bad things away.

What I'm watching: Years ago for Christmas my parents bought me season one of Six Feet Under, an HBO show about a dysfunctional family who runs a funeral home. I never did get around to watching it until just recently. The show takes place/was filmed in 2001, and it's been fun to see all the familiar things from that era...the outfits, the hair styles, the accessories, the music, the cars, the flip phones, and the cultural references. You can definitely see how Six Feet Under laid the ground work for Michael C. Hall to become the character of Dexter for the Showtime series...he plays a toned down but still conflicted version of Dexter in this series, and as of yet, has not actually murdered anyone. One of the characters, the teenage daughter Claire, drives an old hearse as her personal vehicle, which I think is pretty cool. It also got me thinking...what a great camping vehicle an old hearse would be! Plenty of room in the back for a mattress and whatnot. Just jack that thing up, put some burly tires on it, and boom...instant adventure vehicle. I'm surprised we don't see more hearses hanging out in the woods...perhaps people are weirded out by sleeping in a spot that had previously been occupied by dead people. I'm not going to lie, I did a used vehicle search and you can get an older model, low-milage Cadillac hearse for around $4,000, just in case this idea piques your interest. I could probably even hook you up with a few outfitters who would love the challenge of converting a hearse to a camping vehicle. :)

What I'm reading: I started reading a book called Heart: A History by Sandeep Jauhar. I snagged it out of a lending library at the hospital during a relatively slow night on our unit. It's a book about our complicated relationship with our hearts, which is both an organ, a muscle, and very affected by emotions, different from our other organs. I was particularly fascinated by the chapter on Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, also known as broken-heart syndrome. I remember years ago when I was in my early 20's, enduring heartbreak after heartbreak, hoping someday either I or the men I was pursuing would get our shit together. I asked my friend Pritish, who was a medical resident at the time, why our hearts hurt when we're sad. I knew there had to be some sort of physiologic explanation for it, because the ache was so intense and so very real. He didn't have an answer for me. It's also entirely possible that he might have known, but just didn't want to get involved in the sadness of a broken-hearted 20-something, which is understandable. It wasn't until years later that I first heard about Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, because I was caring for a patient who had been diagnosed with it after the death of her spouse. Apparently during intense sadness and the adrenaline increases that go along with it, the heart actually physically changes shape and balloons into the shape of a Takotsubo pot, which the Japanese used to trap octopus...it's wide at the bottom and narrow at the top. Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy is typically temporary and resolves within a few weeks, but during the acute phase it can cause heart failure, arrythmias, and even death. The symptoms of Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy mimic those of a heart attack, including chest pain and shortness of breath, both of which I had personally experienced during periods of sadness following breakups. I'm not trying to say that I had Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, but the symptoms were very much there. So there you have it. A broken heart really is and can be just that...a broken heart.

What I'm reading

What I've been working on: I started training Kiki with a shock collar. It kind of breaks my heart, but it's something that I've been considering for quite a while, and we had an incident the other day that convinced me that it was time. Since we've been social distancing, I've been trying to get in at least a 3 mile walk everyday, and Kiki comes along. I prefer to walk her off-leash, as it's just more pleasurable for the both of us...she gets to tear around and sniff, and I don't have to wait for her or try to keep up with her. She typically sticks pretty close and most of the time she comes back when called. There's a road that we walk along that has a few houses on it, but otherwise is pretty open and wild. There's one particular house that has chickens, and we've walked by this house tons of times and Kiki hasn't paid the chickens any mind. Well, the other day the chickens were closer to the road than they typically are, and she took off after them. No amount of yelling at her or calling to her could break her focus, and I was worried that she was going to catch one and kill it, or even worse, that the owner of the house would see her going after his chickens and shoot her. Growing up in farm country in Minnesota, farmers were known to shoot dogs who came onto their property and chased their livestock, that's just how it was. As I chased Kiki across this farmer's property, I was worried about her getting shot, but I also worried about myself getting caught in the middle of it as well...it's just not a safe situation for anyone. I finally caught her and that has been the end of the off-leash walking. We've gone on three walks now with the shock collar and I've used it to correct her a few times. She's a smart dog and she's been really responsive, and she's starting to respond more readily to my voice. There are still times when I struggle to break her focus, and we'll see what happens when I start trying her off-leash again. I've determined that it's going to be a while before I'm comfortable walking her off-leash near the farmhouses though, so I'm going to start off-leash training out in the woods. She loves to chase birds and squirrels, and we've been pretty lenient since we got her about letting her chase them, so we'll see if I can start having success with calling her off of those before we delve into chicken territory again. She's a cattle dog and she loves to chase, that's just who she is and it makes me sad to take that away from her, but she needs to be safe and listen to me. If you've trained your dogs with shock collars or have any other advice for me regarding chasing, I'd love to hear it.

Kiki getting some morning sunlight, waiting patiently for her walk

What I'm cooking: With the collaboration of our roommate Eli, we've been trying out at least one new recipe a week. I think we're about 70-30 with regard to success and failures. Our first big success was a Khao Soi curry recipe, which is a style of curry noodle found in northern Thailand. Simon and I had it there during our trip and it's so amazingly good. I have a Thai cookbook that I've literally never opened and we delved into it and lo and behold, the Khao Soi recipe was so incredibly easy and so delicious! So that was a winner. Another time we made homemade pizzas with homemade dough and we all picked our individual toppings...those were fantastic. Just a couple days ago we made a shwarma chicken pot pie, using marinated chicken thighs that we got at Trader Joe's. Let me tell you, it was absolutely amazing and it took an act of willpower to not just sit down and eat all of it right out of the pie plate. I made chicken meatballs the other day and finally got to use my meatball scooper. From start to finish, there was very little touching of raw meat and the entire process time was cut almost in half. Winning! One of the failures has been a batch of pancakes that were crazy salty due to a measuring spoon mishap. Another failure was a batch of pasta I made using some house-made nduja sausage from one of our local restaurants. It was my first time using this type of sausage and come to find out, a little goes a loooong way. The pasta turned out so greasy and rich that I honestly couldn't eat it. Simon and Eli did a good job of mostly finishing it off. We're coining these mishaps "failures moving forward," because we're learning from our mistakes and are committed to trying again, rather than just quitting all together, which sometimes is the easier route. It's been great trying all these things out together; it's made distancing that much more bearable.

Nduja pasta...better luck next time!

In the cooking vein, I've started going through all the Rachael Ray and Food Network magazines that I've been stockpiling over the years. I'd earmarked a ton of recipes in them and then just stashed them away. So now I'm going through all of them, tearing out the recipes that I want to make, and putting them in a binder for easy access later. For the past couple months, I've been craving pasta like nobody's business, so a vast majority of the recipes I'm saving are for pasta. Also, staying true to my midwestern roots, I'm a huge fan of the one-pot recipes. Anything that requires multiple steps to both prep and then prepare are uninteresting to me. However, I'm more than happy to eat futzy recipes if someone else is willing to make them for me.

What I'm growing: I've recently added to my indoor plant collection, and everyone is still alive! It's a miracle! Even my rehabbed orchid still looks amazing. It turns out that I've been under-watering my plants, which has never been an issue for me before. Typically I water my plants pretty much to death, so this is a new chapter in my plant rearing. So far so good!

Easter cactus that I've managed to keep alive

New traditions: Pretty much every morning, Simon, Eli and I get together for coffee. We all sit at the table and work on whatever projects we have going on. Eli typically writes, Simon reads the news, and I randomly do one thing or another. It's hard for me to sit and focus my attention on any one thing, but I'm working on it. Sometimes we sit and talk and I really enjoy those interactions a lot. It's been nice having a third perspective in the house because there's so much more to talk about. Not that Simon and I would otherwise have nothing to talk about having exhausted all conversations in the 13 years that we've been together, but it's nice to have a new perspective on things. We've also started doing Sushi Sundays. We don't do it every Sunday, but most Sundays we get sushi take-out from our favorite sushi place in town. It's been pretty wonderful and it's a great way to finish off the day. I'm so thankful for the local businesses that continue to offer take-out.

Care packages and coffee from friends. :)

Simon: He's having a good day today, and says that today is the best he's felt since he first started getting sick. He joined me on my walk with Kiki this morning and did the whole thing with us. Typically he starts out with us and then turns around early so as not to wear himself out. He's still pretty tired and takes multiple naps a day, but overall the fevers and the body aches are gone. I'm hoping sometime later this week or early next week I'll be able to move back into the bed and life can resume. Thanks so much for all the kinds words we've received, the offers to bring us things, and thanks for the care packages. You guys have been so great and supportive and have made this process easier not just for Simon, but for me as well. It's been hard not just being apart from him but worrying about him as well. I'm thankful for the times I've been able to get out and clear my head.

What I did today: I had breakfast and coffee and then Simon and I took Kiki for a walk. She did well but still went after a squirrel. She's getting better though. Then I came back, and gave Cooper a bath in the sink. There was much less screaming than the last time, thank goodness. Then I took a shower, and put on real pants. Plans for the day include a live-streaming yoga class and virtual happy hour with a friend this evening. Perhaps I'll get around to another episode of Six Feet Under and put some of my recipes in the binder. But we'll see, don't want to get too ambitious. ;)

Stay well, stay healthy!

Close to Home

Simon on the bridge over the Douro River in Porto, Portugal

Almost two weeks ago, for whatever reason, I happened to wake up at 3am and noticed that Simon was also awake. "I have a fever and I'm achey" was all he said to me. Knowing what we know, I was filled with a sense of dread. Despite all our efforts, our social distancing, our staying at home, our precautions at work, the coronavirus had somehow come home with us.

Out for a snowy adventure with Amy in Mountainaire

Simon was tested on April 13th, and on April 15th he got the results of his swab back. Positive. By this time he had already been sick for a few days, so the positive result wasn't really all that surprising to us, but it still stung a bit. I feel like I've been walking on egg shells around him since then; not as a result of his behavior towards me, but because I don't want to let my mind wander to the dark places that are a direct result of working with patients infected with the coronavirus in the hospital setting. I'm also being cautious in the highly unlikely event that I've somehow managed to avoid exposure while living here with him.

Minnesota State Fair with Jenny D and Feather

Simon's symptoms have been mostly atypical; he's had fevers and fatigue, which are pretty consistent with Covid-19, the illness caused by the virus, but he's also had pretty intense body aches. Thankfully he hasn't had much for respiratory symptoms, outside of some random chest tightness that comes and goes. His oxygen saturation has been in the mid-low 90's, which isn't too concerning at this point; people tend to have lower oxygen saturations when living at higher altitudes. I don't think my oxygen saturation gets much above 97% these days. His temperature has consistently been under 101 degrees, and he doesn't have fevers everyday. Funny story (kind of), given all the hoarding of medical supplies in town, I have been unable through multiple trips to multiple stores to find a thermometer, so we've been using a meat thermometer to take his temp. It's kind of ironic that as healthcare providers, we can't find medical equipment to care for ourselves at home. Funny not funny. **Update** Our buddy Branwyn brought us a human thermometer, so the meat thermometer can go back in the drawer...after being sanitized, of course. Simon did a quality control measure (of course) on both thermometers and the meat thermometer was accurate. So for those of you in a similar boat of not being able to find a thermometer for people, a digital meat thermometer will do in a pinch! :) Thanks to all of you who offered us thermometers, I should have asked sooner!

Hiking Camelback Mountain in Phoenix

The progress of Simon's symptoms also has seemed to be a little atypical as well. He was feeling pretty poorly for about 4-5 days after he first got the symptoms, started to feel better for a few days, and then on day 8 from the onset of symptoms, he got really sick again, worse than he had initially. The body aches came back along with the fevers and the fatigue. He was down like that for about 2 days, and over the past couple days he's started to gradually feel a little bit better. He's still tired and achey, but no fevers today. I made a pretty baller pot of homemade chicken noodle soup the other day, so I'm assuming that is having a direct result on his symptoms improving...hahaha! Check out the recipe here. Definitely take the time to make the bone broth...so much good flavor! I also added the juice of one lime and a splash of fish sauce just for fun. My "pinch" of cayenne also ended up being an entire teaspoon...whoops. Good thing we like things spicy around here. I also, as per usual, added too many noodles so the soup turned out more like a stew, but it's still pretty dang good.

Sunset on the beach in Lagos, Portugal with Jo and Dana

How have I been feeling since he got sick? Pretty good, to be honest. For the past few weeks I've had a random cough here and there, and also a little bit of chest tightness, but I'm an asthmatic with seasonal allergies and it's the windy season here in Flagstaff. Coughing, shortness of breath and being wheezy is part of the deal for me this time of year. I haven't had any fevers, body aches, or unusual fatigue. I will say that when I'm out and about wearing my mask I have shortness of breath, but I think that's psychological...being out and about around other people right now gives me anxiety, which causes shortness of breath, etc. Plus it's difficult and downright uncomfortable to do deep breathing grounding exercises with a mask on. Ick.

A snowy hike with Kiki

So what have I been doing since he got sick? Staying home, mostly. I've also been sleeping on the couch every night except for one night since Simon started having symptoms. Given that we'd been sleeping together this entire time before he got sick I'm not sure that it's necessary to sleep apart, but I think it's just more comfortable for both of us. Simon made the comment the other day that his fever broke while he was in bed and his sweat smelled like chicken noodle soup...I was thankful to have missed out on that little event. The dogs are very confused as I've relegated them to the love seat...there's just not room for me and both of them on the couch at the same time. They sit over on the love seat and stare longingly at me until I just can't take it anymore and roll over to avoid their gaze. Creepers. I've gone into town a couple times to get groceries (and look for a thermometer), and I've also gone to work. I'm not quite sure what to make of my situation regarding living with a known infected person and then going into work and being around both patients and my coworkers. There doesn't seem to be a lot of concrete guidance regarding what I should or shouldn't be doing. Given the incubation period of the virus, Simon could have been infected without symptoms as early as late March. During that time we were carrying on as we always do...sharing a bed, hanging out, sitting together on the couch, going places together in the car, cooking together. I've had ample opportunity to catch this thing from him, but I've yet to show any symptoms. Have I somehow, despite all odds, managed to avoid catching it at all? That seems pretty unlikely. Or am I one of those people who gets it but doesn't show symptoms? That's probably the most likely and most ideal scenario.

The dogs on the love seat...social distancing ;)

Truth be told, I worked with Covid positive patients before he did, but who knows how long we were working with infected people prior to knowing that they were infected? How many infected patients admitted for purely unrelated ailments did we treat and send home, being none the wiser to their underlying viral infection? If I had to guess, and this is purely a guess, one or both of us had ample opportunity to be exposed at work prior to our current precautions being put in place. However, we could have just as easily caught it out and about in Flagstaff, there's really no way to accurately know. All we can do now is move forward and keep ourselves away from other people to slow the spread of the virus. I can't help but wonder how many people we could have infected these past few weeks prior to Simon showing symptoms.

Riding bikes in Mountainaire

So where do we go from here? Well, Simon is still waiting to have a day with no symptoms. Today is day 11 since the start of symptoms. We've been told a few things as far as when he can go back to work, everything from being asymptomatic for three days to having two negative swabs before going back. Given that the information on this virus and the approach to it is constantly evolving, protocols are changing daily. I guess we'll wait until he starts having asymptomatic days and go from there. In the meantime, I'm told that I can still go to work as long as I'm not having any symptoms; I'm just required to wear a mask at all times (which I've already been doing per the workplace policy), and that I'm to notify employee health immediately if I start having symptoms. I can't decide how I feel about that, knowing that I'm living with an actively symptomatic person who has tested positive. I've clearly been exposed, and I keep wondering if I should be tested, but given my lack of symptoms and the overall lack of testing availability, I'm told that I don't currently qualify to be tested. So I'm just acting as though I have it and am proceeding accordingly.

Beers with our buddy David in Colorado

In a way I'm kind of relieved that this happened (poor miserable Simon may feel differently, however); maybe now I'll have some immunity to this and can move on with my life. The fear of catching it was almost overwhelming there for a while, and now here it is in my very own house. I did have a little mini-meltdown the other day when I was in town buying groceries. I'd been to a couple stores on the hunt for flour (found it) and a thermometer (no dice) and was disheartened and pissed off at the number of people out and about in groups with no masks on. It's so infuriating to me that people aren't taking this seriously. Whether it's out of boredom, ignorance, or indifference, there's no excuse for it. At the very least, they should be wearing a goddamned mask; if they can't fathom the idea of entertaining themselves at home then at the very least they should be decent human beings and protect the general population from themselves. After my little meltdown in the car I promptly drove myself to the drive-thru at  Chik-fil-A (where all the workers were wearing masks) for some mac and cheese and nuggets; I barely made it home before I stress ate all of it. No regrets...outside of wishing that I had gotten the large mac and cheese rather than the medium. Haha!

Simon and I in Lisbon, Portugal

So Simon currently is on full quarantine and I guess I'm on full social distancing with partial quarantine. Weird times, but hopefully they'll be over soon. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask. I don't know much more than most people but I've had the opportunity to observe coronavirus in multiple settings, and at this point I'm still fully on board with staying home, staying distant, and keeping this crap to yourselves.

Be well, my friends.

What is a Hero, Anyway?

Being directly involved in this pandemic while also being simultaneously affected by it have given me a lot of time to think about my career as a nurse, what it means to me, and what value it brings to others. The community support for us as healthcare workers has been so profound. Local businesses are bringing us food, family members are making signs and posting them up around town, the evening display of clapping, howling, and flashing of lights to commemorate the end of another hard day has shone a light on the value that we as healthcare workers bring to our community.

 One thing I know for sure, is that none of us are getting out of this without some form of trauma. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not. I hope that we can all somehow learn to use our shared traumas to be better humans overall, to support each other even when times are good, to see each person as a person of value, and not just a stranger on the street. My heart aches for those who have lost someone to this virus, as the typical rituals of sickness and dying have gone out the window in the interest of keeping the population at large as safe as possible. I think about all the people going home to empty houses, their spouses, friends, or family having been so rapidly and unexpectedly lost to this illness. Being a person who is sensitive to providing comfort during the dying process, this has been particularly difficult for me to provide patients and their families with "good deaths." I touched on that a little bit in my last blog, but I wanted to share a little bit about what this looks like on the inside for both nurses and patients, and why it's so important that we follow the recommendations to stay home, to stay healthy, and to support and encourage the same from those around us.

Recently I had the pleasure of caring for a very sweet man with coronavirus. He was getting better and in the morning would be going home to self-isolate and recover. The patient's spouse was also in the hospital with complications from the virus, and wasn't expected to make it through the night. After I received the call, I squatted down next to my patient's bed so that I could be to eye-to-eye with him; me in my full protective garb which includes gloves, a yellow gown, a mask, and eye goggles, and I told him that his wife had passed away. I remained there with him and held his hand while he cried. He blamed himself for what had happened because he had tested positive for coronavirus and believed that he had given it to her. I listened quietly, letting him talk, letting him cry, knowing that he needed me to just listen, to just be there with him; I was the only one there, the only one allowed to be with him. After a while I arranged for him to go see her, and I brought him to his wife's room down the hall so he could see her one last time. I left him there with her to say all the things he needed to say, to feel all the things he needed to feel in that moment; the two of them alone in that room, the last time they would be together.

She died alone. He mourned alone, with no one but me wearing the equivalent of a space suit to comfort him. In normal times, he would have been able to stay in his wife's room with her until she took her last breath, surrounded by those who cared about her the most, but with the virus visitation is extremely limited and outright prohibited most of the time due to the risk of exposure. I hate the ways that this virus has taken away our closeness towards each other. I couldn't even give him a hug because the risk of me being exposed is so high, even in my garb. We're told that if we follow the guidelines of wearing our protective equipment, our chances of contracting the virus at work are very low, but we still need to maintain our distance and keep our interactions at a minimum, which doesn't leave a whole lot of room to provide person-to-person comfort. And let's be honest, does anyone really want a hug from a person wearing head-to-toe protective gear? I feel like there is nothing less human than trying to hug a person whose very outfit screams "you're infected!" In all the ways that nurses have been described as heroes during this, I feel that providing emotional support and comfort through physical closeness is one of the super-powers that have been severely limited if not taken completely away from us. 

What is a hero anyway? I'm struggling a little bit with being called a hero. I feel like being a hero implies some sort of special ability or skill set that allows for a courageous self-sacrifice without judgement or bias, which I guess could be argued, but I'm doing what I do because professionally it's what I've always done. I don't say that with hubris nor do I mean for it to sound flippant, but the fact of the matter is, I've been a nurse for 18 years of my life, and at this point in my career being a nurse has become a large part of who I am and what I do. However, if I were to be completely honest, if there was a way for me to feasibly sit this one out, I would. I'm terrified of this virus; I'm terrified of what it can do to myself and those I care about. The other day at work my goggles fell off when I was providing patient care and I about lost my shit, worrying that I had been exposed. It's a romantic notion that nurses and doctors selflessly do what they do for the good of the human race. The reality is that even with the best of intentions, we're being paid to do what we do for the good of the human race. Do I care about people? Very much so. Do I want to help people be as healthy as they can be? Yes, I do. Does taking care of others fulfill me? Yes, it does. Would I do this for free? No, I wouldn't, not at this level of personal risk. That is the harsh reality of my chosen profession as a nurse. Does that make me less of a hero? Perhaps. Mr. Rogers famously said, "Look for the helpers, you will always find people who are helping." I very much enjoy being a helper in the hospital setting, and I personally feel that identifying as a helper is more suited to how I view myself as a nurse. Being a helper in someone's wellness journey is a very fulfilling part of my profession, but it doesn't come without personal physical, emotional, and mental risks.

To be honest, caring for patients with coronavirus has been unexpectedly restorative for me in so many ways. It's been weeks since I've been yelled at by a patient's family member. It's been weeks since a patient has disrespected, verbally, or physically abused me. Patients no longer demand things from me, they ask, and for the most part they listen without argument. They overwhelmingly are kind, they're grateful, they're listening to our recommendations and they're following them. I've never seen so many patients using their incentive spirometers, which, prior to coronavirus, either went straight into the trash or were just paper weights on their tray tables. For the first time in a long time, I think the patients are staring down the barrel of their own mortality and they are terrified. They've seen their family and friends die from this. Coronavirus has frightened them in a way high blood pressure never could, and never will. No longer am I seen as the pain in the ass waking them up in the night to take their blood pressure. No longer am I viewed as the one giving them shots just for funsies. I think for one of the very first times in my career as a nurse, I am now valued as one of the people who is directly involved with saving their lives, and all the miserable things that go along with being a patient have now become the very things that will keep them alive through this. It's always been that way for me, but it hasn't always been that way for them. It's been a very drastic change, and it's a change that I hope sticks around once things are back to "normal," whatever that will look like when this is all said and done.

In the meantime, the hospital units are quiet, there's very little coming and going, there's no laughter spilling out into the hallway from rooms full of friends and family. Prior to all this, when I heard laughter on the nursing unit, I would always go into the patient's rooms and tell them how wonderful it is to hear laughing in the hospital. It's something we don't hear nearly enough, and lately not at all. I think during all this, it feels insensitive or disrespectful to laugh in the presence of the sick, even though shared laughter can be so comforting. Laughter implies that things are okay, that we're relaxed, that we're able to not take things so seriously, that we will get through this and that it's okay to have a little fun along the way. Laughter means that we're able to find delight in the most minimal of things, human oddities, funny sayings, a wayward fart. I know that someday we'll laugh together again.

Take care, be well. Thank you for all things you are doing for yourself and others during this time of uncertainty.

Staying Home: Part Deux

My roommate brought home fresh croissants and other assorted pastries from a bakery here in town this morning, and as the taste of chocolate lingers on my tongue and the last little bits of butter are wiped from my fingers, I find myself reflecting on this past week; the things I saw, the things I heard, the things I experienced, the way I feel. So many feels.

The first feel is fear. I'm afraid of this virus. I'm fearful for my friends, my family, my coworkers, my community. I worry about the people who aren't social distancing, potentially spreading the virus and dragging this whole pandemic out. I worry about the small businesses in town, who have been either shuttered or relying solely on takeout since this all started. How does a restaurant even plan for something like this? How do they know what to order? Most of the places that I've gotten takeout from are still offering their full menu, rather than a reduced menu of crowd favorites, which is what I had assumed would happen. Flagstaff is a town that thrives not only on the support of locals, but on a pretty robust tourist industry, which today is a thing of the recent past. It's weird to drive into work without traffic. And yes, we do have our own weird traffic pattern here, where sitting for 5 minutes infuriates me to the point that I wonder how I ever lived anywhere with actual traffic. My commute to work used to take me anywhere from 15 minutes to a half hour, depending on traffic. Since the Stay at Home order my commutes are consistently under 15 minutes every time, even while taking into account a few random construction zones. It's unsettling driving through town, seeing businesses closed, parking lots empty, outdoor patios deserted, no people out and about downtown.

The second feel is longing. I miss hugs. I miss getting together with my friends. I miss feeling safe and secure in my interactions with strangers, giving them a wide berth if not avoiding them all together. I miss happy hours and coffee dates, yoga classes and walks in the woods with friends and their dogs. I miss going out for bleary post-night-shift drinks and/or breakfast with my coworkers. I miss being able to pop into a store to grab all manner of non-essentials, wasting time window shopping, browsing, touching all the fabrics and drooling over the bikes. All the interactions that I took for granted have left a void of weird loneliness behind. I think what makes it different, and less lonely than previous bouts of loneliness, is that I know that everyone else is going through this too. I'm less alone in this situation than I'll probably ever be in any situation from here on out, yet here I sit alone.

The third feel is trepidation. Where do we go from here? How bad is this going to get? How many people are going to die? First-hand accounts and things I've heard from peers are terrifying. I'm completely convinced that the death toll and total infected from this virus are completely under-reported. Mortuaries are full of bodies, buildings are being repurposed to make space for more patients, patients are doubling up on life-support equipment. The hospitals are running short on personal protective equipment (PPE) for their healthcare workers. Some hospitals are already out and are reusing everything that they can, putting their staff at risk of contracting the virus and the illness that goes along with it. Hearing reports that around 88% of patients who end up on a ventilator will die. Knowing that these patients are dying alone because hospitals have banned visitors for the vast majority of patients, and the rest of the patients who get visitors are greatly restricted. I heard that Colorado has started specifically selecting patients with severe pre-existing conditions from being eligible for the ventilator at all, choosing instead to save their ventilators for patients who might have a better chance of recovery. Who will enact measures like that next? As healthcare providers, we are trained to try to save everyone, and if we can't save everyone, at least try to keep them comfortable and give them a good death. The virus has turned all of that upside down. A death on a ventilator is not a good death. A death gasping for air is not a good death. A death alone is not a good death for those who are left behind. The fact of the matter is, and I have to keep reminding myself of this, is that not everyone dies. Actually, there are more people who are recovering than there are dying, but it's hard to keep that in perspective when all you hear about on the news is how many have died. The recovered patients are also greatly under-reported; due to inadequate testing, there's probably a large portion of the population who has been either exposed or infected by this virus, and have recovered at home and will never make it into the count. I need to focus on the recovery numbers, give myself some hope.

The fourth feel is hope. Despite everything, there is still this little seed of hope growing within me, knowing that we're going to be okay. That as human beings, we'll get through this and hopefully we'll be better because of it. I hope that we learn to appreciate our interactions with others, that we don't take friends, family, coworkers, and friendly strangers for granted. I hope that we continue to help, to protect, to interact, to support each other long after this virus has faded into obscurity. I hope this virus does, in fact, fade into obscurity, and that this is just one more thing that we as the human race can tell tales about someday.

The fifth feel is gratitude. The outpouring of support that I personally have felt during all this has been amazing. Friends I haven't heard from in years are checking in with me, asking how I'm doing and making sure that I'm okay. I've FaceTimed more in the past few weeks that I have in my entire life previously (if you haven't gotten a call yet, please know that I'm getting there...this type of interaction is both foreign and exhausting!). Last night at work members from one of the local vision offices in town brought food for all of us, and this has been happening frequently by local businesses in the past few weeks. I can't thank them enough for thinking of us, providing for us, taking time out of their days and money out of their pockets to let us know that they appreciate us being there, ready to take care of whomever comes through the doors of our hospital.

I guess that's it for now. I've been keeping myself busy by reading books, going for walks, playing with the dogs, napping, eating (for real though, when people joke about "gaining the COVID 19", it's like the fear of the Freshman 15 at college all over again, but this time my metabolism is definitely not up to the task, and my will power has wandered away, never to return...I'm doomed). In the week ahead I'm hoping to try out a new recipe or two; so many of my favorite food bloggers are posting recipes using mostly pantry staples, and I'm intrigued by this. I also happen to have a pretty stocked pantry, so we'll see what I come up with. I'm also planning to reupholster the headliner to the camper van with some fun fabric I got at IKEA, and hopefully start filling some of the bracings with isolation. Simon has the subfloor almost completely done, and the wiring is all hooked up and ready to go. Next we'll put in the laminate flooring and then start insulating the sides and putting up the walls. Things are happening! Admittedly slower than we would like, but at the moment we've got no where else to be, so taking our time isn't that much of an inconvenience these days.

Be well my friends. And wash your hands. :)

Staying at Home

As if any of us need to read one more thing related to the Coronavirus, but here it is anyway.

Like most of you, I've been struggling with this whole social distancing thing. As a relatively social person used to somewhat routine social interactions, I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate this. One way that my social distancing differs from others is that, as a nurse, I'm still working my usual shifts at the hospital. So when I see people online who are stuck inside with their children and their significant others, knocking out all those projects that they've been putting off for who knows how long because they suddenly have unlimited free time, I feel a pull to do the same. But the thing is, while still working, I don't actually have any additional time off; my days off are the same days off that I've always had. So in a way, I guess my social distancing isn't all that different from what I was doing before, I just don't get to see my friends, go to yoga, have a coffee date, hug people, etc.

Inspired by all of you at home who can't work, I've been trying to be productive...or more productive than I typically would be. One thing I read online about being productive while stuck at home is that you should always put on real pants. Don't sit around all day in your pajamas. It sounds funny, but wearing real pants can really change your mindset. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at the computer desk in my bathrobe and my fuzzy house boots, and I made the decision to put on some pants. Make an effort. And not only make an effort, but make an effort that I wouldn't normally make. That meant leggings and all manner of pajama-esque pants were out. So I went to my closet and I found a pair of pants that I hadn't worn in a long time. Navy trousers, to be exact. So I put those on and found my bumble bee sweater and that's what I wore. I went back to my desk and I paid all the bills (sob). Then I got down the box of house documents that I've been stashing away, and I organized all the important documents related to buying the house, instruction manuals for all the appliances, past utility bills, documents related to the septic system, and the refinance paperwork. I laid all of it out, organized what I could, and set aside a pile of things that aren't important and could be burned in the wood stove. I then changed the sheets on the bed and did a couple loads of laundry. I should point out that I had worked the night before and had only been awake since around 1:30 in the afternoon, so this was a relatively productive afternoon for a first day off. In the evening Simon, our roommate Eli, and I watched Pan's Labyrinth.

One thing I've been missing so incredibly much are my yoga classes at Yoga Revolution. I miss being in that toasty room on my mat, surrounded by my peers, being led through a flow by some of the best yoga teachers (in my opinion) in the city. I miss that space. It's funny how being forced to stay home should provide me all sorts of time to myself, but that yoga studio was time to myself on a whole different level. This morning I set up my mat and I tuned into one of my studio's live-streaming classes. One, I was shocked at how much flexibility I've lost since going into isolation. Two, I never realized how much cleavage my tank tops reveal when I'm in anything but a standing pose...sorry guys! I had no idea! Hahaha!! Three, while definitely not the same vibe as being in the studio, I actually found the live-streaming to be really beneficial; I'm glad that I finally participated and I'm sorry that it took so long for me to do so. Truthfully, now that the studio might be offering live-streaming in addition to in-person classes once the shut-down is lifted, I'm hoping to maybe up my class participation...one in-person, one at home, per day. I know I don't live that far from town, but sometimes two trips into town on the same day feels like too much. Four, I was able to stay in crow pose for 5 whole seconds! I've literally been working on that pose for over a year now (probably more like two years if I'm being totally honest...I'm a slow learner and scared of bashing my face on the floor!), and something this morning finally just clicked. Thanks Lucy for all the encouragement, and for reminding me to keep my head up and my gaze forward...that made all the difference! For any of you interested in Yoga Revolution's live-streaming classes (of course I highly recommend this studio for all things yoga), head over to the Mind Body app and sign up. There are all kinds of packages that you can purchase, including new yogi packages with unlimited classes for one low price for the first month.

Today has been a pretty productive day, if I do say so myself. I got up and live-streamed the yoga class, Cooper lying next to me on his pet bed for moral support. Then I showered and put on real pants. After that I did a mini-fashion show for Simon of all the bike gear that I bought for a big group ride that we're doing this summer...sooo much spandex...hahaha! 450+ miles across the state of Iowa, which will by far and away be the longest bike ride that I've ever done. I did a 100 mile mountain bike ride last spring, and this upcoming ride will be on the road. I'm hoping that I don't die. I probably won't, but you never know. After the fashion show we had lunch and then we went into town to get a few things at Target. After Target we finally moved the light hanging over the dining room table to a better location. We've pretty much been putting off that menial task since we moved in. Now, no more weird shadows based on what side of the table you're on, and the light is actually higher up on the chain so that it illuminates a bigger area. Pretty much a win-win, not sure why we waited so long. It's just one of those things that gets overlooked by other things. And now here I am, working on a blog. It's been a good day. Hopefully we'll end it by having another movie night, which I've been enjoying a lot.

I've been trying to get outside every day. In February I re-injured the meniscus tear in my right knee, and about a month or so ago I managed to give myself some form of elbow tendonitis in my right elbow whilst riding my bike. So the right side of my body these days is for shit. Luckily Mountainaire is nicely paved and there's a 3-mile out-and-back walk that I can do to get in some easy mileage. A couple days ago I went on a hike with my friend Tiffany and her dog Jud, and my knee did fine with that, although some of the step-downs felt a little unsteady. I'm trying to keep active as much as I can, as staying inside all the time with seemingly nothing to do can lead to lots of boredom snacking. It's been nice sitting here at the computer, watching all the neighbors go by with their kids and their dogs. We see so many people outside now; this whole social distancing has been really good for that. It also helps that today is a nice day.

One thing that's saddened me a little bit about all of this is that the romantic idea of "Live and Let Live" is probably not possible, mostly based upon the hoarding of resources in the past few weeks. The hoarding situation is off the chain, and without limits set by the stores, they would absolutely continue. It's really quite sad, to be honest. On our Target trip today, we managed to nab a box of Kleenex (limit one per person) and some laundry detergent (limit 8 per person, which is kind of absurd...who needs 8 bottles of laundry detergent?). I was a little disgusted as I scanned the empty shelves for some laundry sanitizer, not because I feel the need to sanitize my laundry from coronavirus, but because it helps get the funk out of my athletic wear; only to get to the check-out and see the lady in front of me had 4 bottles of it. Seriously, leave some for the rest of us, why don't you? How much laundry is she really going to be doing in the coming weeks? Is she going to bathe in it? To be honest, I don't know her situation, but I was irritated by the fact that she basically bought out the store of that one particular item. Toilet paper is still no where to be found. I feel bad for the people who legitimately ran out of things during all of this and are now scrambling just to find enough to get by. I've been resisting the urge to stock up on things and join the masses hoarding supplies. Maybe I'll be the one lamenting my lack of prepping as this all drags on, but I'm hoping that it doesn't come to that. I feel like as Americans, our access to resources is better than we know, and all this resource hoarding is causing a false sense of hysteria that doesn't need to be there. We're good...we all just need to take a deep breath (6 feet away from the nearest human...hahaha!), share our resources, be kind, and wait this out.

To be absolutely fair, there are a lot of people who are doing good and volunteering and donating goods and services, and while this forced social isolation has brought out some of the bad (and let's be honest, it was always there), I'm happy to say that it's also brought out a lot of the good. I know so many people (myself included) who are supporting local restaurants by getting take-out, shopping local stores' online sites, and promoting the fact that these businesses are open to all their friends and coworkers. Simon and I have made a tradition of doing Sunday all-day happy hour at Karma Sushi, and this stay-at-home measure hasn't kept us from that...we just eat it at home now.

As far as work goes, it's scary. I'll be the first to admit that I was pretty lax at the beginning when it came to social distancing. I was flippant about how contagious it was, about how it was seemingly mostly affecting older adults with pre-existing conditions, which meant that as a healthy 40 year-old, there was little for me to personally be concerned about. I no longer feel that way and I'm taking this as serious as I can. I've taken care of a couple patients with this coronavirus, and they are incredibly sick individuals. The best way I can describe it is it's like the flu, but worse. Some of them, maybe a lot of them, end up on ventilators. Some of them die. Not all of them are old. My point in bringing this up is that if you don't have access to anyone who works in healthcare or who has seen this population firsthand, please take this seriously. Given the lack of testing in this country, we have no idea the real spread of this virus, we have no idea the number of people actually infected; people can have it and have little to no symptoms, but are still very contagious. Err on the side of caution and just assume everyone with whom you come into contact might have it. Think what you want about our President, I think his push to open the country and lift restrictions as soon as possible is a huge mistake with very real consequences for those we know and love. This isn't something where we can pick a day to just wish it away and hope for the best. We need to learn from what worked in other countries who had it first: stay home and stay away from other people as much as possible. Protect each other by staying away from each other. Wash your hands! These are literally the very best things we can do for each other and for our country. If you are an older adult in the 60+ range, please please take advantage of store hours servicing older adults. I was in Sedona the other day at a grocery store in the middle of the day and outside of the small children, I was one of the youngest people in a very busy and very packed store. I was appalled and concerned for all those older adults shopping, particularly the frail looking ones. Please stay home.

On a lighter note (and in closing), work on the van has been slow to non-existent lately. The weather has been cold and wet and we were waiting on some more electrical components to come in. Fortunately we were able to cut a hole in the roof and install the ventilation fan before all this weather rolled in. That was crazy to watch! I'll hopefully be getting around to posting photos on Facebook soon. We now have all the electrical and will hopefully be installing some, if not all of it, on Tuesday. Then we can really get after the insulation and start putting in the floor, walls, and ceiling. Building the bed platform and a storage shelving unit will come after that, and then it's putting the creature comforts where we want them. We were able to score a couple cabinets from the scratch and dent section at IKEA, which was huge. I bought some fabric and will try my hand at reupholstering the headliner; hopefully that won't be a complete disaster. If all goes well we'll be ready to start camping out of it by early summer, maybe sooner! It's been interesting doing this ourselves, and to be honest, Simon and his friends have been doing all the work; I've mostly been the person in charge of purchasing all the stuff and picking out the colors. Apparently to build a van it takes a village...who knew??

I hope this little update finds you and yours happy and healthy. I hope you're trying new things to keep you entertained, be it a new recipe, a new game, a new puzzle, a new exercise regimen, or a new book...or all of the above! Stay safe, stay well, my friends.

Meet Kiki Dee

Back in January of this year, I started fostering a sweet little cattle dog named Kiki Dee. Well, one thing led to another, and suddenly we found ourselves adopting her. Adopting a foster dog is known as a 'foster fail,' because the overall goal of fostering is to keep an animal with you until it's well enough or ready to go to its forever home. The foster home ideally is not the forever home, for multiple reasons. Adopting a dog you're fostering takes up the place of what could be an opening for another foster dog. Apparently I'm really bad at fostering, since the last two dogs I've fostered I've ended up adopting.

So sad and timid on her first day with us

Here's a little back story on Kiki Dee. Kiki was found roaming around the desert on the Navajo reservation with her 8 puppies. She was originally swept up by a puppy rescue that goes out to the local reservations on a regular basis looking for puppies. The reservations out here are rough places to be a dog, particularly a puppy. There's very little access to food or water, it's hot, there are lots of other animals fighting for resources, and there are so so many dogs. Too many dogs.

Pouting in the kitchen on her first day with us

I remember when we first moved out to Flagstaff, people would comment about how amazing their rez dogs were...that's what people call dogs obtained from the reservation...rez dogs. They're about any combination off mutt you could imagine, the vast majority being medium-sized and looking like either shepherd mixes or cattle dog mixes. When I asked about how one goes about getting a rez dog, most often the response was, "you just go out there and get one...they're everywhere. If they don't have a collar on, they're fair game." Which to me with my Midwestern mindset, sounded like stealing. What I later learned is that most dogs roaming around out on the reservation don't necessarily belong to anyone in particular. Most of the time if a dog does belong to someone, it has a collar on, but this isn't a hard and fast rule. Knowing my luck, I'd find myself out on the reservation stealing a dog that actually belonged to someone and having to answer to the reservation cops about it; that's a situation I'd really rather avoid.

My fuzz butts!

It is true though, that there are dogs everywhere out there. Every time we drive through the reservation, there are always multiple dogs loitering around at the gas stations, digging through the trash, many of which are obviously nursing puppies, judging by their swollen mammaries (sorry, I don't know what those are called on a dog...teats? udders?). Some of them would approach us, but most of them keep their distance. There's also a fair number of them lying dead along the side of the road, which always makes me so sad. Kiki and her pups were some of the lucky ones, fortunate enough to be spotted and taken up by the puppy rescue.

Kiki on the day she was picked up by the puppy rescue

The pictures of Kiki on her day of rescue are heart breaking...she's emaciated, all her ribs are showing, she has an obvious deformity to her left hind leg, and she's got scars all over her face. I can't imagine the number of times she had to defend herself or her puppies to receive all those scars. It's hard to say how old she is, how many litters she'd had prior to this one, how long she'd been alone, and if she had ever belonged to anyone. Given her incredibly sweet demeanor, I'd have to think that she'd at least had some contact with humans, but it's hard to say. Perhaps she was just a good-natured dog and a mix of breeds that are drawn towards people. Or maybe she's just very trusting. So she and her puppies got picked up by the puppy rescue, where they were then transported to a holding area prior to being brought to Flagstaff. There were 21 puppies total in one pen, along with Kiki, so she took it upon herself to nurse all of them. Super mom alert! The puppy rescue then contacted the Arizona Cattle Dog Rescue, which operates out of Flagstaff, and Kiki started her journey to being adopted into her forever home.

Kiki and some of the 21 puppies

Kiki was taken in with another cattle dog, a red heeler that they named Elton John. For those who don't know, (I didn't) Kiki Dee was a singer who sang "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" with Elton John. Since Kiki and Elton entered the rescue at the same time, it makes sense that they were named as they were. Having worked in a busy animal rescue in the past, it can be quite challenging to come up with new and interesting names for the dogs coming through. Litters of puppies typically have names that all start with the same letter, or are named after national parks, after famous actors and actresses, or after streets or restaurants in the town they were found. It keeps them from all having the same name, really, as inspiration can sometimes run low when you've got a high volume of intakes. My first rescue/foster fail was named Lady P, the P being for Plainview, which is the town in Minnesota where she was found. I eventually took to calling her Ladybird, and that name fit her quite well. Most of the time, it's quite easy to change a dog's name, especially if they're in a traditional shelter and not a foster home, as shelter dogs don't have as much one-on-one human interactions where you're saying their name over and over again. Even a foster dog's name can be easy to change. I elected to keep Kiki's name because she already responded to it, and because I thought it was kind of cute. It also met the requirements of a double-syllable word that ends with the "ee" sound, which I've read is the ideal combination for a dog name.

Cooper and Kiki...not quite a cuddle

When we first got Kiki as a foster, she had recently had surgery to repair her dislocated hip on her left hind leg. Unfortunately the joint was unable to be salvaged, as it had been dislocated for too long with too much damage, so an FHO (femoral head ostectomy) was performed. An FHO is the removal of the femoral head and neck; this removes the ball of the ball-and-socket joint, leaving just an empty socket. The muscles of the leg will initially hold the femur in place and over time, scar tissue will form between the hip socket and the femur to provide cushioning that is referred to as a 'false joint.' Although this joint is anatomically very different from a normal hip joint, it provides her pain-free mobility. She was undergoing physical therapy once a week to strengthen the false joint when she came to us. When we first got her, she would occasionally run around on three legs, holding up her left rear leg when she wanted to get somewhere quickly. I'm not sure if it was still painful from the surgery or if it felt weird to her and she didn't trust it. She definitely had a pretty obvious sashay when we first got her, but if you were to see her now, not knowing about the modified joint, it would be difficult to tell that there is anything different about her at all. She moves normally, although every now and then there's a hitch in her step that you wouldn't see in a dog with two normal hip joints. The hip definitely does slow her down sometimes, and she does better on hikes across flat ground where she doesn't have to jump up on rocks or do technical traverses. Despite all that, she's always ready and willing to get outside for a trek in the woods or a jaunt around the neighborhood. 

Trekking with Simon last winter

I can't quite say enough about how much Kiki has been a positive addition to our lives. It's interesting to me how sweet and trusting Kiki is, given the very real possibility that her interactions with humans prior to being picked up by the rescue had been limited at best, if at all. She loves all manner of humans, including children, and pretty much all animals. I trust her completely around anyone. She has a pretty decent prey drive, however, with squirrels being her primary obsession. I don't know that she would kill a squirrel given the chance that she was actually able to catch one, and I'm glad I haven't yet had to have that experience. When we go out for walks in the woods, it's hard for me to break her focus when she's on the trail of a squirrel or any other ground dwelling creature. It's something that we're still working on, as she'll take off and be out of sight, completely ignoring my attempts to call her back. It's not a safe situation for her to be so singularly focused, as she might get too far away from me and become lost, she might encounter an animal who doesn't appreciate her curiosity, or even get herself into an unsafe situation with another human or animal who might feel threatened by her presence. I was particularly concerned on a couple occasions when she took off after some deer in the woods, knowing that most of the time deer will run and can very easily outrun her, but if in a situation where they feel the need to defend themselves or their babies, deer will absolutely stomp a dog to death, as will domestic livestock, which I'm sure she would also be happy to chase if given the opportunity. We did have her around my cousin's horses once and she paid them little mind, but if they had started to run the situation might have been different.

Too cool for school

She's an incredibly goofy and quirky dog, and given the fact that she's definitely got cattle dog in her, that doesn't come as a surprise. Cattle dogs are quite quirky, and typically bond with one person and one person only. Sometimes they'll bond with an entire family, but they usually bond with one family member more strongly than the others. Kiki has definitely bonded strongly with both Simon and I, but Simon is the person that is her primary bond. She doesn't herd us around the house too much, which some cattle dogs will do, but she does nip at our lower legs and thighs when she's excited or trying to get our attention. Every now and then she gets me in the back of the arm...it's funny how good she is at using those tiny little front teeth of hers, and that she's gentle enough to not hurt me, but assertive enough to apply just enough pressure to relay her intentions. She adorably does the cattle dog lean, at times leaning so forcefully that she nearly tips either herself or one of us over. For a cattle dog, I find Kiki to be incredibly social, as she wants to greet and interact with every person and animal she comes into contact with. Most cattle dogs I see are very aloof when it comes to interacting with anyone who isn't their person, and most of them I've encountered haven't exactly been dog friendly either. I'm glad that she's social, as I think aloof dogs can sometimes make people feel uncomfortable, particularly if they're not familiar with the personality traits of cattle dog breeds. She's incredibly playful, and while she's still a little awkward playing with our friends' dogs, she still tries. She loves her squeaky toys, but will only play with them in the house, although she tries to carry them outside and leave them out there all the time. Not sure what that's about. The cutest thing ever is when she snuggles and sleeps with her toys. It just melts my heart to see this dog that no one wanted, resting so comfortably in a home with her toys and people who love her.

Snuggling with her toy

When we first got her, I wasn't too sure about allowing her in our bed, since for the past few years we've just had Cooper in the bed, and sometimes, despite his size, he gets in the way, hogs the blankets, etc. For the first week or so after we got Kiki, she would come into the bedroom but wouldn't come up on the bed. She would peer over the edge of it at us, willing us to get out of the bed and interact with her. Truth be told, I love having dogs in the bed with me. As long as I can remember, I've always had dogs in my bed. Simon would rather have no dogs in the bed; in fact, he would honestly prefer that we not have any dogs at all, not because he doesn't like them but because they complicate our lifestyle. Dogs are such an important part of my life and are so good for my mental and emotional well-being, and he's accepted that, which I appreciate. I adore having Kiki in the bed. She's such a snuggler, and she loves cuddling in between us, snuggling against Simon while reaching out a paw to rest on me; she even grips with her toes, giving me a gentle squeeze. She loves physical interaction, and I love that about her. My pug Brie was a champion snuggler, and I've missed having a snuggly dog, as Cooper doesn't care to snuggle, preferring proximity but not touching. Sometimes Kiki and I will lay in bed together, she with her head on Simon's pillow, and just look at each other while I pet her. I know that makes me sound like a crazy dog lady (owning it), but I just love and appreciate her so much.

Holding hands in bed

It's still so amazing to me that a dog who had been so neglected can be so sweet. I can touch her anywhere, including her paws, which most dogs loathe; it just goes to show the trust she has in us by allowing us to touch her face, her tail, her ears, her belly, and her feet. She sits calmly and quietly while I trim her nails, something I've never been able to do with any of my other dogs. It's been interesting to see the progression of her confidence and trust versus the progression of my previous cattle dog, Lady. Lady had clearly been not just neglected, but also abused, and most definitely by a man. In the beginning she would try to hide from men, and if she felt cornered or not able to get away, she would get defensive. She nipped my brother Mike the first day I brought her home. Not hard enough to break the skin, but enough to let him know that she was not comfortable with him being near her. It took quite a while for Lady to be okay with men, and I think having her in my family home for the summer between my junior and senior years of college with frequent exposure to my dad and both my brothers started her on the path towards trusting men. Durning my senior year of college, I lived with 5 other girls, most of whom had boyfriends who visited quite regularly, who were all very kind and patient with her. Those interactions further encouraged her trust of men, and by the end of my first year with her, I'd say she was pretty trusting of most men, even those she hadn't met before. Kiki has had a much easier adjustment to becoming a member of our family, but I'm thankful that I had those experiences with Lady to give me some experience on welcoming a rescued pet into our home.

Beer:30 on the Humphreys Peak trail

Almost a year ago now, Kiki came to us very timid, shy, and little bit broken. Fast forward to now and it's like she's always been here. Even the grumpy old man has accepted the fact that she's here to stay, although he still keeps his interactions with her to a minimum. She fits in perfectly and I'm so incredibly thankful to have her in my life. She makes me happy everyday, and I can't imagine our home without her.

One of my favorite photos of her from last winter

Final thoughts: People choose their pets for all sorts of reasons, and while I'm not a rescue elitest, I do feel adopting an unwanted pet such a great way to go, even if there is a specific breed you're looking for. There are so many breed-specific rescues out there, with most of their dogs (even puppies!) in foster homes getting love, attention, care and training. Saving a life adds another dimension of love to your relationship with your dog, and it's almost as if they know they've been rescued.

This is 40

This is 40

A couple of weeks ago, I turned 40. It wasn't scary, it wasn't traumatizing, it wasn't invigorating...truth be told, it felt like just another day. Society has taught me that 40 is supposed to be monumental in some way, but I just didn't feel it. However, given that society expects some sort of reaction to entering this decade, I'll take the time to write a little bit about what turning 40 feels like for me.

My birthday was actually very low key. My friend Ellen, her husband Fred and their two very adorable girls flew out from Minnesota to spend my birthday weekend in Flagstaff. The first night they were here, my birthday, pretty much everyone was in bed by 7:30pm...hahaha! We then spent a couple days here in Flagstaff, and ended the trip with a day in Jerome. We made birthday cupcakes and just enjoyed each others' company. It was a great visit and a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

Jerome with my wonderful friend, Ellen

 My birthday was a far cry from those Over The Hill parties that I remember my parents and their friends throwing for each other when they started taking turns turning 40. I remember black balloons and streamers, cupcakes with tombstones on them, cards with statements about being one foot in the grave, jokes abounded about the birthday girl or guy being so elderly he or she needed a walker or should start wearing adult diapers. I know people whose age has been a sore spot in the mirror for several years now. They don't like the fact that they're aging, they don't like the way their new age feels both on paper and in their joints, and I just have to wonder at the response they would have to a party thrown for them with tombstones everywhere. Some of them I know for a fact would not be amused, and might even be devastated. I'm not sensitive about my age and I don't know if I'd necessarily appreciate a party like that, but I think I'd be able to find the humor in it. I wonder if my parents or their friends were hurt or upset by the Over The Hill parties. I never thought to ask as I was making jokes about them remembering what it was like to live amongst the dinosaurs.

The thing is, I don't feel like 40 is old at all. I think it's entirely possible that some of my best years are yet to come. My 30's were far better than my 20's, and I'm hoping that my 40's follow that same pattern. Although I can't help but wonder...does being 40 make me middle-aged? Because that kind of sounds old, but 40 is halfway to 80 and I think 80 is a more than an acceptable age to check out of this life, so maybe I am middle aged, but I still don't feel old. I feel like there's so much left of this life to do and see and explore, and given the steps I've taken with my lifestyle and my finances, I'm in a perfect position to pursue those things.

In Alaska with Lindsey, Holly, Mike, and Simon

Despite the wisdom, financial stability, and personal acceptance and well-being that comes with age, there definitely are some drawbacks to aging, I won't deny that. However, I'm taking it head on and one day at a time. Here are some things I've been up to as of late...

How I'm feeling: I continue to gain weight. Having been consistently the same weight for so many years, this is a frustration that I feel a little inept to handle. Let's be honest, I don't really eat all that well, but I'm not a glutton either, and the fact of the matter is that over the years, my diet hasn't really changed all that much. Truthfully, I eat far better now than I used to a decade ago when I was downing Doritos like they were supplements and eating cheese like it was life-giving food from the gods (it isn't?). I need to understand that as I age, my metabolism and hormones are affecting my weight more than they used to, and I need to somehow account for that, but I don't know how. Maybe not eating ice cream at 10pm and then going to bed immediately afterward would be a start...hahaha! Luckily I'm not alone in this regard, as many of my friends are having the same issues as they age. A couple years back, late in the evening on New Year's Eve, a friend texted me "I'm so fucking fat." I wasn't quite sure what to make of it, and I questioned whether or not the text had actually been for me, as there was no preface or followup to it. Not wanting to be a jerk in the event that the text had, in fact, been for me, I responded with kind words of support. I heard nothing back that night and we haven't spoken of it since, and that's all right. Sometimes we have those weak moments where we just need to reach out, air our grievances, and never speak of them again. I get it. I'm there.

Staying informed: I read the news every morning and listen to NPR in the car. Granted, these are not bad things, but they're not exactly fun things either. I struggle to find the balance between wanting to be informed and being absolutely overwhelmed and disgusted by the information I'm given. Sometimes I take a break from all the crap coming out of Washington DC and scroll though a few Buzzfeed articles featuring cat videos or funny things children say. I'm also a huge fan of Tasty videos...I could watch those for hours while internally lamenting the fact that there is no one here to make the recipes and then feed them to me. Keeping my news intake light helps to keep it a little more real, and to let me know that life isn't as bad as the Huffington Post might make it seem (to be honest, Huff Post isn't a reliable source of information for me, it was just the first that came to mind).

Wine tasting with cute babies...a current hobby

What I'm watching: I am in bed by 9pm most nights, and that's typically a late night. Exceptions to this are when I'm elbows deep into an HBO or Netflix series; I can stay awake for hours watching those. While not typically a TV person, there's something about a well-done series that sucks me in every time. I just finished Season 2 of West World and have determined that I need to watch the entire season again, because that series is just too complicated to grasp on one viewing alone. I also watched Season 3 of Stranger Things and cried during the last episode...damn you, Hopper. As a guilty pleasure I also finished Season 3 of Divorce, starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Thomas Hayden Church, two actors I greatly admire, and a subject matter that is all too common these days: finding balance in blended households and dealing with all the emotional fallout that comes with the end of a relationship while still attempting to remain civil for the sake of the children. I think it's decently well done, although this is coming from me, who has neither been divorced nor has children, so take that with a grain of salt. Simon and I have just started His Dark Materials, which is a series adaptation of the Golden Compass books. I enjoyed the books and actually really liked the movie that they had made starring Daniel Craig (swoon); I was disappointed that they didn't continue the books as movies, but so far the series seems to be really well done and is expanding on the books in a way a feature length movie never could.

What I'm reading: I am currently reading a book called Flushed, which was given to me by a friend whose book choices always inspire me. Flushed is all about the history of plumbing starting thousands of years BC up until modern times. The book makes the very accurate point that plumbing is truly what separates the haves from the have nots, given that access to freshwater and reliable removal of wastewater can be the difference between life and death. It's actually a very fascinating read, and it's written with the right amount of humor to keep it interesting. Fun fact: the lead poisoning that caused the demise of the Roman Empire wasn't the lead pipes for plumbing, it was the fact that they were using lead as a sweetener, because apparently lead is sweet, which is also why modern day children eat the paint chips of lead-based paint. Interesting, eh? It's amazing to me the amount of nonfiction I read these days. I still enjoy Stephen King and I just finished The Handmaid's Tale, but I've started to alternate fictional books with non-fictional books. Bonus points given for a really good historical fiction book...those are my favorites.

What I'm wearing: The advent of athleisure (athletic wear worn in a leisure setting) has been about the best thing ever for me this past decade. Although lately I've been less inclined to be a walking billboard for Lululemon; I've been trying to change things up a bit. A friend of mine was recently completely shocked and surprised to see me in jeans. In fact, she commented that she's never seen me in jeans, and we've known each other for over 7 year now. Don't get me wrong, I love my Lululemon and I love the fact that I can gain weight and those high waisted leggings just tuck it all away as if it's not even there, but I don't feel the need to always look like I just came from the gym or the yoga studio (although, if we're to be honest, if you see me out and about, that's usually where I've just come from or will shortly be heading to). I am also enthralled by thrifting. I love that I can add a significant amount of name-brand and unique variety to my wardrobe by spending very little money, particularly if I shop half-priced days at Savers (every Monday) or Goodwill (every other Saturday). To supplement my thrifting, I hold quarterly Naked Lady Parties. What is a Naked Lady Party, you ask? Well, I get together with a bunch of my girlfriends, and we bring all our unwanted clothing and accessories, and have a clothing exchange whilst drinking wine and eating snacks. Free wardrobe additions, camaraderie, and lots of laughs. Some of my favorite wardrobe pieces are those I have pilfered from my Naked Lady Parties. One time my friend Andrew showed up, tried on a cardigan, dropped off his baby, and left. Never a dull moment.

Adventuring in Washington with Jim, Jess, and baby Raegan

Where I'm going: I don't have too many trips on the horizon. Truth be told I'm taking a much-needed break from traveling, which is good for me. It's nice to be home. I recently reorganized the kitchen and bathroom cupboards, trying to make the space more efficient, and I think I did a pretty good job of that. I like organizing things, and the cupboards were something that have needed to be addressed for some time but with so much coming and going over the past few months I couldn't be bothered to tackle it. I have one trip coming up before the end of the year, and I'm super excited about it. I'm going to Seattle in December with a bunch of ladies and we're going to see Brandi Carlile in concert with the Seattle Symphony Orchestra, something I've been wanting to do for years. We have one more ticket available if anyone wants to join, hit me up if you're interested! After Seattle there are some potential trips, including but not limited to: Whistler in February, Alaska in the spring, Florida in the spring, Hawaii in March, Phoenix in March (happening), Utah in April, Alaska in July (happening if my time off gets approved), Boston in July, and Minnesota in August (as per usual). I'm sure more potential adventures will pop up in the meantime, but for now I'm just enjoying being home with Simon and my dogs, enjoying my friends here in Flagstaff.

The old man

My dogs: Cooper continues to age, and while it's incredibly sad to think about his imminent demise, I'm prepared for it. I've had 15 wonderful years with him and I'm thankful for each and every one. He still makes me laugh everyday, and his favorite things are still going to bed, napping, and carrots. He is currently pestering me as I write and is refusing to lay in the pet bed that I intentionally placed next to my desk for him; most likely he is wanting me to go lay in bed with him or sit on the couch with him, although he doesn't actually want to snuggle, he just wants me to be in the bed or on the couch near him, but not touching. All in good time little buddy, all in good time. If I were to stand up right now he would inevitably hobble as quickly as possible down the hallway towards the bedroom, making his true intentions crystal clear: it is always bedtime. Always. Kiki continues to be an absolute delight, and I'm so incredibly grateful that she wandered into our lives. She is the sweetest, most wonderful, most caring dog I think I've ever met. She loves nothing more than a walk in the woods or a ride in the car (even though she sometimes pukes in the car...we're working on that). She, unlike Cooper, loves to snuggle. Unfortunately she prefers to snuggle with Simon over me, but when he's not available she's all mine. I've actually started a blog all about her...that'll be coming soon. Truth...I just got up and Cooper ran down the hallway and into the bedroom. So predictable. He's now standing next to my desk again, staring with his tail down, refusing to lie down in his bed that is mere inches from where he's standing. A day in the life, indeed.

A look ahead: Good friends, good food, good beer, good times. That's about all I could wish for myself. That and a camper van, a gas stove, a kitchen island, and a snowy winter so I can continue to slowly get better at skiing. All good things