2018 Recap

Dang, it's been a slow year here for the blog posts, which isn't to say that nothing really happened in 2018...quite the opposite, really.  If you recall, I started out 2018 with a list of Betterments for myself, and I was doing all right up until about March, which isn't nothing, but it's nothing to brag about either.

One of the biggest accomplishments of 2018 was that Simon and I purchased our first home together. It's monumental really, given Simon's intense aversion to debt (but it's good debt, right??). It's a cute little log cabin in the neighborhood of Mountainaire, which is right outside Flagstaff. It's 1,100 square feet of pure cuteness, and has been such a great space for us to be. It's perched at the top of a rather precarious hill, but contrary to my initial reservations with a 2 wheel-drive vehicle, has been easy enough to get to the top of in inclement winter weather. It's got a great outdoor space, and the previous owners did a great job of setting us up with some very minimal and easy to manage landscaping. I was so excited to see a patch of irises come up this spring in the front yard. One of my favorite things about the cabin is the woodstove...it's so warm and cozy and has made winter that much more bearable. I'm still working on my fire-starting skills, which are hindered by the fact that I'm too lazy to cut kindling and try to start whole logs on fire using nothing but paper. Luckily Simon usually gets out of bed before me so he starts the majority of the fires (with kindling, because he likes any opportunity to use his hatchet). Needless to say, we love our new place and it was the perfect change that we needed after living and renting in Flagstaff for five and a half years. I guess this means we're staying here for a while. :)

Another big change for us in 2018 was selling our beloved but problematic camper van, BAVerly. She was a heartbreak kid, let me tell you. We learned several things during our two years with her, namely the most important one being that we will never, ever, ever, ever own a Mercedes ever again, nor will we ever recommend one to any of our friends. Say what you want about the reliability of luxury automobile manufacturers, when they start going downhill, they go fast and they take your savings account with them. We did have a lot of fun with her and she gave us some really cool experiences while she was with us, but her reliability had become sketchy at best and I wasn't sad in the least to see her go. We also traded in our Jeep for a minivan, an idea that was spearheaded by Simon, believe it or not. I was shocked, to be honest, as I've been joking for years about how we should get a minivan because they are the perfect multi-purpose vehicle. After having the minivan for most of 2018, we can definitely say that's absolutely true. From camping to road trips to Home Depot runs to gathering firewood to hauling carloads of friends, there's very little that this van can't do. Granted, it's not an exciting vehicle, but it gets the job done and we're pretty pleased with it.

In the spring of this year I fell in love with a Surly Moonlander, which is a fat bike, otherwise known as a snowbike to those who are disdainful of the very existence of fat bikes. To simplify matters, a fat bike is just a regular bike with really big tires. They can roll through mud, sand, and snow like a breeze, and can roll over just about anything that gets in their path. And oh my goodness how fun they are to ride. I think it's all the bouncing from those massive tires. Maybe some people don't like bouncing, but I get a kick out of it...hahaha! I don't think I've had this much fun on a bike since I was a little kid. I literally giggle and have a permanent smile on my face the whole time I'm riding. When I was still living in town, I commuted everywhere on that bike, and even though it loses speed pretty quickly on hills, I didn't care a bit because it was so much fun. As an aside, those big tires make so much noise that it sounds like a jet taking off...I love the sound of them! If you haven't ridden one, I highly recommend it!

Spring also marked the crash and burn of one of my very closest friendships (also a roommate) here in Flagstaff, and it's something that I'm still working through. I never thought at 38 years old that I would be having epic friendship fall outs, and thus found myself completely unprepared for the mental and emotional struggles that it presented. Being a relatively open, fair, compromising person, I was also unprepared for the struggles of living with a person who is not. At one point towards the end of things I attempted to have a meaningful conversation with this friend, and rather than being reciprocal in my approach, she proceeded to unload 18 months worth of harbored resentments on me in one fell swoop, the majority of which I was hearing for the very first time, reducing us to a screaming disaster that went on for hours. Those of you who know me best and have had the misfortune of seeing me at my worst know that even at my very worst, I'm not a screamer. That just isn't the way I resolve conflicts, but it's the way this person resolves her conflicts. I was ashamed and angry and incredibly frustrated that she was able to bring me down to her level, and for a long time I blamed myself entirely for that. I tried very hard to resolve things, to change my behavior so as not to upset her, but eventually I realized that I was giving 110% and getting nothing in return but more negativity. My friendship with her was also negatively affecting my relationships with those around me. I was surly, I was depressed, I was withdrawn, and I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. I escalated immediately to the smallest of infractions, and held onto that anger for far longer than was necessary. I would lay in bed with the covers over my head waiting for her to leave the house, wondering all the while what I had done to deserve to be treated so poorly. I knew that the friendship had to go when Simon approached me and told me that my efforts to salvage the friendship were negatively affecting our marriage. I had been putting so much mental and emotional energy into saving the friendship that I had nothing left for anyone else. So I let it go. I wish it were actually that simple, but in a nutshell, and with a little help, that's what I did.

Which brings me to another new facet of 2018. I went to counseling for the first time. In the process of letting go of the toxic friendship, I had a lot of unresolved anger, frustration, guilt, and anxiety. Anger over the way I was treated, frustration at my response to it, guilt over giving up on the friendship, and anxiety about seeing this person out and about and not knowing what my reaction to her might be. Truth be told, I was afraid that my anger and frustration would cause me to unpredictably say or do something that I might regret, and that's the last thing that I wanted. At my first session, I explained why I was there and what I hoped to gain from seeking therapy. Let's be honest, it was a lot of "she did this" and "she said that" and a complete recapping of everything about her and our interactions that had made me so upset and angry. What surprised me the most is that the therapist didn't comment much on my retelling of my woes about my failed friendship, but instead shifted the focus of my energy into looking inward at myself and at what makes me a good person deserving of love, affection, and friendship; in turn she helped me to recognize the qualities of individuals who are deserving of those things from me, and to distinguish them from those who are not. She also gave me some tools for bringing myself back down during an escalation, and helped me to divert some of that negative energy and anger into something more positive. Overall, it was really good, and actually the techniques used and the changes that were made were very simple. It just goes to show that you don't know what you don't know, and that admitting you need help is the first step in helping yourself out.

Here's a little tidbit that I struggled with in regards to therapy. I lost a friendship and was having a hard time dealing with it. There was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "You're 38 years old and a friendship went belly up. Poor you. As if that's a legitimate problem compared to other problems in the world." I almost talked myself out of therapy over those thoughts. But here's the thing...it's my life, and I want to live my best life, and not knowing how to deal with my anger was having a very real and very negative affect on my attempt at living my best life. So yes, while falling out of a friendship isn't the same as being abused, or having a mental illness, or an addiction, my happiness and my well-being were very much affected by my emotional state. Our reality is our reality, and it's up to us to seek out the tools to make our lives as good as they can possibly be. If that means seeking out therapy for issues both big and small, that's what it means. I would also like to Northern Arizona Healthcare for providing therapy sessions through our Employee Assistance Program. Had I been responsible for paying for the therapy sessions myself, I probably would have put off going longer than I had, or I wouldn't have gone at all.

You know the best part about all of this? The blossoming of all the friendships that have come about with the demise of the toxic one. I hadn't realized how much of myself I had been withholding from other people until that one person who had been consuming all my energy was suddenly gone from my life. It was a total 'can't the see the forest for the trees' kind of realization, and it felt so incredibly good to not only have seemingly endless amounts of energy to give to people, but to be open to receive it in return.   

So I've been mentioning energy a lot, and I think that stems from another new facet of 2018 for me. I started going to yoga. I'd been dabbling in yoga for years and just never really liked it. There was always an excuse for that...I didn't like the instructor, I didn't like the space, I was physically incapable of getting into some of the poses, it didn't feel like a workout the way going to the gym did, the meditation portion seemed stupid and there were so many other things I could have been doing while I was just lying there on the floor breathing. Some of you are nodding along with me because I know you've had the same experience with yoga. I think what turned things around for me was finding a studio that I liked, and most importantly, finding an instructor that I liked. As with anything challenging, having the right support makes all the difference. I go to Yoga Revolution here in Flagstaff. Not going to lie, prior to their studio opening, they ran a strong Instagram campaign. I couldn't log in without seeing one of their promotional ads, featuring either a distinguished looking tattooed bearded man in Buddy Holly glasses (Dave), or a tall skinny blonde woman with pink streaks in her hair wearing cowboy boots and a blissful smile on her face (Staci). I was intrigued. So I went. First off, the space really speaks to me on a personal level. They keep the lights low, they have candles burning at the front of the room, and best of all, it's heated (but not too hot) by these wonderful heaters in the ceiling that give off a warm, comforting glow. I think for me, I needed to separate myself from the idea that yoga is a workout in the traditional sense, and this dark, warm, comfy space allows me to do that. Yoga definitely is a workout, but it's so much more than that. At the beginning, I really struggled both mentally and physically, which was to be expected. My flexibility was almost non-existent, and my attention span waxed and waned, and yes, for those first few sessions, I was definitely making a grocery list in my head during the mediation portion at the end of class, but I kept going, and I kept telling myself (with inspiration from Staci), that I had no where else to be, that this hour of yoga was just for me, and that most of all, I deserved this time for myself. Believe it or not, it worked. I'd be sitting there on my mat at the beginning of class, bombarded by thoughts of what else I could be doing, what I needed to be doing, grocery lists, errands to run, bills to pay, places to go, worries about everything from family to friends to finances, anxieties about personal interactions, misgivings about going to work that evening; after a while I was able to push all that away and just focus on the fact that I had an hour to myself to stretch and breathe and move and share a space with people who were doing the exact same thing. In a word, two words really, it was life changing. I am so thankful to Yoga Revolution and their fantastic line-up of instructors who inspire me, who gently guide me along, who encourage me, and who give me the time and the space to do something good for myself. I don't know that I'll ever be able to do a handstand or the splits (maybe something to add to Betterments 2019?), but I'm okay with that, and most of all, I'm not disappointed by that. In the words of Staci, 'You do you,' and everything else is extra.

Simon and I took so many trips in 2018 that there are almost too many to list, but I'll do it anyway. Key West, Hawaii, New Orleans, Death Valley National Park, Oklahoma City, Telluride (twice), Minnesota (three times), Rocky Mountain National Park, Grand Canyon North Rim (twice), Grand Canyon South Rim (twice), Minnesota State Fair, and Joshua Tree National Park. I ran a bunch of races again this year, including: Key West Half Marathon, New Orleans Best Damn Race half marathon, Brian Michelson 10k, Rocky Mountain National Park half marathon and 5k, Imogene Pass Run, and Joshua Tree National Park half marathon. Simon and I also did our longest backpacking hike to date: 39 miles over three days on the Arizona Trail just east of Phoenix. We got to see so many of our friends and family who live near and far, and we've had several people come visit us in our new home. I got to see my friends Tara and Heather graduate from nursing school; we saw some of our favorite bands at the Orpheum here in town, including Cold War Kids and Trampled by Turtles; I learned how to make candles and how to crochet, two things I am not good at but had fun trying; I spent a lot of time at the ski hill trying to get better and mostly succeeding; I did some mountain biking and have mostly determined that it's probably not the sport for me; I attended two wine and paint nights and while my painting skills are nothing to write home about, it was a lot of fun; we went snow biking for the first time on New Year's Eve, which was an absolute blast.

The @alicepicklebottoms account on Instagram continues to flourish. I think it's funny that an entire account devoted to people taking pictures with their pants down continues to draw interest, but I'm thankful for it as well as that account has given me plenty of giggles along the way. I'm impressed by the number of people who willingly play along and send me their mooning pictures from all over the world. United by butts. Who knew??

 All in all, 2018 was a pretty great year with lots of learning, fun trips, great friends, and it set us up nicely for so many things to look forward to in the coming year. Keep on the lookout for my 2019 Betterments post, coming soon!

   

The Rescue Blues

It's the wee hours of the morning, and I can't sleep.

It's 1am and I have a sweet little cattle dog sitting next to me, nudging my forearm every now and again for pets.  Her name is Alice, renamed from her original name of Buckie, that she was given by the humane society here in Flagstaff. I felt like Buckie sounded too much like a boy name, and that she deserved something a little more dignified and befitting to her ladylike demeanor. I also think that human names for animals are hilarious, and given that Alice would most likely have been my first choice had I had a little human girl of my own, I figured giving the name to a dog was fitting.

There wasn't much backstory for Alice. She was a stray that was brought in to the humane society. She has a docked tail and wasn't spayed, and could quite possibly have been a breeder, as I'm pretty sure she's a pure-bred Blue Heeler. A Texas Spotted, according to the gal at the boarding kennel we had her housed at for a few days while we were out of town. She knows how to sit, and does it readily and happily, particularly if she thinks you might be harboring a treat somewhere on your person. And even if you don't, she will still run right up to you and sit anyway. She seems incredibly intelligent and very eager to please. I'm pretty sure my roommate was almost 90% successful in training her to rollover in just a few attempts. I set up a crate and she immediately went into it and laid down. This dog had to have belonged to someone at some point; how she ended up at the humane society, I guess we'll never know. She has a funny little chuffing cough and doesn't seem to be able to bark, despite all appearances that she's trying. She's absolutely beautiful, with a speckled grey coat and a smattering of white across her nose. She has one solid little black spot on her short little nub of a tail, which always seems to be wagging and wiggling. She's definitely got that intense heeler personality, and made her rounds last evening when the three of us in the house happened to be in separate rooms. She's quick moving, but also readily relaxes once she's ascertained that everything is as it should be. She's a little jumpy, which I think is to be expected given her breed and her recent situation at the shelter, and isn't a huge fan of having her paws touched. Upon entering the house, she went to every window and popped up to look out to see what there was to see. She does the heeler lean, slumping into your legs while being petted, staring adoringly into your eyes, begging you to never stop.

She really didn't pay too much attention to Cooper, nor he to her. She met my neighbor and coworker Steff, who happened to be out on a walk with her little boy and was totally rocking a new pixie cut. She went right up to the little guy, game him a sniff, and reveled in his affections. Alice seems to really like Simon quite a bit, following him from place to place like a little shadow. Ironic, really, given that he doesn't like dogs all that much but tolerates me having them because he knows they make me happy. 

Last night Alice attacked Cooper. I had just given her her nightly antibiotic pill. Looking back, it was incredibly stupid on my part to have given her that in front of him, as he immediately followed her to investigate what tasty nibble she had gotten. She gave all the warning signs for him to back off...bared her teeth, growled low in her throat, and held her head low over the remains of the peanut butter treat I had hidden the pill in. Cooper is deaf and mostly blind, and whether he picked up on her signs or not, she didn't give him time to deliberate and was on him in a second. I was maybe three feet away at the time, seeing what was coming but powerless to stop it. It happened so incredibly fast, and it took three of us to pull her off of him. There was a moment there where I thought that not only was she going to bite my roommate, who fearlessly and immediately jumped right into the middle of it, but that she was going to kill my little dog right there in front of me.

Earlier this spring I saw my neighbor's pug mauled nearly to death by a roving neighborhood dog. I was, and still am, incredibly traumatized by bearing witness to that. Luckily the little pug survived, but just barely. Over the years I've caught plenty of nature shows, and have seen just how brutal animals can be to each other, but it was always through a screen; there was always a degree of separation that didn't prepare me for seeing something brutally mauled right in front of my face. Everything I felt that day came rushing back to me in an instant as I cuddled Cooper on the couch afterwards, looking him over from head to toe to make sure that he was okay. Given how brutal the attack appeared to me, Cooper seemed rather nonplussed, and was his usual resistant self when all I wanted was for him to sit on my lap and give me comfort. Funny that, he's the one who gets attacked and I'm the one needing to be comforted. I felt so terrible about the whole thing that I was physically nauseated and couldn't bear to eat, despite the fact that my roommate had made some pretty amazing macaroni and cheese in the Instant Pot. If you know me at all, you know I don't miss a meal for anything, and I never skip the opportunity to eat mac and cheese.

I know that there are dog psychologists and trainers, and that she probably just needs more time, and that there's so much to learn about resource guarding and adding another member to the pack, but I just can't stand the thought that she might someday really hurt or even kill my little buddy, or that she might hurt one of us as we try to keep her from hurting him. The fact that she attacked him makes me wonder how she'll be with other dogs. They told me at the shelter that she was good with other dogs, but how could they really know? Having worked in a shelter in the past, I know that the shelter environment is no place to gauge an animal's personality. I should have spent more time with her before comitting to the adoption. I should have slept on it. I should have listened to Simon's hesitations.

There's a big part of me that feels like I'm not trying hard enough, that this is just another example of me rushing into a decision without the proper forethought and planning, which has become such a predictable and classic character flaw for me. I feel like such a failure. It wasn't fair of me to have trusted her so implicitly so soon. This is all relatively new for her...we're new, Cooper is new, the house is new...she's experiencing everything with us for the first time, just as we are with her. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm in way over my head, and I feel like the longer I wait, the more opportunity and inevitability there is for her to hurt Cooper. I have little doubt in my mind that she will attack him again, most likely over something food related. The thought of feeding them in the morning is now terrifying. I certainly can't trust them alone, and after the attack I won't let Cooper out of my sight for even a second. I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep her. I don't know how I would live with myself knowing that I brought this other dog into the house who hurt my loyal little companion of 14 years. He doesn't deserve that, he didn't ask for it, and I think given the choice, he'd be perfectly content to remain an only dog for whatever time he has left here with us. 

So I'm sitting up tonight with this beautiful little girl while she sleeps all curled up in a pet bed next to me, softly snoring and sighing. I feel like I owe her that much and probably more, knowing that this coming morning will be our last day together, that I will be returning her to the shelter from which she came, in the hopes that maybe she'll be a fantastic dog for a different family. Maybe if I didn't have Cooper, things would be different. But I do have him, and I will continue to have him, and it's not right or fair for me to compromise his safety on a whim. I really wanted this to work out so badly, I was so excited to have an adventure dog, but I guess maybe this just isn't the right time, and maybe she's just not the right dog. But this is Flagstaff, everyone goes nuts over their heelers in this town, and I know she'll be a great addition to someone else's pack. I wish she could have been for ours.

Gratitudes

I'd just like to take a moment to thank all the people who have recently had such a positive impact on my life. These past few months have been tough for me, as I had been dealing with a relationship in my personal life that had been making me incredibly stressed and unhappy. For the most part, I did the best I could to try to make the best of it, to change it where I could, to try to find understanding, and to just get through it with the majority of my sanity intact. I didn't realize until recently how much this relationship was affecting pretty much all aspects of my life. I was withdrawn, I was sad, I was angry, I was frustrated, and I was incredibly negative. I was also upset with myself for letting this relationship affect me the way that it did. I have always considered myself to be a strong person, to shrug off negativity, and to move on when things had played themselves out, but this situation was different, and it was something that I hadn't dealt with before.

It took me a while to realize how sad, lonely, and depressed I was feeling, and how those feelings were taking over my life. Let's be honest...we all have sad, lonely days, and they're definitely not something that most of us post about on Facebook or Instagram, but the reality of the situation is that they happen to each and every one of us, and sometimes we've got the right tools to deal with them, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're comfortable reaching out and asking for help, and sometimes we're not. Sometimes we just lay in bed with the covers over our heads and hope that somehow, magically, our negative situations will just work themselves out. Sometimes we don't even realize how sad we are until our situation dramatically changes.

I've always been a strong proponent of the idea that if there's something about your life that you don't like, then do everything you can to change it. Sounds simple enough, but the fact of the matter is that change isn't easy, and sometimes it takes a significant amount of time and energy for it come about. There are sacrifices, compromises, and losses along the way that all play a factor, and sometimes their merit isn't always obvious amongst the struggles. I've learned that if a relationship is worth saving, sometimes there are hard conversations that need to be had, and there is a certain amount of mutual respect, patience, and compromise that needs to be present in order for those conversations to be successful. Winning an argument is not the same thing as standing up for yourself, and it's really important that both parties understand that, or nothing will change and the negativity will endure. Sometimes those relationships get to the point where they are no longer salvageable, and it becomes time to walk away, difficult as that may be.  

About a month ago Simon and I moved into our new house, and since then, everything has changed for the better. I'm not saying that in order to positively change their situation a person needs to empty their savings account, buy a little cabin in the pines, and move to a neighborhood that offers little more than a tiny general store and a tavern, but apparently it was the change that I so desperately needed. I feel like this move and this house were a welcome and important reset button for me. 

So in no particular order, here are my gratitudes to all of you who have brought recent happiness into my life. Please understand that your kindness, regardless of how small or insignificant you might find it to be, made a world of difference to me, and I'm hoping that from here on out I'm able to do the same for you and for others.

Thanks to Nick for letting me tag along on your fire tower adventures, and for slowing down your pace for me since I would otherwise not be able to keep up.

Thanks to my brother Mikey for the Minnesota care package...the Top the Tator, Old Dutch potato chips, and Surly are such a welcome little taste of home.

Thanks to my cousin Brian for letting me know that you were in the area so we could hang out, catch up, and share some fantastic margaritas at Elote.

Thanks to Sonia, Ggrant, Cedar, and Aspen for coming to our house and having dinner with us. Also a special thanks to Aspen for feeling comfortable to enough to poop in our potty...that was an incredible compliment! Also, that fruit salad? To die for!

Thanks to the staff at the Mountainaire Tavern. Despite the fact that most of you are Packer fans, you've been nothing but kind to us every time that we've been in, even after you found out that we hail from Minnesota.

Thanks to Becky and Brenda for being such amazing and understanding landlords, and for accommodating and supporting us as we purchased our home months prior to the end of our lease.

Thanks to Ryan for organizing the night bike ride at Wupatki on the almost-full moon...that was such an amazing experience with amazing people, and I can't wait to do it again.

Thanks to Surly for making the Moonlander, and to Mick at for SMR for getting me such an incredible deal on it. I've never had so much fun on a bike.

Thanks to Summer for suffering through your first bootcamp class with me. I wish I could say that it gets easier (it doesn't), but it'll definitely start to feel better!

Thanks to Ellen for being there, always. I feel like a friendship like ours is rare, and I hope you know how much I cherish our time together, even when it's something as simple as just sending Happy Birthday balloons back and forth over text.

Thanks to Amy for being Amy. Your positivity and silliness are so incredibly admirable, and I love that about you. Also, you have fantastic taste in sweaters.

Thanks to Kate for being my nemesis. You know deep down you've got a special place in my heart.

Thanks to Lindsey for coming out to ride bikes, for being up for just about anything, and for showing us the wonder that is Priest Draw, which has been in our backyard this whole time.

Thanks to my brother Chris for calling and talking to me on the phone, despite the fact that you hate talking on the phone.

Thanks to Steven, Becki, and Alisa for such a smooth transition into our new house. We love our little log cabin so much!

Thanks to Emily for being our very first house guest, and for giving me some good advice on hiking in the Grand Canyon.

Thanks to Kaitlyn for sending me pictures of you on your wedding day. I was so bummed that it didn't work out for me to come home for it, but you still made me feel like I was a part of your special day.

Thanks to Nick for helping us move into our new home...your muscles and your positive attitude are everything.

Thanks to Charlotte for being such a great listener, and for changing the subject when it needed to be changed. Your perception, your understanding, and your patience are so valuable.

Thanks to my parents for giving me such a passion for road trips, a sense of adventure, some solid common sense, and excitement about minivans. I'm looking forward to seeing you again in July! 

Thanks to Jan and Thomas for lending a hand, offering advice, trying out new recipes on us, putting up with my camping black cloud, and for being the best surrogate parents we could ever ask for. Thanks also for the beautiful chairs...they are our favorite pieces of furniture.

Thanks to Deb for the generous gift for our new home. We can't wait for you to come visit!

Thanks to Shasta for inviting me to the Naked Lady Party...aka, the clothing exchange where I scored some sweet Frye boots, a beautiful turquoise ring, and got to enjoy the company of some really fantastic women.

Thanks to Staci at Yoga Revolution for providing some of the best yoga classes I've ever attended (with the most amazing playlists!), and for just letting me sit in child's pose when everyone else is doing handstands because I'm still too scared to try...I'll get there someday!!

Thanks to my aunts, uncles, and cousins for our wonderful, albeit short, time together in Oklahoma City over Memorial Day weekend. I miss our big gatherings so much.

Thanks to Kelly for being my rock, for being a great walking buddy, for always being willing to listen to me, for matching me in decibel levels, and for not judging when those IPAs catch up with me, as they frequently do.

Thanks to Andy for being such an amazing presence at work, and for talking me into going out for pancakes after a night in the trenches. I look forward to more adventures and maybe a ritual sacrifice as part of our initiation into the e-bike gang.

Thanks to Dana for reaching out to me when you were sad. Sometimes shared sadness makes things better, if only for a little bit. I miss you a lot, and I hope that we get to travel somewhere fun together this year.

Thanks to Tisha, Chris, James, and Madison for the camping trip at Marshal Lake...I enjoyed that so much, and can't wait for more camping adventures and walk-abouts with your kiddos. 

Thanks to Staus and Sarah for your laughs, the bike rides, the board games, your incredible kindness, and for fostering a new and wonderful friendship.

Thanks to Cooper for the giggles, the reluctant snuggles, the constant zeal for napping, the comforting snores, the ever present companionship, the awkward leaping when being picked up, and the unconditional love.

Thanks to Joan for the coffee, the peppers, and for the wonderful conversation.

Thanks to Heather for being such a wonderful Capstone student! You're going to be a fantastic nurse, and the Ortho unit is lucky to have you...although I'm still hoping that we can find a way to steal you away from them.

Thanks to Dana and Eric for being two of the most interesting and wonderful people we've met in a long time. We're looking forward to following along on your Canadian adventures, and hope to see you next summer and maybe share a plate of poutine and talk about bats. 

Thanks to David and Denice for being two of the best people I know. Your relationship with each other is one that I've always admired, respected, and aspired to. I love the random check-ins and the pictures of your kiddos. I'm also really looking forward to David's mustache at our race this summer.

Thanks to Franko for always being just a text or a phone call away. You're one of my oldest and best friends, and I think about you often and miss you more.

Thanks to Jen and Scott for always making time for us despite being two of the busiest people we know. And thanks for always shedding light on the world of Marvel and DC, multiverses that I can barely comprehend but still very much enjoy.

Thanks to Jesse for always being such a goofy bastard. Just the sight of you sauntering around the cafeteria in the middle of the night makes my day. Thanks also for the firepit...hopefully we'll get to use it this summer!

Thanks to Elizabeth for sending us one of our very first pieces of snail mail at our new address...your letters are always a welcome bit of sunshine.

Thanks to Travis for the whiskey and for making us a pit stop on your way from Gunnison to San Diego...it was so wonderful to catch up! Our driveway is your driveway, and I'm looking forward to visiting you in Colorado and maybe doing some fishing!

And last but certainly not least, thanks to Simon for always being the voice of reason, the source of the best hugs, for getting me out of the house, for supporting my ups and downs, and for making the best breakfasts. I don't know where I would go, who I would be, or what I would do without you. I think I truly would have completely lost my shit these past few months if not for you. I know it wasn't easy, and I'm so thankful for your patience, your guidance, and your rationality. I'm sorry I'm such an epic pain in the ass, but after 11 years you're still here with me, and I'm so grateful for that.

For everyone else, because I'm sure I've missed some gratitudes along the way, know that your presence, your smiles, your patience, your phone calls, texts, and letters, and your laughs were a bright light in a dark time, and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you.

January Betterments Recap

Well, January has come and gone and it's time to take stock of the Betterments. I can't say that I was 100% successful in obtaining all of them, but I did my best and here's where I stand as we head into February. Truth be told, I've got two windows open, one with the original blog and one with this new entry so that I can remember what my Betterments actually were...hahaha! Not to say that I don't remember what they were, but nine Betterments is a lot to keep track of, even for me. So here goes.

1. Reduce Spending: So this one was tough, given that in January I went to both Key West and Hawaii, both trips planned prior to the enactment of the Betterments. However, and I say this with some degree of confidence, I spent way less on both of those trips than I previously would have. I even added some of my expenditures from Key West and Hawaii to my expenditures log, and even with those expenses, I came up with about $305 of "incidental" expenses that were deemed unnecessary. For me, that's huge, because if there's one thing that I'm really good at, it's spending money on things I want but don't necessarily need. So what were my incidental expenditures? Well, I found two pairs of running shoes that I like on sale for $21.00 each...these shoes normally retail at $135 a pair and they are being discontinued, so I thought that was a legitimate expense, but not a necessary expense, so onto the list they went. I bought a souvenir t-shirt in Key West, and if there's anyone who does not need another t-shirt, it's me. I bought some random things at Target, I bought a disgusting hot chocolate up at Snowbowl, I ordered chicken tenders and fries at the bowling alley when I could have just eaten prior to going out, I bought some hand soap that was a discontinued winter scent because I love it so much, and there were a couple Starbucks purchases in there. I know it sounds nitpicky, and it could be argued that these expenses are pretty marginal, really, but it's the marginal expenses that nickel-and-dime people to death. I didn't have three $100 unnecessary expenditures, I had twelve unnecessary expenditures that ranged in price from $1.50 to $105.00. The whole point of keeping track of these expenditures, both big and small, is to remind myself to start spending differently, to start spending smartly, to get into my head what is necessary, and what is not.

2. Increase Savings/Start Investing: I knocked it out of the park on this one. While I didn't add to my investments, I did manage to squirrel away $2,000.00 into my savings account in the month of January. That's huge for me, as in previous months I was putting away at most, $500.00 a month, which isn't nothing, but by reducing my incidental expenditures, I was able to put a significant amount of money away for that down payment on a house that I'm going to be making in a few months. Or, you know, spending $700 to have my dog's teeth cleaned next month (is that an unnecessary incidental expenditure??).

3. Sell the Van: This is a work in progress. We've had a few bites and have a very interested party coming to look at it this weekend. Fingers crossed!

4. Commit to a Low-Carb Diet: Given the aforementioned trips from above, this one has been a bit of a struggle, but diet be damned if I thought I was going to go all the way to Key West and deny myself conch fritters, ice cream cones, and margaritas. While I might be up a couple pounds after these two trips, and I can't rationalize away the fact that I was pretty active on these trips while simultaneously shoving my face with all kinds of deliciousness, my dietary choices have been on my mind and truth be told, they have been driving some of the choices that I make when it comes to food. When I'm at work, I'm rock solid. I have all manner of little containers of meat and cheese, a low-carb entree of some description, bell pepper slices, apples with peanut butter, cherry tomatoes, and hard-boiled eggs. I don't vary too much from these particular foods as they satisfy my hunger cravings at night and don't leave me feeling nauseated, which is the case with a lot of foods that I used to gravitate towards in the middle of the night (ahem, chicken fingers in the cafeteria...I'm talking about you!). At the end of the day, I want to eat better, and I'm making an honest effort to do so, but I really love food, and when I'm traveling, part of the experience is trying out the local cuisine. So while I don't actually feel bad about the conch fritters, the ice cream cones, the poke bowl, or the margaritas, I'm making a point to not indulge too frequently in those things.

5. Drink Less Coffee: Again, I did really well with this one. I've been drinking a lot of tea and I rarely, if ever, add any sweetener to it. If I do add sweetener, it's usually a small amount of locally sourced honey. I've actually been looking for tea that has licorice root in it, as licorice root has a naturally sweet taste without the added sugar. A side effect of not drinking coffee much anymore is that I've kind of lost my taste for it. The last few times I've had coffee I've been decidedly underwhelmed by it unless it has copious amounts of cream, sugar, and/or chocolate in it. I also noticed that it upsets my stomach more now than it used to. The important thing is that I don't miss the coffee, which is something that I was worried about when I decided to start cutting it out, so that's been refreshing.

6. Exercise More: Also a work in progress. I've been pretty good about getting to the gym on the days that I'm available to do so, but two trips and night shift were some pretty significant barriers to this. I have a lot of workout equipment at home as far as weights and such, but I hate working out at home. We don't have an inspiring place in our home to workout, and we have two very curious dogs who like to investigate what I'm doing whilst in the middle of exercising, particularly if I'm on the floor for any reason. I had briefly thought about buying some of that gym mat stuff and making a little corner of the garage into a workout space, but there just isn't room, and who wants to work out in a garage anyway? Excuses, excuses...going for a run requires zero equipment...I keep telling myself that and still I don’t run. One change I'm making going forward is loosely scheduling my work shifts around my gym schedule, since I'm really good about going to classes when I'm not working. Given that I don't like to work 3 shifts in a row anymore, breaking them up in the interest of working out is a nice compromise.

7. Start My Own IVs at the Hospital: Crazy as it sounds, I haven't actually had a whole lot of opportunity for this. The last few patients I've had who needed new IV's requested that the vascular access team do it, rather than let me try. So yeah...not much to be done about that, but I'm still committed to starting IVs when I can and when the patient is willing.

8. Start Bike Commuting: Ha...haven't even started this yet. But I think about it...that counts, right? I just listed two of my bikes for sale on Craigslist this afternoon, so hopefully I'll get some bites and can put that money towards a nice commuter bike. It's still too cold out for my taste, even though it's unseasonably warm here in Flagstaff...hahaha!

9. Resume Writing in my Gratitude Journal: I've been really good about this, and I've been enjoying spending a few minutes each day to think about the things I'm grateful for, the positive energy I can manifest throughout my day, and thinking back on the things that went well that day. It's funny how just putting a positive spin on your thinking can improve your outlook exponentially. I have The 5 Minute Journal and I really like it. Check it out if you're looking to add some positivity to your day. :)

So there it is. My Betterments, my successes, and my shortcomings laid bare for all to see. I hope that you have been having as much luck or more with your own personal Betterments for this year. :)

New Year's Betterments

It's that time of year again when most people are thinking about their New Year's Resolutions. I've always hated the term 'resolution.' It's not all that pretty of a word to say, and it sounds so final, all or nothing, if you will. I've had it in my head that a resolution carries with it an inherent threat of failure.  I recently looked up the definition of resolution, and it doesn't quite mean what I thought it meant. It means "a firm decision to do or to not do something" or "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter." So rather than thinking of it as a noun (a thing which is or isn't), which I had previously done, it has a little bit more application as a verb. So now I get to think of Resolutions in a marginally better light, although I still don't like the sound of the word in general.

I came up with the word Betterments as a substitution, mostly because trying to be better at something resonates with me more so than the action of a Resolution. Tomato, tomahto. Regardless of what term I decide to use, the theory behind it and the action applied towards it pretty much remains the same.

This year I've come up with a small list of Betterments. It sounds a little daunting, really, stating that I have a list rather than just one area of betterment to focus on. The thing with this year is that all of my Betterments revolve around changes that I've already been trying to make, but just haven't fully committed to. Betterments in progress, you might say. 

1. Reduce spending. If you happened to read my previous blog, you already know this is probably going to be the most difficult Betterment for me to achieve. It's something that I've been working on here and there for years, with marginal success. The thing is, it's not so much the reducing of spending as it is finding contentment with the things I already have. I think this is most people's problem when it comes to reducing spending. The world we live in has us convinced that we need to keep up the Joneses in all facets of life, regardless of whether or not the Joneses happen to be living a similar life to us. Keeping up requires spending money on things we think we need, but might not fit our lifestyles. Another aspect of societal influence is that most everything is either disposable or replaceable. I hate this. I hate waste. I hate replacing things that I've already purchased. From Tupperware to underwear, I subconsciously keep track of my belongings to the point that I might seem overly materialistic. The fact of the matter is that I buy things for a reason, usually with some degree of thoughtfulness, and having to replace them is not only irritating, but it's taking money away from things that I would rather put money towards, like trips, a house, a savings account, etc. I'm making a list of all the things I'm not allowed to buy in the New Year, including, but not limited to: blankets, bars of soap, socks, national parks t-shirts, clothing of any kind (except necessities, and I'm to look at the Goodwill first), non-perishable foods (unless we run out of something, currently we're stocked for the apocalypse), bath products (until current supply is gone...again, apocalypse), shoes, dog treats (he doesn't eat them anyway, he much prefers apple and carrot scraps). So what does that leave? Not much, really. The truth is, there's really not much I need anyway, so hopefully if I can change my mindset, I'll manage to get by with the surplus of things I already have. 

2. Increase savings/start investing. Like a lot of people out there, I have an employer-sponsored retirement investment account. In lieu of a traditional pension plan, my employer matches any contributions I make up to 4%, so that's what I've been contributing. I also have a retirement account from a previous employer that I can't contribute to anymore, which continues to sit and slowly gain interest. In addition I have a Roth IRA that is connected to my credit card, and all my points go toward the IRA as incremental investments. I have multiple savings accounts set aside for different things (trips, rent, future college expenses, etc), all with automatic deposits set on a weekly basis. There's money stashed in other random places and accounts, and one of my Betterment goals for 2018 is to simplify all these accounts. Roll things together if I can. I've been reading the Mr. Money Mustache blog, and I think I'm ready to dive into the world of investing. Nothing crazy, and nothing too complicated, but something that I think is relatively safe and attainable. At 38 years old, I definitely haven't been as proactive as I should have been with my investments and preparing for my financial future, and most of all, my financial freedom. I'm in a perfect position at the moment to start saving a significant amount of money, given that I'm completely free of debt, I live very simply and cheaply, I have virtually no dependents (other than my elderly dog who costs me very little these days), and I have a job that pays well. I just need to get that spending under control.

3. Sell the van.  Oh the van...dear BAVerly. We've had our camper van for almost 2 years now, and while she's been a lot of fun and taken us to a lot of places, we're realizing that we went a little bit too big with our first van. We're realizing now that we could easily get by with something much more simple, and overall, much less expensive. However, it was a great (albeit expensive) learning experience, and we had a lot of fun along the way. Given the current market on camper vans, there's really no way we're going to get out of this without taking a loss, and we're as okay as we're going to get with that. Keeping the van is only costing us money at this point, and we figure that now is as good a time as any to get out and start putting our money elsewhere. We'll definitely miss her, as traveling in a high-top Sprinter with all the bells and whistles was an amazing treat, but it's just overkill at this point with our current goals. That's just how it goes sometimes. Now where did we stash that tent...

4. Commit to a low-carb diet. I really don't like the word diet. It implies that you're sacrificing foodstuffs that you like with the overall goal of being more healthy, but slightly more miserable in that you don't get to eat your favorite things. I've also found that you have to be careful who you say the word "diet" around, as people are oddly very easily offended by the food choices of others. I still don't understand that, and it baffles me. I'll never forget the uproar I caused amongst my friends and family some time ago when I had given up bacon. It was a dietary choice I was trying to better my health and well-being, and I was shocked at how upset people were about it. Why should it matter what I'm eating or not eating? I've found that it's almost easier just to not mention it at all. When making any dietary changes, I've always been very up front with people in telling them not to go out of their way for me, and if they're making dinner for me I'll eat whatever they're making because a) I love when people cook for me, b) I'm a social eater, and I'm not about to let my dietary goals get in the way of that, and c) I love trying new foods, even if they're not exactly part of my current meal plan. I'm really a very low-maintenance eater, even when trying to cut certain things out. So let's talk about what I'm going to be cutting out...hopefully no feelings will be hurt...hahaha! I'm going to try to significantly decrease or even eliminate complex carbs, better known as bread, pasta, tortillas, most grains, and some starchy veggies. I'm looking to also decrease the amount of processed sugar that I eat while still giving myself the option to eat fresh fruit. I've been trying to decrease the amount of sugar and carbs in my diet over the past few months, and truth be told, I don't really miss them. The holidays are always tough, of course, as there are more cakes, cookies, and treats both sweet and savory than I could shake a stick at, and of course I wanted to try a little bit of every single one. So I did, but rather than eating three of something I ate only one, or I just took a bite, or I shared with a friend. There are ways around all those indulgences without feeling deprived, even during the holidays. I was actually really good this summer when I ate a mostly whole-food diet. I ate meat, veggies, fruit, a sparing amount of dairy (mostly goat cheese), and minimal grains, mostly in the form of rice. I can't tell you enough how good it felt. I lost 8 pounds almost immediately, and these were pounds that I'd been carrying around for months and despite going to the gym, I just couldn't seem to lose them. I didn't have that after-dinner bloat, I had great energy, and dare I say my skin even cleared up. There's definitely a lot of truth in the correlation between what we eat and how we feel.  

5. Drink less coffee. Is there nothing sacred in this world?? Christ in a sidecar, first I give up bread, and now I'm giving up coffee. A little background on this one is probably in order. I'm one of those weird people who is unresponsive to caffeine. I can drink a huge cup of coffee and take a nap or sleep fitfully through the night immediately afterward. In fact, I've been noticing that after drinking coffee, I frequently feel more tired; I get that 10am exhaustion thing going on. I've also come to the realization that without copious amounts of cream and sugar, I don't actually like the taste of coffee all that much. I've also been noticing, whether it's related to the cream, the sugar, or the coffee itself, that I don't really feel all that well after drinking coffee...sometimes it gives me heartburn, sometimes it makes me nauseated. Sometimes it makes me have to pee five times in the span of an hour. I find myself wondering what exactly it is that I actually enjoy about coffee. So how does this bode for the creator of the High Altitude Coffee Club here in Flagstaff? Well, I'm clearly going to make exceptions for frou-frou coffee with friends, because I love the social aspect of conversing whilst holding a warm cup of sweet coffee. In the meantime, I'll drink tea. I've actually been drinking a cup of tea almost daily for the past week, and truth be told, I'm enjoying it. I need to drink more water anyway, so water in the form of tea seems like a suitable substitution to make.

6. Exercise more. Ha, the resolution that makes it onto 99% of American's lists this time of year. Gyms are waiving their initiation fees, the group classes are packed, Target has a plethora of exercise-inspired items in their discount section at the front of the store (not to be confused with the discounted holiday candy section at the back of the store)...on and on it goes. I would say I'm a relatively active person already, although I could definitely stand to add in some form of activity on a daily basis. Even something as simple as a 3-4 mile walk would get me outside, where I could feasibly enjoy the fresh air and see what's going on around the neighborhood or in the woods behind our place. I have a membership to the local YMCA, and while it's not the biggest or most well-appointed gym I've ever been to, it suits my needs at a fraction of the cost of most of the other gyms in town. I really enjoy the classes, which is the main reason that I go. I've been thinking about getting a punch-card to one of the local yoga gyms as well, and conveniently enough, there's one located within walking distance of where I live, so I could get in a walk and a yoga session all in the same outing. 

7. Start my own IVs at the hospital. I figure that while I'm at it, I might as well throw in a Betterment related to my profession in nursing. The other night, I started my first IV in probably over three years. I told my patient afterwards that I hadn't started an IV in three years, as I figured that telling him that beforehand might have resulted in a refusal...he still somehow managed to be impressed, and commented that he was happy to help. Unlike some hospitals, we don't have an IV team at the hospital at night, and while we do have one designated person in the hospital to help us out if we have an IV that we can't get ourselves, it is an expectation that floor nurses are to at least attempt to start IVs themselves before calling in backup. Over the past few years I have definitely inappropriately relied on them more than I should. It's almost to the point where I can see their disappointment when they show up, knowing that I'm completely capable of starting IVs myself. It's embarrassing for me as well. As a nurse, this is a basic skill, and I need to quit making excuses for why I don't try. The truth is, I don't like starting IVs. It's really about the only thing related to patient care that I actually loathe. It's something that I've never really been all that good at, it's painful for the patients, and it makes me feel like a failure when I miss. But, as a healthcare provider, I feel that I should at least start making more attempts at IVs, especially given that I function as a charge nurse from time to time, and helping out my staff with IVs frees them up to do other things. As of this typing, I'm 1:1 with successful IV starts. No where to go but up, right?

8. Start bike commuting. Given that Flagstaff is a smallish town and is very easily accessed by bike, Simon and I are planning to start riding our bikes more for our daily runarounds. This Betterment ties into a few of the aforementioned Betterments, namely saving money and exercising. This Betterment most likely won't be fully starting until spring, as I hate riding bike in the cold and snow. Not that we have snow yet, but it's definitely cold, at least in the mornings. Excuses, excuses. However, knowing myself and my weaknesses and my penchant for excuses related to weather, I think it's best to delay this Betterment to a time that will result in the best chance of success. So, springtime. Simon and I actually rode our bikes to a class the other day, it was about 4 miles one way and it was 32 degrees outside. I was not physically prepared for the ride or the weather. I was wearing pants that kept getting caught in the front cog, and rather than stopping to adjust the pants, I just kept angrily pulling them up for the entire ride. I also didn't have a suitable pair of gloves to wear that would keep my hands warm at that temperature. I have a pair of snowboarding mittens, but I have reservations about how well I'll be able to pull the brake with mittens, as I prefer to just use a finger or two for that. I guess it's all about adjustment. I haven't actually tried riding in mittens yet, but I will. Simon just bought me a fancy pair of puffy mittens that look like an updated version of choppers to wear while bike commuting, so hopefully those will work out. I don't really have a suitable commuter bike either. It could be argued that any bike can function as a commuter bike, but 2 of my 3 bikes don't have gears, and given the hills I have to ride up and down in this town, gears are kind of essential to my success. The geared bike is a full-suspension mountain bike, and while I love to ride it on trails, I don't really like riding it on the road. It's just not efficient. So I'm going to sell both my bikes that don't have gears and put that money towards a road-friendly commuter bike with gears. There goes my fixed-gear cred. ;) Obviously this Betterment will be a work in progress while I assemble the necessary gear, but like starting IVs on my patients, I really just need to start doing it.

9. Resume writing in my Gratitude Journal. Simon bought me a gratitude journal a couple years back when I was going through a rough period of shitty attitude. I really have no idea why, as life is and has been pretty good for me over the years. I think we just get in those funks where we feel sorry for ourselves and forget to remind ourselves about how good our lives really are. It's a simple little journal, and I basically write in it each and day and catalogue a few things that I'm grateful for, a couple things that would make the day great, and at the end of day, what went well and what I could have done to have made it even better. It doesn't leave whole lot of room to focus on the negative, and I think that's a good thing. Sometimes I look back through my traditional journals from years ago, and more often than not, I had written down things that were upsetting or frustrating, while neglecting to write down that things that were fun and exciting. My life is much more satisfying than it isn't, and I think a daily reminder of that first thing in the morning will hopefully get me and keep me on the right track for the rest of the day. 

Nine things to work on in the new year. Traditionally speaking, that's quite a lot, and there's a chance that not all these things will come to fruition like I hope. I think the main thing that'll get me off on the right foot is that I've already started doing most of these things, so incorporating them on a more consistent basis is the biggest change that I need to make. I know I can do it, and while I might come up short in some ways, at least I'm trying. I think that's the best we can do some days. Good luck with your Resolutions (or Betterments!) in the coming year, I wish you the utmost success! And if you need a little inspiration or motivation, let's meet up for coffee (or tea!) and chat about it. Sometimes an alternate perspective makes all the difference in the world. :)

Saving Money is Hard

Back in June, I significantly dropped my hours at work to have the ability to spend more time doing the things I like to do...camping, traveling, blogging, visiting with with friends, drinking lots of coffee, etc. I had made a promise to myself that I would change my spending habits to accommodate the smaller paychecks, and that overall has been a massive fail. It was such a big fail that I'm actually increasing my scheduled working hours again after the first of the year. Surprisingly enough, I'm actually okay with working more, much to the chagrin of my boss who asked me multiple times if I was absolutely sure I wanted to work more. I'm sure. Let's get this done, because working more is all part of my grand master betterment plan for 2018. :)

My overall problem with spending is this: I'm really good at shopping. Not to be confused with really enjoying shopping, because enjoying shopping doesn't necessarily drive my shopping habit; getting a good deal drives my shopping habit. I have this irrepressible urge to get a deal on things, which I think most people understand. It really doesn't matter what I'm buying or how badly I might want or need it; if I feel like I'm getting a good deal, I buy the thing without thinking twice about it. The buyer's remorse typically follows soon afterward, but I can usually console myself slightly by reminding myself that I got a good deal on a thing that I didn't need in the first place. My headspace is, at times, a very turbulent place to be.

Over the years I've had friends task me with finding things for them when they are short on time or interest because they know I'm good at it, there's a sick part of me that enjoys it, and that I'll take the time to do it. It gives me a sense of self worth to know that I saved money for myself or someone else. I can confidently say that I rarely, if ever, pay full price for anything, which comes in handy every now and again, but for the most part it actually ends up costing me more money in the long run because I'm getting deals on things that I don't actually need.

Another thing I need to work on is getting a hobby. An inexpensive hobby. I currently have a garage full of some relatively expensive toys that I just need to make a point to use more often. If there's one thing that I've amassed through all of this recreational shopping, it's a veritable arsenal of outdoor equipment. Kayaks, paddle boards, mountain bikes, snowshoes, a scooter, skis, a road bike (sort of...does a fixie count as a road bike?), hiking backpacks of all shapes and sizes and the camping gear to go with them, a camper van that is stuffed to the max with all of the amenities a glamper could ever want. I could probably go on, but now I just sound like a whiney, bored, entitled American. "I have all the things and I'm still not happy...wah." Truthfully, that's the conversation I need to get out of my head. I need to look at my things and be happy with what I've got. I need to go beyond just being happy with it and get my butt out of the house to use some of that stuff.

I also need to remind myself that every dollar spent on something I don't need is a dollar taken away from a down payment on a house (which Simon and I hope to have within the next year or so), a trip to somewhere fun (Iceland, Australia, New Zealand, and Ireland are high up on our lists right now, in addition to loads of travel in America), or let's be real, one of BAVerly's frequent trips to the mechanic for some stupid sensor or another (seriously, talk about a poor financial decision).

I've found (and research has shown) that social media drives a lot of these unnecessary wants and desires. We see all these things that people are doing and things that they have and places they go and we want to emulate that so badly. Not realizing, of course, that there are probably people out there looking at our pages and thinking the exact same thing. It's a culture of wanting, of buying, of convincing ourselves that we'll be happy if we could only have that one thing that the other person has, and then once we have that thing, we want the thing that another person has. It never ends.

A few months ago (prior to my decision that I needed to do something about this shopping problem of mine), I subscribed to the FabFitFun box (through an Instagram ad...doh!), meaning that I'll get 4 packages a year of random fitness, fashion, and wellness products. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Who doesn't like a box of random goodies delivered right to your door? Oh, and here's a sweetened deal...sign up for the yearly box and you get to have a say in some of the products that end up in it. What?? Get out of town...you mean I get to choose what unnecessary products I receive, knowing full well that I may never use them and might very well pass them off to some of my friends as gifts? What a fantastic idea! But wait, there's more! They have mid-season capsules where you can buy name-brand products at a fraction of the cost, and if you spend $15, you get free shipping! The free shipping gets me every time, dammit. These marketers man, they are so good at what they do. They've got my number and I'm on speed dial.

Can we talk about free shipping for a moment? What a marketing boon that has been. Seriously. I buy things just because the shipping is free. I add extra things to my cart to get to that magic free shipping number, because it feels like I'm just throwing my money away when I could replace the shipping cost with a jar of peanut butter or a set of markers or a pug themed pair of socks. So is the peanut butter free or is the shipping free? Do I even like that kind of peanut butter or was it the perfect price to put my cart mere cents over the free shipping mark? Tough to tell sometimes.

I have a plan that I'm hoping to implement after the first of the year, because we all know that the start of a new year is the very best time to roll out those life changes that we very easily could start any time that we want. But I digress...sometimes it's nice to have a buffer to prepare ourselves for the upcoming change. And let's be honest, with Christmas coming up, December isn't really the most opportune month to start a new financial plan, although there are some that might argue that it's the best time, because the desire to shop around the holidays is at an all-time high. But I'm taking baby steps, because this is a deep seeded habit that we're talking about here.  

As a first step in my new financial plan, I've unsubscribed from most of the promotional emails I get from some of my favorite stores. These stores make it far too easy for a deal junkie like me with their promotional coupons and their 'deals of the day' and their free shipping and their free samples. Did I need a rainbow colored down blanket? Absolutely not, but I had a coupon, a gift card, free shipping AND 5% cash back if I used that store's credit card for the purchase...what a great deal! Seriously, I have so many blankets. And you know the stupidest part about my blanket hoarding? I squirrel them away because I don't like getting dog hair on them. Heaven's to Betsy I have so many issues. So many issues. Moving on...www.Unroll.me has been a great resource in filtering out the emails I want from the ones that I don't. To be clear, I want all of them, but I'm at the point where I realize that my wants are definitely not a functional part of my desired reality and I need to just step away. Exit the burning building like a badass without looking back (but the blankets! The blankets are burning! Forget the blankets). I installed AdBlocker on each of my computers so I don't see ads for things that I had previously been searching for, or for whatever the bots think I might like. I mark ads on Instagram as 'not relevant' when they pop up during my scrolling. I'm very slowly and with marginal effectiveness removing advertisements from my life. It's actually quite difficult, living in a consumerist society and all.

As a second step, I'm going to keep track of all the incidental things that I purchase that are unnecessary. I'm going to create a note in my phone and I'm going to go over each receipt from places that I shop and I'm going to tally up all those impulse buys. I can tell you right now, it's not going to be pretty; I know myself and I know my shopping, and I know that I buy random shit just for the sake of buying something and fulfilling that sick sense of accomplishment that goes hand-in-hand with getting a good deal. My hope is that in making myself aware of all the money that I'm spending on things that I don't need, I'll start being a little more thoughtful about what I'm buying when I'm buying it.

I'll give an example. Recently I had gone down to Cottonwood to visit my parents who are staying in AZ for the next month. I had planned on staying overnight, and in my rush to get moving and my complete ineptitude at multi-tasking, I neglected to throw my toiletries in my bag. I ended up having to buy a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, and some random hair stuff. Basically, all the things that were in my toiletry kit. Now, it could be argued that I could have just used my parents' toiletries, which would be a really good argument. However, I like my things. I'm picky about the products that I use and I like my scents and my lotions, and given that I have eczema that appears whenever I try a new bath product, it's nice to stick with the things that I and my finicky skin are used to. So there's that (obviously, there were some mental gymnastics at play here...it was one night, for Pete's sake). It could also be argued that had I just taken 30 seconds to double-check my bag before running out the door, I would have realized that the toiletry kit was missing. I feel that this is the better argument, and it's also a precursor to where that thoughtful part of shopping comes in. It is also where taking a little extra time to make sure all my ducks are in a row comes into play. For the record, I've already made a change in that I keep my toiletry kit in my overnight bag, rather than under the sink in the bathroom, which is where it used to reside.

I know I keep using Christmas as an excuse for why I'm not being more proactive right now, and it's just that...an excuse. The consumerism is strong this time of year! There's also a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I should go out on Boxing Day (the day after Christmas) to capitalize on all the deals in preparation for the next holiday season. Been there, done that...not only does it save me a ton of money, but it also satisfies that part of me that likes to buy things for other people. I need to get over that too. The vast majority of the people I know and love are functional adults who buy what they want when they want it, and have very little wants or needs that would be satisfied in the form of a random Christmas gift from me. I think most of them would be thrilled to get a handwritten letter or a postcard just letting them know I'm thinking about them. So you've been warned...no Christmas gifts next year...hahaha! Maybe I'll finally get around to doing one of those photo Christmas cards that I've been talking about for the last 10 years or so. Maybe I'll prepare a meal and have friends over, as the company of those I care about is far more valuable than a bar or soap, a coffee mug, or a scented candle ever could be.

I was talking with Simon recently, and I made the comment that the house we live in could literally burn to the ground and the only thing I would care about losing is Cooper (and Simon, of course, but in my hypothetical situation there were no people in the house during the time of said burning down...I just didn't want you all to think I value my dog over my husband, although there are days...hahaha!). He was shocked by that. This is the man who when we lived in a house where there was an actual wildfire burning up the backyard, evacuated my drawers of Lululemon to the yard across the street because god forbid my expensive yoga wear go up in flames (He evacuated the pugs first, of course). And the thing is, back then, I would have cared about that. I couldn't be bothered to care now. I have so much of it that I could probably not do laundry for two months and still manage to wear something new every single day. I do everything in my Lululemon now, whereas before I would squirrel it away to keep it safe from rips, stains, dirt, cooking grease, and dog hair. Clothes are meant to be worn, and if I had compulsively spent that much money on them, I damn well better wear them until they're in tatters. So yeah...Simon and Cooper. They're my world. They are the irreplaceable parts of my life...the rest is just stuff.

And that's what it all comes down to. Stuff. I think about how we whine and cry here in America about all the things we don't have, all the opportunities we feel we're missing out on, our fixation on suing the shit out of anyone who looks at us funny or who may or may not have touched us inappropriately 30 years ago under ambiguous circumstances or mommy-shaming and helicopter parenting or how Starbucks is ruining Christmas or how we need self-driving cars in America because people are still far too stupid to quit texting and/or drinking and driving. The list goes on and on, marching out our mental boredom in this country. I think about our time in Thailand, and how a large majority of the people living there have almost nothing to their names. The amount of stuff we have here in America and the things we choose to fixate on are probably unfathomable to the average Thai person. I wonder what consumes their daily thoughts, what things they worry about, what plans they have for their futures. What are their wants, desires, perceived inadequacies? Most of the Thai people I met seemed to be pretty jovial people, and when I think about how the average American would approach their circumstances, I can't help but think that they'd be appalled. There's not enough trivial stuff to fill up their lives, their minds, their gross lack of imaginations. We're drowning in stuff and our desire for more, and most of us don't even realize it.

I'm hoping that as I venture into this life/habit change at the start of the new year, that I'll maybe have some people join me. The more the merrier! Let's enjoy our lack of consumerism together! If not join me, then at a bare minimum offer some support, advice, and limit-setting. Get me out of the house to go paddle boarding, kayaking, and biking. I think this change is completely doable with a lot of little changes, that'll eventually add up to some big changes, and will be better for me and my financial future overall. That's my hope anyway.

Life at the Bedside: Stepping Back but Moving Forward

To date, I'm over 15 years into my career in nursing. Has it really been that long? I guess it has. Sometimes it feels like it has, sometimes it doesn't. I've been here in northern Arizona working as a nurse for about five years now, which is actually the longest I've stayed at any one nursing position since I started this career. It's weird to think that I've spent most of my nursing career moving from job to job, rarely staying anywhere for much longer than 6 months at a time.

I consider myself lucky that I chose a profession that not only allows me the flexibility to pursue a lot of different career paths in the healthcare setting, but also pays me well enough to have a lot of free time to enjoy my lifestyle outside of it. I'm grateful that I chose this profession all those years ago when I was a terrified little freshman living away from home for the very first time. My heart wasn't initially in the schooling, as I had always wanted to work with animals, but I was interested enough in nursing to know that I might actually be good at it, and that eventually, I would learn to like it. I'm so glad that it all worked out. And truth be told, not only did I learn to like nursing, I actually grew to love it quite a bit. It turned out to be a really good fit for me, and it's given me the flexibility and the income to live a life that makes me truly happy.

This summer, after working full-time for 15 years, I decided to change my position from a full-time charge nurse to a part-time floor nurse on a completely different nursing unit. It took me a long time and a lot of soul searching and long conversations with friends and coworkers to come to this decision to switch my position. Prior to this change, I had been a charge nurse for 2 years, and a member of the same nursing unit for about 4 and a half years. Being a charge nurse is a tough role to be in. I was basically the overseer of the flow of the unit for 12 hours at a time; that flow included the staffing of nurses and nurse assistants, the patients, and the comings and goings of ancillary staff. I had to make sure that the nurses working with me were supported, that they were getting their work done, and that the patients were receiving the best care possible. I was responsible for staffing and unit flow, and filling in for those ancillary services that aren't available at night. I can't tell you the number of times I had to push a patient in their giant hospital bed down to CT or Xray in the middle of the night (whilst leaving my staff behind), sometimes emergently, sometimes not. I've cleaned floors, I've made beds, I've couriered blood products, I've gone from unit to unit in search of equipment, I've spent hours on the phone trying to reach family members, Xray technicians, and doctors, I've taken patient assignments in addition to my charge nurse role so my staff wasn't overburdened. All of those things were mostly just tasks, and while they stacked up at times, I knew that was all part of it when I accepted the charge nurse role.

People are not at their best when they're sick and in the hospital. The hospital is rarely, if ever, a destination people want to go, let alone plan for. I don't care how many consultants the hospital brings in to talk to us, a hospital will never be the Ritz Carlton or Disneyland. When they start giving people enemas before getting on Splash Mountain (horrible idea, by the way), or requiring them to disrobe in front of total strangers and be subjected to all manner of unpleasantries before being escorted to their hotel rooms, then maybe we can start drawing some comparisons between Disneyland and/or the Ritz and the hospital setting. However, we're strongly encouraged to treat patients as though they are at the Ritz or Disneyland, and over the years, the patients have come to expect that as well. Patients are actually no longer patients, they are clients or customers, and the customer is always right, even if the customer has no medical knowledge whatsoever. So not only are we required to use the best of our nursing judgement to ensure a safe recovery for each and every patient, we are also expected to provide customer service at a level that isn't always conducive to the sometimes unpleasant and uncomfortable course of recovery. I can't take away someone's pain by offering them a free night's stay; I can't change 50 years of bad habits and the medical maladies and subsequent treatments that go along with them by offering them a free meal or a ride to the airport; it doesn't make them feel special to know that they're first in line for a trip to the CT scanner (and then having to redact that statement due to an emergency). In short, you can't placate illness.

It's stressful trying to provide appropriate medical care when dealing with the stress of placating people who don't like being uncomfortable, which is understandable. Where that fell back on me, as a charge nurse, is I was frequently being summoned and berated for things that were completely out of my control. Be it staff-to-staff interactions, staff-to-patient interactions, department-to-department interactions, patient-to-doctor interactions, or nurse-to-doctor interactions, I was frequently put in the position of having to calm the waters, all while voraciously having to justify maintaining the staff level that was best for optimal patient care. In short, it was a lot of stress and it was starting to take a toll on me. I think most people see me as a no-nonsense person who can brush most things off relatively easily, but the truth is that I'm very sensitive to negativity. I was struggling more than ever with maintaining a positive outlook amidst the negativity around me. I felt that as a charge nurse, my positive interactions with those around me were becoming fewer and fewer. I just didn't want to hear it anymore...the complaints, the grumbling, the dissatisfaction, the animosity; worst of all, I felt powerless to make the changes necessary to improve it. I just wanted to go to work and take care of my patients and if a situation arose, I wanted to be the one to passing it up the chain of command, rather than the one receiving it.

There was a part of me that stayed too long in my charge nurse position because I felt like I was abandoning my post. There is a lot of guilt and hurt feelings that go along with moving to a new position, even though I wasn't actually leaving the hospital environment. Several people called me a traitor when they found out I was thinking about leaving, and while their comments were made in jest, there was a part of me that took them to heart, which made me doubt my decision even more. My former boss and I had a conversation about this several months ago, and he made the comment that I'm completely replaceable. He didn't say it to belittle me, he said it because he knew how much stress it was causing me to think about my position being empty and the work that would go into replacing me. I know it's not easy to find experienced nurses in this town; nurses are constantly coming and going for a multitude of reasons. At the end of the day though, he was right; I am completely replaceable. There are plenty of nurses in our hospital that have just as much, if not more experience than I do. There are several of them who are more than qualified and would be happy to take my place, and would probably bring a fresh perspective to the work environment. That's the piece that I should have been thinking about months ago when I finally admitted to myself that I just wasn't happy where I was anymore. I wasn't staying for me; I was staying for these worries that I had in my head that turned out to be mostly unfounded.

One of my very good friends and someone who I respect very much put some things in perspective for me as I was going through this change. She's been working for the same employer for almost 15 years now. She told me that the key to her staying with her company and still liking her job is that she's moved into different positions about every two years or so. She said she thinks it's important to have new faces, new responsibilities, and a new environment to keep things fresh, interesting, and sometimes even exciting. We all know those people who hate their jobs but have been at them for so long that they're comfortable enough to stay there until the bitter end, complaining every day about how unhappy they are. They're everywhere, and they're difficult to be around. I saw myself becoming one of them. I thought there was something wrong with me, that there was something wrong with nursing, that maybe it wasn't the career for me anymore. It's hard for us to be honest when it comes to deciding how much of ourselves we should sacrifice for our jobs. I think it turns out that I didn't need to sacrifice anything; I just needed a change of scenery.

So this change? The one I was so scared to make and agonized over for months? It was super easy. I got a new boss, a new nursing unit, a whole new set of coworkers, a schedule that I could more or less control, and the transition was incredibly smooth. Since I'm scheduled for less shifts overall, one of the things that I've liked the most is that I can pick up shifts for other nurses in the hospital who need a day off. So not only do I feel good about helping a patient through their recovery, I feel good about helping a coworker to attend their daughter's soccer game or their husband's graduation from college or to start their much-needed vacation a day or two early. It's helped me to have an additional positive association with going to work, which is what I so desperately needed. I miss my former coworkers, but I still get to see them outside of work, and I'm still able to work shifts on my former unit. I think I'm a much easier person to be around now, and I feel bad that there were people who I like and respect who had to be there to see and experience my struggles and my low points. I guess that's how it goes. I hope that moving forward I can be a source of support for my fellow coworkers when and if they experience the same sort of struggles that I was having.

If you're reading this and you're feeling some or even a lot of the same feelings I had, know that you're not alone. There are so many people out there living their lives day to day, afraid or unable to make changes to their current situation despite the fact that a little change might make a huge difference. Sometimes it takes a leap to gain an inch, and taking the leap is frequently the hardest part of all. With the right support and a little bit of grit, you can do it. :)