Homesick

At the base of Vernal Falls in Yosemite National Park

So I've been feeling a little homesick lately. 

It's hard to logically explain the feeling of homesickness at this stage in my life.  I don't often feel homesick...in fact, this is one of the first times since I've been out on my own that I can actually acknowledge feeling homesick.  I think part of the reason is that for a long time, I've felt that there's really no place where I belong.  I don't know if this was brought about by travel nursing for so long, or something deeper seeded than that, but no where really feels like home to me anymore.  I honestly don't know when I last felt like I belonged anywhere.  That sounds kind of sad, when I read over that statement.  I don't feel sad.  I just feel kind of...detached, for lack of a better word.  I feel like my location in life is never going to feel permanent, that I'm never going to find that one place where I can just "be."  And it's not that I'm unhappy with where I am right now, or anywhere else that I've been in the last decade...it just doesn't feel the way I think home should feel.  Maybe I have far too much free time on my hands if I'm able to sit here and think about it for any length of time.  Maybe it's not the location that's the problem, maybe it's me.

Hiking with Matt and Suzie in North Carolina

What is home anyway?  Seems like there are so many factors that go into making a place your home.  Many of those factors have very little, if anything, to do with the dwelling you happen to reside in.  "Home is where the heart is," right?  Isn't that some sort of quote that you see embroidered and framed on the wall in your grandma's house?  Brandi Carlile, one of my favorite musical artists, has a song with the phrase, "Wherever is your heart, I'll call home."  Or, from Edward Sharpe "Home is wherever I'm with you."  Or something similar to that...I'm terrible with song lyrics, but you get the gist.  So there seems to be this repeating theme...wherever your heart is, whomever is with you who's near and dear, that's where your home is.  So home could really be just about anywhere...an RV, a cabin in the north woods, an apartment in downtown Chicago, a farm in Nebraska.  You just have to figure out, in your heart, what and who is important to have around you.  And that's where I appear to be struggling.

Me and my college buddies on a trip to Alaska

Most of the things and people who are near and dear to me are scattered all over the country.  My family, for the most part, is in Minnesota.  My closest friends from college are in Minnesota.  My favorite ice cream place is in Fort Myers, Florida.  My favorite seafood restaurant is in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.  My favorite movie theater is in La Crosse, Wisconsin.  My favorite place to see a show is the Varsity Theater in Minneapolis.  One of my favorite hikes is to Nevada Falls in Yosemite National Park in California.  My favorite place to catch a sunset is Captiva Island, Florida.  My favorite downtown area is in Burlington, Vermont.  Denver has the Red Rocks Ampitheater.  Florida has the beaches.  California has...everything.  I could go on and on about all the places I've been and how I've managed to find so many favorites along the way.  I have friends and family in California, Oregon, Arkansas, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Florida, Colorado, Vermont, Massachusetts, Iowa...many of whom I haven't seen in years because there just isn't enough time or money for me to do so.

Sunset with Ellen and Fred on Captiva Island, Florida

And that takes me to my traveling.  I'm literally always going somewhere.  The current trip hasn't even started before I'm planning the one after that, and the one after that.  Sometimes I feel like where I'm at is just a jumping off point to where I'm going next.  I work crazy hours before and after each trip, just to ensure I have the time off to go where I want, when I want.  All this working and traveling leaves me very little quality time in Flagstaff.  And to be honest, I'm not being fair to Flagstaff.  Flagstaff is fantastic.  The food, the people, the town, the outdoor activities, the weather, the workplace....everything here is about as good as it's going to get.  I love that it's sunny here almost every single day.  I love the mild winters, the summer storms, and waking up every morning to sunshine and a view of the mountains.  I love that on the very coldest of days, I can spend 2 hours in the car and get a sunburn in Phoenix.  Flagstaff has just about everything I could possibly want.  Except for the fact that most of my favorite people are somewhere else.  And how does one choose?  How do you choose between the place that makes you happiest, and the people who make you happiest?  Of course, I'm lucky to have my happy person living here with me, along with my little dog, so there's that...that's more important than anything, really.  Simon is the happiest I've ever seen him in Flagstaff.  I think I could live just about anywhere in the country with him and pretty much find a silver lining to keep me there for a spell, but Flagstaff was the very first place we'd been where Simon actually wanted to stay.  I love that he's so happy here.

My family and I at my cousin Kory's wedding

 Simon and I recently had a really long talk about moving closer to home.  Probably not back to Minneapolis or Rochester or St. Cloud, but La Crosse, Wisconsin is looking promising (favorite movie theater...hahaha!).  Simon and I did a travel job for 6 months in La Crosse back in 2008, and we really, really like that town.  There's water for kayaking and paddle boarding, there are bluffs to hike and mountain bike, there are cheese curds at almost every restaurant, both of the hospitals there are great medical centers, we could drive to see our friends and families.  All good points.  But we hesitate.  Were we really that happy in the Midwest?  Endless months of cold, grey skies.  The winters drag on and on.  The summers are hot and buggy, and sometimes terribly rainy, and sometimes very short.  And is weather really that big of a deal?  Simon thinks so.  He's borderline miserable in the Midwest, in regards to the weather.  He's made the comment that if he's crabby and miserable in the Midwest, then he's not any fun to be around.  Which is a valid point.  I find that I was better about doing my laundry when I lived in the Midwest...there were so many rainy days that I didn't feel bad spending the day washing my dirty clothes.  Here in Flagstaff all those domestic chores fall by wayside as I wait for a rainy day in which to complete them.  And maybe I'm better at forgetting the weather.  Yeah, Minnesota is cold in the winter.  It's humid in the summer...yeah yeah yeah, that's how it is.  But also don't think that I'm as affected by weather as some people.  But I could be forgetting that as well. 

My buddy Franko and me on his wedding day

It seems that most of the people in my life are perfectly content with where they are...or at the very least, they've made peace with it.  Maybe to some people, there's more to where they're living than being happy with their physical location.  Maybe I'm unrealistic in thinking that there's someplace in this world that is the perfect fit for me, where I'll feel like I belong and will want to stay there forever.  Or not.  Maybe I'm just one of those people who will never be fully content anywhere, and will need a change of scenery every few years or so.  Maybe everyone craves a change of scenery, but maybe not everyone has the opportunities or the motivation to do so.  I think what this all boils down to is the idea that everyone has their shit together but me.  I know that's not true, and I know that we've all got different kinds of shit we're attempting to juggle around every single day...I just feel like my shit is all over the place.  Kind of a gross visual, but there it is.

Hiking with Mark and Liz outside Little Rock, Arkansas

I'm grateful that my position in life allows me to travel as much as I do.  But maybe it's time that I stayed put for a while.  Maybe I should take the time to "just be" in Flagstaff, to really appreciate what I've got going on around here.  Simon and I were talking the other day about how last summer, we never once went up to Lake Powell to go camping and kayaking.  We've barely explored the hundreds of miles of hiking trails in Sedona, and northern Arizona as a whole.  We haven't been to any of the national parks in Utah yet, which are only a few hours drive away, and we've been here almost 3 years.  I spend so much time going back and forth to where I've already been, that I haven't fully experienced where I am right now.  Maybe it's time to stick around for a while...really appreciate what it is that captivated Simon enough to stay here.

Hiking in La Crosse, Wisconsin

My biggest struggle with staying here is that I know there are people in my life right now who I would never see again if I didn't travel.  I know there are a myriad of reasons why people don't travel as much as I do, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little bit when people ask me when I'm coming home next, rather than starting the conversation about coming out to where I am.  I was guilty of it when I lived in Minnesota and friends of mine would move away...I can count on one hand and have fingers to spare the number of times I got myself on a plane or took a road trip to visit friends and family who lived in other states.  I get it.  Setting the plans in motion to travel is kind of a pain in the ass, especially if you don't like trip planning.  And given finite resources, maybe northern Arizona isn't very high on most people's lists of places to go.  But...that's how it is when you move away.  I know this.  I knew this long before I hit the road with the travel nursing gig.  And for the most part, I'm okay with it, because I can empathize with just about anyone's situation in regard to traveling, or lack thereof, because I used to loathe traveling.  I try not to take it personally, but every now and then I struggle with it.  And it's stupid and maybe a little selfish of me to be put out if I don't personally fit into someone's travel plans.  I know when I travel, especially when I go back home, there are lots of people who I don't get to see.  And that's just how it is.

Hiking with the Pattens in Sedona, Arizona

And you know, maybe at the base of it, I just have a lot less going on in my life than most people.  I don't have kids whose school schedules and extracurricular activities I have to maneuver around.  I work 3 days a week at a job that requires little to none of my time or energy outside of the workplace.  My boss is amazing at giving me time off, as long as I'm willing to stay flexible and am being fair to the rest of my coworkers in respect to their time off requests.  I'm doing pretty well financially, no longer living paycheck to paycheck, and am actually able to squirrel away some extra funds every month.  My little dog is about as low maintenance as a dog can get, and I've found some really wonderful pet sitters here in town.  For all the reasons as I can come up with to not travel, there are just as many that are favorable to traveling.  There are times though that I feel guilty for choosing to indulge on a trip to somewhere I've never been over traveling home to see friends and family.  And I know that's a battle that's going to go on in my life from here on out...there's just no getting around that.

Cross country skiing with Brie in Flagstaff, Arizona

I guess it all comes down to what is important.  And to break it down even more than that...it's people vs. location.  It seems silly to think that a physical location could trump friends and family, but it does.  All the time.  Families and friends are moving farther and farther away from each other every day, doing their own thing, living their own lives away from everyone and everything that they knew and were most comfortable with.  And how do they reconcile missing out on the events of the people back home?  The babies being born, the birthdays being celebrated, the holidays spent together, the random impromptu cook outs in a friend's backyard, meeting up with a girlfriend for coffee...those are the things I miss the most.  Even if I was home, I know I wouldn't make it to every holiday, every birthday, or every cook out, but the opportunity would be there...whereas now it's barely an option.  Working a job that is up and running 24/7 barely gives me the opportunity to begin with...holidays, birthdays, weekends...they're all just another day in the life of a nurse.  Add thousands of miles between me and my friends and family, and it amounts to me missing out on just about everything.  But...again, I chose this.  I chose to move away.  And I need to accept that, but on days like today, it's hard.  You'd think after almost 10 years away from home that I'd be used to it by now.

Some of my girlfriends from college

Being away has been good for me though...I cherish the time spent with friends and family here in Arizona and on my trips back home, whereas before I'm sure I took it for granted.  I might not be there for holidays or birthdays or weddings or any of those other events that happen every day, but I feel that I try to make the most of the time that I do have.  That's about the best I can do, really.  Outside of offering the spare room in our house to anyone who happens to want to visit, that is.  Open invite to anyone who wants to come visit.  I'll even cook for you...and clean the bathroom...I'll even go so far as to pull the hair out of the drain (I hate cleaning bathrooms, and I only do it when people are coming over...hahaha!).  In the event that you're some peripheral creepy friend-of-a-friend who stumbled upon this blog by pure chance...then maybe we need to have a meet-and-greet in neutral territory before I agree to share a living space with you...hahaha!

Grandma's 90th birthday with a smattering of my cousins

So there it is...a long blog about me wondering why I just can't have it all...friends and family nearby, perfect weather, fantastic ice cream and the beach just a short little drive away...that seems totally doable, right?  Overall, my life is pretty dang good, and I have a lot to be thankful for and very little to complain about.  I hope this finds you and yours happy and in good health.  And you know, if you have some airline miles burning a hole in your pocket, I know of a pretty cool couple in Flagstaff, Arizona that would love to have you out for a visit.  Just sayin.'  :)   

Simon's family met my family at Minne's Diner