The Idiot's Guide to Driving in Flagstaff

*It should be noted that all of these behaviors have been witnessed by me personally, typically more than one on any given day.*

1. I've found that it's most helpful to begin any driving excursion in Flagstaff by firming inserting one's head into one's butt. There seems to be no other explanation for the majority of driving behaviors that go on in this little mountain town.

2. Have your phone in one hand at all times, even when you're not using it. Make sure to check it as often as possible to be sure that you haven't missed a text, a facebook update, or a tweet in the last 3 seconds.

3. While texting and driving, make sure to use both hands.

4. Poorly steer with your knees while texting, and tell your passengers in the car that you're "really good at texting and driving."

5. Make left turns out of the right lane, and right turns out of the left lane.

6. When possible, be sure to stop directly in the lane of traffic to be sure that you are still, in fact, going in the right direction.

7. If you are not going in the right direction or have missed your turn, stop immediately and block traffic with a poorly executed K-turn. Trust me, your vehicle will be incapable of a standard U-turn on a four-lane road. It should be noted that if you pass your turn or are going the wrong way, there will be NO place further down the road to pull over and safely get yourself oriented in the direction you need to go. You must stop and execute the K-turn immediately.

8. In parking lots, there's no need to slow down or yield to someone backing out of a parking space. In fact, it's preferable to drive behind them as quickly and as closely as possible. They'll most likely see you...if they're not texting, shoving a giant burrito down their gullet, or have not already inserted their own heads into their rectums.

9. It's perfectly acceptable to drive up the shared middle turn lane, regardless of how far up your turn happens to be. Make sure you go past at least 3 driveways, if not more.

10. When driving on a 2-lane road with a shared middle turn lane, it's encouraged that you get into the shared turn lane to pass any slow motorists that might be in your way. Give them the finger or honk at them for their audacity to go to the speed limit.

11. Make sure to drive as fast as possible while going up or down any and all hills in town, regardless of whether or not they are in a residential area or contain a pedestrian crosswalk.

12. Always make the widest left or right turn possible. It is preferable if you could also give the pedestrians on the sidewalk a good scare while executing your turn.

13. Make sure to drive 5-10 miles under the speed limit at all times, unless you are going up or down a hill (see #11).

14. Count to six before taking off at a green light...or just finish texting your boyfriend.

15. Hit your brakes frequently for no apparent reason whatsoever.

16. If your traffic light is green and the next one in your direction of travel happens to be red and traffic has backed up, by all means pull forward and make sure to block the intersection.

17. If you can't decide which lane you need to be in, just straddle the dotted white line and drive in both of them. It is important to note that you should drive slowly while doing this, and that you should swerve from side to side randomly to keep other motorists from going around you.

18. The use of the blinker is strongly discouraged, and should not be done for any reason.

19. No need to be aware of motorcycles, bicycles, or scooters...those two-wheeled idiots should be on the sidewalk or the bike path.

20. With the first winter storm, there is no need to slow down or change your driving habits whatsoever, especially if you have four-wheel drive. Continue texting, eating, swerving, and generally driving like an asshole. Our fellow first-responders and hospital staff will thank you for the business.

21. When pulling over for an ambulance or fire truck, make sure to immediately leap back out into the lane, blocking those who had pulled over in front of you from getting back on the road.

22. Four-way STOP? What's that?

23. In general, drive like you and only you are the only person on the road at any given time, and you'll have mastered the art of driving in Flagstaff.