Bye Bye Little B

Brie hiking in LaCrosse, WI

Just a year and a half ago I wrote a eulogy for my first dog, Lady.  And here I sit…doing it again for little miss Brie.  It's no secret that Brie had been my favorite.  I, and everyone who's ever had a child or pet, knows that you're not supposed to have a favorite, but you do.  You always do, whether you're comfortable enough to admit it or not.  Brie was mine.

It was kind of by accident that I ever found her.  I had recently graduated from college and had started my new job as a nurse at the Mayo Clinic.  I was still living at home, and suddenly had all this money that I had no idea what to do with.  It was burning a hole in my pocket, and for some reason I had the idea in my head that I needed to buy something significant with it.  I was bouncing some ideas off my friend Franko, who was living in Winona at the time, and when I mentioned that I was thinking about getting another dog, he said, "Dude, you totally should get a pug."  Up until then, I hadn't even really thought about pugs.  Didn't really know a thing about them other than what they looked like, and that they were notorious for snorting.  Funny thing is, about a year prior to this, I took one of those online personality quizzes…you know the ones, where you answer a bunch of questions and they tell you what state you should be living in, what car you should be driving, etc.  The one I took was for what kind of dog personality I had.  Lo and behold, I had gotten the pug personality.  At the time, I didn't think much of it.  But once Franko told me to get a pug, I thought he might be on to something.  

Brie lounging poolside in Cape Coral, FL

So one day in August I was casually looking through the newspaper and saw an ad for a pug puppy for sale.  On a whim, I called the lady, who explained that Brie had originally been purchased from a breeder by her daughter and son-in-law.  Unfortunately for Brie, the daughter went back to school full-time, and the son-in-law worked full-time, leaving very little time for little Brie.  So they decided to try to find a new home for her.  I don't quite remember the circumstances, but I had my little brother Mike with me, and we drove out to Pine Island, MN together to have a look at this pug puppy.  Now, I hadn't run any of this past my parents yet, and our family was still mourning the recent loss of our dog Lassie, who had passed about a month earlier.  But, I thought to myself, "I can just go look."  So we looked.  And we loved her.  I didn't get her that day, as I wanted to run it by my parents first.  Mom was mostly indifferent, deferring to my dad on the subject, who responded with an immediate "No more dogs!"  So the wind was taken out of my sails a bit.  So I waited.  A few days later, while mom, Mike, and I were out school shopping for Mike, the lady who had Brie called me and said that she was willing to drop the price for Brie, because she knew that if I took her, that she'd be going to a good home.  So I told Mom this.  And then Mom agreed to go look at Brie, knowing full well that it's difficult, if not impossible, to say no to a puppy.  So we went back out to Pine Island, and came home with little Brie, who was around 14 weeks old.  Dad knew nothing about it.

The obligatory bath time photo

So we're all sitting in the living room, anxiously waiting for Dad to get home from work.  None of us had any idea how he might react, but we were pretty sure he'd be mad, since only a few days prior he had told us that no more dogs were allowed.  So we're sitting with Brie on the couch, the back of which faces the front door.  Dad comes in, and Brie stands up and peers over the back of the couch to see who's arrived.  The rest of us are silent, waiting for him to notice her.  We ask him how his day at work went, trying to hard to suppress the giggles that are forming, watching Brie furiously wag her tail at the new person who has just entered her new world.  Dad takes his time taking off his shoes, putting down his bag, and just shrugging off his work day.  He then looks up and sees this little pug face staring at him from over the top of the couch.  "I said no more dogs!" was the first thing out of his mouth.  My response, "But look how cute she is!"  So he came scowling into the living room, giving Brie the stink eye as he approached.  In true Brie fashion, in an obliviousness that would follow her through the rest of her life, she continued to wag her tail and wiggle with excitement as he got closer, not knowing that this was the one person in the house who could, and quite possibly would, send her packing.  Dad took a seat on the couch opposite us, and as he tried to maintain is gruff demeanor, and not quite succeeding, he held out his arms and said, "Well, let me see her then."  And the rest, as they say, is history.      

Brie pretty much charmed the rest of the family from there on out.  Everyone loved her.  So much so that there are now at least 5 other pugs in our immediate and extended family.  Prior to Brie, there were none.  My family loved her so much that when I decided to move out, they told me that I should leave Brie with them and get another pug for myself.  So I bought my parents their own pug, Sadie, to make Brie's moving out that much easier for them.  After that, Lady, Brie, and I started our life together.  Cooper joined the party two years after I got Brie, and it was then that I instituted my Dad's original command…No more dogs!  :)

Picking up turds by the Big Dam Bridge in Little Rock, AR

It's been said that pug owners are some of the craziest dog owners out there.  Being realistic, I'd have to concur.  Although, I do believe that Boxer and Dachshund owners are not far behind…just had to throw that out there…hahaha!  But that's neither here nor there…pug owners truly are kind of crazy.  You have to be.  In nature, pugs would not survive.  Everything that makes a dog, a dog has been bred out of them.  Pugs are not very bright, they're difficult to train, they have a slew of chronic health problems, and they lack that people-pleasing element that is so prominent in other dog breeds.  Pugs are willing to do what you want, as long as it benefits them in some way or another.  It's like convincing them that your idea is actually their idea.  It's a cycle of constant vigilance, and it pretty much starts at acquisition, and ends at death.  However, whatever they lack in normal dog attributes, they make up for in spades with their goofy personalities and laid-back demeanor.  I couldn't tell you the number of times Brie has almost had me in tears over some weird thing that she had done.  She had such a personality, and even though she could be an epic pest, I loved almost every minute I got to spend with that little beastie.  I say almost, because we definitely had our moments.  I'd give anything to have more of those moments with her, but her poor little body had other ideas.  

Brie with one of her favorite pig toys

This last year with her has been really hard.  Gone was the happy-go-lucky little dog who used to chase Cooper, her pug brother under the bed, and then bark furiously until he came back out so she could chase him back under again. Gone was my little snuggle bug who would jump up on the couch and curl up behind my knees for a nap.  Gone was the little dog who loved to go for walks, go for rides, go anywhere as long as she was going along.  In the course of a year, Brie managed to lose almost all of her sight, all of her hearing, and slowly lost functioning of her back legs due to a chronic disease called Degenerative Myelopathy.  It made her very anxious not knowing where I was, as she could no longer see or hear me.  She would shuffle through the house in a panic trying to find me, sniffing everything that resembled a leg until she found mine.  And then she could relax, knowing where I was.  If I moved, the whole process started again.  It was heart-breaking to watch the little dog with whom I had literally climbed mountains reduced to a neurotic mess because she couldn't find her person in a 1,000 square foot house.  I tried to make things as easy for her as I could.  I kept her pet beds always in the same spot, and when she appeared lost, I would guide her to one of them and help her lay down.  If I was going to bed, I would pick her up and bring her with me.  If I was going to sit on the couch for any length of time, I'd set her next to me.  I myself probably got a little neurotic in this last year, always wondering where she was, what she was doing, hearing her shuffling from room to room looking for me or the water dish…those were usually the two things she was always looking for.

As stressful as it was to watch Brie's steady decline, I know it was hard on people who came to visit us to see her.  She shuffled, she staggered, it was obvious that she couldn't see or hear very well.  People would make comments or ask questions out of concern or curiosity, and I would sometimes get pretty defensive, feeling as though my ethics and abilities as a pet owner were being called into question.  It's hard to make an assessment from the outside looking in.  Even from the inside, it was tough as nails sometimes to watch her struggle.  But then in the next minute she'd be furiously chewing on a toy or running to the front door to greet whomever was coming in.  It was just this continuous cycle of good moments and bad moments, happening multiple times a day, every day, over the course of an entire year.  It was so exhausting and frustrating and sad, and it left me feeling so inadequate and helpless because I just didn't know what to do to make her better.  It's funny how sometimes doing the best you can still just isn't enough.

Brie demonstrating some hops during the Pug Olympics in our hotel in Fort Myers, FL

Her spirit was still so incredibly intact right up until the end, and I think that's what made it so hard for me for so long.  There were days when I was convinced that it was time, and then she'd do something silly like throw a toy up into the air and catch it, or eat all of her food and half of Cooper's.  Just little things that showed me she was still there and still wanted to be.  But last night I knew we had turned a corner…the corner that has been hovering just out of sight for the past few months.  Brie was no longer able to stand.  Of course, standing had been a struggle for her the past few months, but she was always able to get to her feet either by herself or with some assistance from Simon or I.  Last night she couldn't find her feet no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I massaged her little legs, so matter how much I put her paws on the ground and tried to put her in a standing position.  Nothing worked.  And then she got stressed.  She started to cry, and thrash, and the only thing that calmed her was for me to pick her up and hold her like a little baby.  I knew then that it was time.  I couldn't watch her struggle any more, and it was obvious that all the things that we had been doing to help her were no longer working.  Luckily, our favorite vet, Dr. Sarah, was working last night, and she was with us when Brie passed.  Of course, prior to her passing, Brie managed to eat about 10 dog treats, something she hasn't been allowed to do due to food allergies, so she was happy as a clam, munching away until there was nothing left to munch.  And when the end came, it was quiet and peaceful…we should all be so lucky to pass quickly and quietly, with a belly full of treats, surrounded by those who care about us the most.       

One of her favorite places to sit

Of course I'm struggling with the guilt that comes along with the relief that it's over.  There's always that.  I know in my heart that I did everything I could have for her, that the only reason she made it as long as she did was because I was constantly there for her.  But still it wasn't enough.  It never is, really.  When it's your time, it's your time, and no amount of glucosamine, antibiotics, snuggles, expensive pet food, or treats is going to prevent that.

So, I'd like to get away from the sad stuff, and share some of the things that made Brie so special.  Not just to me, but to almost everyone she met.  She was seriously one of the goofiest dogs I've ever seen.  She loved nothing more than to be propped up on the couch like a person.  She'd just sit there contentedly watching the TV, barking every now and again as an animal or person would go running by on the screen.  She'd sit that way for hours until she would fall asleep, and then tip over and continue snoring.  If snuggling was an Olympic sport, she could have been a gold medalist.  I'd barely get settled on the couch before she'd be crawling into my lap.  And while pugs might appear to be small dogs, they are quite dense, and 25 pounds of pug on one's chest or full bladder could get quite uncomfortable.  Since I was her person, and had pretty much coddled her since I got her, she followed me everywhere, even into the bathroom.  In her younger years she would jump into the tub with me while I showered…it was kinda funny to be soaping up while a little dog was running around at my feet.  As she got older she was content to lie on the bath mat and wait for me to come out.  She also frequently insisted that she be in the bathroom with me while I was using the toilet.  Sometimes she would try to crawl up on my lap while I was sitting there.  Sometimes I let her.  Sometimes I realized that it was weird to have a dog on my lap while using the loo, but at the same time, it was kind of unique in its own way.  How many people can say they've gone number 2 with a dog snoring away on their lap?  Probably not many, I suppose (see previous paragraph about pug owners being crazy).  In the event that I went into the bathroom without her, I could usually hear her snorting outside the door, and occasionally she would stick her paws under the door, as if she thought she could squeeze under it and get to me.   

Like Lady, Brie travelled all over the country with Simon and I.  She's climbed mountains and bluffs in Vermont, North Carolina, Arkansas, Wisconsin, and Colorado.  For such a portly little thing, she was actually quite agile.  She out climbed both Cooper and Lady, displaying her inner-mountain goat capabilities.  People always looked surprised to see us climbing a mountain with pugs in tow.  Of course, it was only possible to do that during the most perfect of conditions…pugs can't handle much heat, cold, or physical exertion, so the weather and conditions had to be perfect or we'd be carrying her.  That happened a time or two, but she was always so excited to go and get outdoors and just be a dog in the woods.  She's seen the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean.  She's taken a poop in more states than most people I know.  And seeing as she was under the impression that all the world is her toilet, that's a lot of poop.  

Catching a snooze on the back of the couch

Of all my dogs, Brie has always been the most playful.  She destroyed more toys than Lady and Cooper combined.  There are toys scattered all over the house, and I'm trying to decide what to do with them, as Cooper shows very little interest in toys these days…not that he showed much interest in them to begin with.  Whenever I would come home from being out and about, Brie would always furiously hunt for a toy to carry around, and then she would strut around me with a toy in her mouth, snorting happily the entire time.  She didn't want to play with it, she just wanted to carry it around as some sort of sign that I was home and she was happy about it.  I'm really going to miss that.  It was such a small little thing, but it was unique to her and it made me feel special to see her happily running around me with her favorite toy in her mouth.  Even in her last few days she still made an attempt to greet me with a toy.  She was also famous for her drive-by licking.  I was used to it and didn't think much of it, but she had this thing where she would wander past a bare leg, give it a quick lick without missing a beat, and continue on her way.  I can't even count the number of times friends have commented, "Did she just lick me?"  Yeah, yeah she did.  She does that.  Up until a few years ago, she would army crawl across the floor.  It was seriously the funniest thing.  We could pretty much get her to do it whenever we wanted by getting her to lay down and then tap the floor in front of her.  And off she would go, crawling on her belly across the carpet.  She hadn't done that in quite some time…just didn't have the strength in her legs anymore.

Getting in some reading with my Dummy in Cape Coral, FL

She was undoubtedly the stinkiest dog I've ever owned.  Granted, I've only owned three, but of those three, she was by far the stinkiest.  I could bathe her and get her smelling all nice and clean…and within a few hours she was back to her stinky self.  She did have a bit of a skin condition, which I think was probably part of it, but still…so stinky!  And gassy!  That dog could clear a room with her toots.  I remember the first time my friend Dave ever heard her toot…he was so perplexed as to how a creature with no butt cheeks could produce a fart sound.  Trust me, Brie didn't need butt cheeks.  The funniest was when she was trying to jump up on something…she would fart with the effort, giving the impression of a little jet propulsion to get her where she wanted to go.  Simon and I would be lying in bed at night, and we'd hear a fart from the foot of the bed.  We never had to ask who did it.  We knew.  It was always Brie.  I'll never forget the time she was sleeping under the blanket and produced quite the audible fart.  A few seconds later she was furiously crawling out from under the covers, having severely dutch-ovened herself.

Of course she had her fair share of nicknames, as all pets do.  To name a few: Breezy, Brietard (not PC, I know, but there it is anyway), Brie Butt, Breezy Pup, Baby Girl, Little B, Young Beezy, Brie B, Beezy Bub, Little Dummy, Beezer. 

My sweet little B and her other favorite pig toy

I'm going to miss her warbley little bark, that was more like a howl than anything.  I'm going to miss hearing her snoring from the foot of the bed.  I'm going to miss her warm little body snuggled up with me on those cold winter nights.  I'm going to miss her snorts, her pug kisses, and everything that made Brie, Brie.  As I wander around the house and pick up all the things that were hers…her toys, her dish, her leash, her meds, her personal care items, I can't quite come to the realization that she's gone and that she's not coming back.  She was a part of my everyday life for 12 years, and her absence this morning feels so huge.  I know that will fade away as the days pass, and that I'll probably always miss her on some level.  My first pup, the little dummy who made me laugh when the rest of the world had me in tears.  Fare thee well, my little B!  Thanks for the memories, and for giving the best years of your life so selflessly (for a pug) to me.  :)