Ponderings on Eating

I'm sure there's a handful of you who have seen the Fairlife Dairy Farms video that's been circulating on Facebook as of late. Some of you may have started watching it and stopped, some of you may have watched to the end and pushed your device away in disgust (as I did), some of you may have scrolled on by, not wanting to participate in watching for various reasons, including, but not limited to: guilt, shame, indifference, weak stomachs, social awareness fatigue, media bias, etc. The reason I bring it up is that the Fairlife video isn't the first nor will it be the last of its kind. Animal abuse in the food industry is also not new, nor is it something that's likely to go away anytime in the future without radical changes on both the local and political level, but that's a conversation for another time.

My whole point with this conversation is that for years I've been conflicted with how I feel about my consumption of animal products and the knowledge of how animals are treated prior to landing on my plate. I grew up in a small, rural farming community in Minnesota. I had both friends and family who made their living off of raising animals for consumption, whether it was dairy, beef, pork, or various aspects of poultry. In middle school, I had a good friend who lived on a dairy farm, and I loved going out there to help out with the chores. Obviously doing chores on a dairy farm is far from glamorous, but to a city kid getting dirty and being around farm animals for a couple days was like taking a trip to an exotic country. Clearly my ideas of what constitutes exotic trips has changed over the years, although I did travel all the way to Thailand to shovel elephant poop, so maybe they haven't changed all that much...hahaha!

Holstein painting by Dottie Dracos

 It's hard to describe the sensory experience one can have in a small dairy barn. Every single sense is stimulated in ways that can be hard to describe, but I'll do my best.

I would have to say that the first thing a you notice in a dairy barn is the smell, and I'm not just talking about poop, although that can be a pretty strong smell. It's the smell of hay, of furry bodies, of cow breath. You walk into the room that houses the bulk tank (where the milk goes after it comes out of the cow) and it smells like something between cheese and milk and something I can't articulate, but once you've smelled it, you'll be able to recognize it for the rest of your life. Not off-putting, but not something that will ever be featured in a scent of the month at a candle shop. There's a vague sweetness to the scent of it. You walk into the barn and you see a row of rubber boots, which you don immediately upon entering because the odds of stepping in something that you'd rather not get on your normal shoes is high. They're barn boots...that's where they are, and that's where they stay. And thank goodness they can be cleaned off with a simple spray of the hose at the end of the day. You see dust motes and hay dust floating on the breeze created by the fans, you see cats darting around underneath the cows, you might see a dog or two wandering up and down the main aisle, you see cows in their stalls munching away on the hay and a small sprinkle of grain that's been set out for them, you see every imaginable pattern of black and white on their large bodies, you see their big strong hooves, and can't help but think about how much it would hurt to get stepped on, you see their watering devices, which are shallow little bowls with a paddle in the middle that a cow presses on with her nose to get the water to come out, or sometimes you just see individual buckets filled with water, kinda depends on the farm. You might hear Oldies music playing softly on the radio. You also hear the loud gentle breathing of the cows, you hear them munching away, you hear soft contented moos and you hear louder irritable moos, you hear them randomly shuffling their feet around or stamping their hooves when they're bothered; you hear the pumps bringing the milk from the milkers attached to the teats all the way to its final destination at the bulk tank. You feel the warmth of their bodies, the slimy wet lick on your hand when they're convinced you've got a treat for them, their simultaneously soft but not-soft hair, you feel the scratchiness of the hay as it pokes through your barn gloves, you feel the callouses and blisters forming on your hands as you wield a shovel or a pitchfork to clean out each stall.

 I remember going out to my friend Krista's farm. She lived on a dairy farm with her parents and her two older brothers. Random fun fact: Krista taught me how to shave my legs without it looking like a blind person with a lawnmower blade had done it. Ha! Back in those days, most small farms didn't have hired hands, that's what the kids were for. I would stay overnight at her house, and we would get up in the wee hours of the morning to go out to the barn to help with the chores. I had itty bitty feet back in those days, and so the barn boots that they had for me to wear were far too large, but they kept my feet clean and dry so they did what they were supposed to do; I just shuffled and clomped about trying to keep up with Krista and her brothers, who were far less enthused about the morning chores than I was. The novelty of tromping around in barn boots in the wee hours of the morning had long ago worn off for them, had it ever been there at all. To be honest, I was probably more of a hindrance than anything, being a city kid and all, but I did my best and they put up with me and it seemed like we were all having fun. Maybe having a random little weirdo tearing around the barn in boots three sizes too big was refreshing if not somewhat entertaining for them. I'd like to think so, anyway.

On Krista's farm, every cow had a name, and every cow had her own stall with her name on it where she was milked twice a day; once in the morning, and once in the evening. If I remember correctly, the cows slept in the barn at night and were let out into the grassy pasture after the morning milking, where they would spend the day until it was time to come back into the barn for the evening milking, which was always a bit of a production. I was not allowed in the main aisle of the barn when the cows were let in for the evening, as it was quite the process and could quite possibly have ended in an accidental trampling. What most people don't realize about cows, is that they are sensitive but stubborn creatures of habit, both good and bad, which is something that a small dairy farmer and his kids know like the backs of their hands. Random city kid, not so much. For example...Bessie always comes in first, and may the force be with whomever gets in her way. Constance always goes into Millie's stall, which results in a small scuffle; a scuffle in this instance being a bunch of disgruntled mooing and stomping of the cloven hooves. Constance is then shamed into her own stall, at which point Millie can proudly claim her spot. Mabel and Lizzie always come in side-by-side. Dorie is always the last to come into the barn, and is admonished with a "quit lollygagging back there!" by one of the kids, and gets a knowing swat on her rear as she ambles on by. What is most impressive about this whole situation, it how orderly and repetitive it is. Every evening is the mostly the same.

After everyone is settled in their freshly cleaned and straw lined stalls, with a nice cube of hay and some corn to munch on, the milking can begin. Farmer and kids move from cow to cow, cleaning her teats and attaching the milkers, sometimes randomly squirting a bit of milk in the direction of one of the many barn cats looking for a handout. I wasn't allowed to help with this part as cleanliness and proper milker attachment is paramount and absolutely not a job for a city kid, so I busied myself with jumping back and forth over the gutters, trying not to fall in (it happened only once that I can remember) and making sure to avoid getting too close to the rear-ends of the cows who were known kickers. After the majority of the milking was done, I remember wandering from cow to cow, giving them a random scratch behind the ears, or a bit of apple or carrot as a treat, fascinated by their long purple tongues and their huge brown eyes. I remember how Krista would point out the nicest cows to me, and we would find two who were laying down next to each other, and we would each settle ourselves in on a cow, resting in the soft warm spot between her belly and her rear leg, slowly rising and lowering with her breath. The original recliner. We would sit like that for as long as her dad would allow, talking about whatever 11 year-olds talk about...probably boys and horses, if I was allowed a good guess. When it was time to turn the lights out we'd leave the barn full of sleeping cows, waking in the morning to do it all over again.

Helga cuddling her cows (from thecowsanctuary.org)

As I write this, I find myself tearing up just a little bit, thinking about all those good memories from my time spent in a dairy barn. These aren't memories that I access often because I feel so far removed from the farmland I used to know so well, both physically and emotionally. It's probably hard for someone who's never been in a barn to empathize with these stories, but some of my best childhood memories were spent on farms, in barns, getting dirty and spending time with these wonderful, gentle creatures. They're experiences that I cherish, and thinking about them makes me happy, but also makes me a little sad.

Sad because I know that most animals who spend their entire lives in factory farms don't have names. They don't have people scratching their heads or hand-feeding them snacks of apples and carrots. They're born in captivity, they spend their entire lives in captivity, and they die in captivity, known only by a number that was assigned to them at birth. Some of them never get the opportunity to go outside and feel the sunshine on their bodies or feel the breeze on their faces. They don't spend their lives being scratched and rubbed and climbed upon by children; the children of factory farms having been replaced by hired hands, many of whom are over worked and under paid and have little time or use for showing a big stubborn animal any extra kindness.

So I'm conflicted. My memories of the dairy farms of my youth are so very far removed from the videos online where farmers and their hired hands are physically abusing the animals they're raising. I wish there was a simple way to be certain that every animal product I consumed came from a small family farm, where the animals were given names, and love, and treats, and were respected for their sacrifice. It's so easy to walk into a store and buy a pound of hamburger, a gallon of milk, a pound of bacon, or a container of cottage cheese and not give two thoughts as to where it came from or how the animal was treated.

Holstein painting by Brent Schreiber

 I'm not going to sit here and admonish people for the choices that they make when it comes to food. That's not what this is about. What this is about is me being affected by something that's been bothering me for a while, and trying to make changes in my own life regarding my usage of animal products. As a consumer of animal products and also someone who really enjoys animals in their living forms, I feel it's my responsibility to find a way to be better about how I use animal products. If that means eliminating some animal products from my life, then that's what it means. If it means I consume less of certain animal products, then that's what it means. If I find a way to acquire animal products from small farmers who are committed to giving their animals names and treating them humanely and with dignity and respect, then that's what it means. 

It's a process, and it's one that I've started and quit time and time again. I know it's going to be a challenge, as not only have I mentally and culturally gotten used to eating a way a certain way, but my body has as well. Things are always subject to change, and this isn't something I'm going to be rigid with, because I've got to live my life too. I think the most successful changes are the ones that are developed gradually, with the option to change your trajectory as new information is obtained. So that's where I'm at.

If you're a small family farmer and you have your own little flock of chickens, or herd of cows, or passel of hogs (how cute is that?), give them a pat and a treat for me. They deserve it. :)

2019 Betterments

I just spent a little time going over my 2018 Betterments to have an idea of what I had planned to work on a year ago, compared to what I want to work on this year. It's funny, I go around thinking that things don't change all that much from year to year, but they definitely do. Last year I was committed to spending less money, working out more, bike commuting, selling the camper van, starting a low-carb diet, drinking less coffee, starting my own IVs at the hospital, and writing more in my gratitude journal. Well...I accomplished some of those things.

Simon and I did manage to sell the van, which was a one-and-done kind of Betterment, so that one was actually the easiest of the lot. Spending less money...ha...that's laughable. We bought a house this year and had all the regular expenses that go with it, along with my desire to furnish the place and make it feel like "our" space. While I wasn't as good about my spending as I should have been, I still managed to take my savings account from basically nothing following the down payment on the house, to close to half the amount that I put towards the down payment in the first place by the end of the year. I'm relatively pleased with that, but not patting myself on the back too much knowing that I could have been a lot better. Since we live 11 miles from work now, the bike commuting didn't pan out. I even bought an electric bike with the intention of commuting on it, and I hated it so much that I'm currently trying to sell that beastly thing. It's not the bike's fault...it's actually a really nice bike, it's just not for me. I did manage to work out more. I spend a lot more time at the gym than I used to, I started a personal training program, and I started going to yoga pretty regularly, so I think overall I succeeded in that Betterment. My last gratitude journal entry was from August 18, so that should tell you something about how well I did at that. I do drink a lot less coffee, and I think overall that's been a really nice change for me. I view coffee as a treat now, and save getting a warm, toasty mug of something sweet and spiced with nutmeg for those moments when I'm doing something nice for myself. I've also been better at starting IVs on my patients, and I'd have to say that I start more than I don't, so I'm getting better in that regard.

So there's that. Bring it on, 2019!

1. Focus on healthy eating. 2018 was the year of trying all sorts of different kinds of diets. I tried Keto, I tried Paleo, I tried Intermittent Fasting, I tried Vegetarian, I tried a friend's Slim Genics plan. Every single one was a fail, and some of them started to make me rather food-obsessed, which was a dark and unhealthy place I lived in during my senior year of high school. I don't want food to be my focus, but rather to focus on being healthy overall with food as a supporting player. Rather than committing to any sort of diet/eating lifestyle, I'm going to try to be more aware of all the foodstuffs I'm shoving into my mouth. And maybe do less shoving. I've always been a really fast eater, and therefore I think my biggest struggle is portion control. I remember in my 20's I used to eat until I was physically sick. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food, always thinking in the back of my mind when something really good was placed in front of me that I might not get it again for a long time, so I might as well dig in. As if that's a valid excuse to have three portions. Fast forward twenty years and throw in a declining metabolism, which just happens as we age, and you've got a recipe for disaster if you can't control what's going in your mouth. Over the years I've been better about portion control, but I could still use some work. I'm trying to focus on more whole-food eating, meaning I'm trying really hard to keep processed foods to a minimum. I'm trying to limit the amount of sugar that I have in my diet, although I still treat myself with the occasional chai latte, a Brussels cookie (sooo good!) or a piece of chocolate. I don't binge on sweets the way I used to binge on the salty stuff, which is a good thing. I can have one cookie or a couple pieces of chocolate and call it good. Chips, on the other hand, that's a different story. I've pretty much quit buying chips all together. We have a bag or two of tortilla chips in the house at any given time, but my beloved jalapeno Kettle Brand chips are nary to be found these days. It's a good thing. Every now and then I'll have a slip up and buy a bag and eat it all in one sitting and be sick for the next 24 hours, lamenting why I do things like that. Sometimes we just need reinforcement, right? So yeah, Simon and I have been trying to make most of our meals at home. I've been really getting into meal prep so that I always have some healthy options available in the fridge. I bought an Instant Pot and I love that thing...I probably use it at least once a week. I bought some new cook books, my favorites being the Run Fast/Eat Slow series from Shalane Flanagan, who used to be a local professional runner here in Flagstaff. I also have the Thug Kitchen books, which have lots of swearing and are all plant-based recipes...not that I'm going vegan or vegetarian, but eating less meat overall is something that I'm working towards. And last but not least, I follow the Pinch of Yum food blog, and I love her recipes so much...haven't found a stinker yet!

2. Do more yoga. Right now Yoga Revolution, the yoga studio I go to, is having their 30-day January challenge, where every class you take and every check-in you make enters you for a raffle at the end of the challenge. Everybody knows I love free stuff, and combining that with my recent love of yoga has gotten me in the studio more than ever this month. I want to keep that up, because yoga just makes me feel so good both mentally and physically. I honestly feel like I'm in the best shape of my life, and I feel like I have yoga to thank for it. My balance is better for skiing, my endurance and breathing is better for running, my form is better for weight lifting. I feel like I'm just more aware of what my body is doing, and how it's doing it, and I feel like the simple mindfulness of yoga has helped me get there. I'm trying to figure out a way to attend some of the yoga workshops...unfortunately their workshops all happen on Saturday afternoons, which is prime sleepy time for me following my regular Friday night shifts. Perhaps I'll start looking at changing up my schedule, because I think attending the workshops will give me some of the one-on-one time that I need to elevate my practice. Overall, this Betterment is already off to a good start. :)

My favorite space these days, Yoga Rev

3. Be more mindful about expenses. As per usual, here is the saving money Betterment. It wouldn't be a New Year's resolution post without it. This is probably my biggest ongoing challenge, as I'm definitely a person who is very much into instant gratification. I think I've mentioned before the high I get from buying things; anything at all from groceries to clothing to dog toys, which is not a good thing. I need to turn my head around and find value in what I'm doing, not what I'm spending. Since the first of the year, outside of a trip to Vegas, my spending has been on point. Outside of treats at a coffee shop, I've only bought myself a $7 tank top off eBay because I had eBay bucks to spend. Unnecessary, yes, as I could have just let the bucks expire, but I wanted a cute flowy top for yoga, and this was a good way to get one without spending much at all. Typically an eBay purchase leads to additional eBay purchases, but it didn't. I haven't been on eBay since. I don't know if you know, but this is huge for me. I've been able to dump a bunch of extra money into the mortgage while still adding money to savings. It's fun to watch the savings account grow and the mortgage amount decline (sooo slowly though). I just need to keep at it. Luckily I've got a thrifty spouse and some really thrifty friends, and their support and guidance has been huge for me. Throw in a few clothing exchanges with my girlfriends and half-price days at Goodwill and Savers and I've found myself the variety that I crave while spending little to no money to have it! I love the thrift stores here in town, and since discovering them I haven't bought a brand-new piece of clothing in months, but I need to limit my time in those as well, because even half-priced t-shirts from the Goodwill add up if left unchecked. It's so easy to overspend when you feel like you're getting a good deal.

Climbing ladders is free!

4. Choose experiences over things. This is really important, especially for me. While most things we do and the places we go entail spending money, there are ways to find value in those things without breaking the bank. For instance, when I go to a National Park, I almost always want to buy a benchmark magnet and a t-shirt to commemorate my visit. Why? I've got enough t-shirts to clothe several households of people, the last thing I need is another t-shirt. Or anything, really. Sometimes I just get in my head that I want something to commemorate a trip, or an experience, or a place; but what I really need is to be in the moment, make some memories, take some pictures, and call it good. I'm still relatively new at this, and continue to work at it. Luckily I've got Simon here encouraging me along the way.

Zip-lining with Simon, my brother, and Tori in Las Vegas

5. Buy a second car? Simon and I go back and forth on this one. To be honest, we really only need a second car during the winter and during monsoon season, and it's relatively rare at that. In the spring, summer, and fall months we can easily get by with the van, his motorcycle, and my scooter. The times that it's been an issue is mostly due to my gym and yoga schedule. I run into town every day if not twice a day to attend classes, which ties up the vehicle for Simon. Living out in Mountainaire has greatly diminished our carpooling opportunities with our in-town friends as well, which is a bit of a bummer but something that we made peace with when we decided to move out here. It would definitely be nice to have something four-wheel drive for going up to the ski hill in the winter. Right now Simon puts chains on the van and while that works, it's not something I'll ever do. I'm pulling the helpless female card on this one...the last thing I want to do is lay down in the cold mud to put chains on the van. I'd just rather not. Does my reluctance to get cold and dirty rationalize thousands of dollars in expense for a second vehicle? Not really...but...a cold and dirty Stefanie is not a happy Stefanie. At this point we're still holding off, but I've got a short of list of vehicles in my head that would be adequate if and when we decide to pull the trigger.

6. Stop running races. A wise woman once told me that retired runners make great bikers. I think I'm nearly there. I think 2019 is going to be my last year of running half marathons. While my races have taken me to some pretty cool places to run with some pretty cool people, it's getting less and less sustainable the older that I get. It's kind of sad, but I think it's time to quit while I can still walk without pain. My body just doesn't tolerate the long distances anymore. And let's be honest, given my excitement for organized races and my extreme reluctance to train for them, it's doubtful that it ever did. I really, really hate training, and couch to half-marathon is a terrible idea, but that's basically what I've been doing for the past few years. Don't get me wrong, I'm an active person and I engage in all sorts of physical activities, but if I don't run, I'm not going to be conditioned for running and eventually I'm going to cause some very real damage to my body. I've gotten pretty good at the run/walk approach to half-marathons, but when the adrenaline hits it's hard to not run when you're surrounded by all the energy and good cheer of the runners around you. I also typically talk other people into signing up for races with me, and unlike me, most of them actually train. Given that I was the initiator, I feel an obligation to keep up with them, and end up running far more and far faster than I typically would. So yeah, I'm looking at 5k and 10k races from here on out. There's a local running group here in town that does a 5k every Monday, starting and ending at a local brewery. Maybe if I can get running with them more consistently, I can re-evaluate my decision to nix the half-marathons. Until then, it looks like my last half-marathons will be Hawaii in April and Yosemite National Park in May...and possibly one in Alaska...thanks for that, Lindsey!

The Sedona 10k with Veronica and Charlotte

7. Hike/Camp more. In December I did a 39-mile backpacking hike with Simon and two of our friends on the Arizona Trail (AZT). It was the longest hike I've ever done. It was through a very beautiful part of Arizona that's slated to be re-routed as they make room for more mining, which is really sad. I'm glad I got to experience it though. We did about 13 miles each day, for 3 days straight. By the end of the hike I was dying, and if it weren't for all the chattering my friend Lindsay and I did over the last five miles, I may have just thrown myself on a century plant and ended it all...hahaha! It was pretty tough, and like my lack of conditioning for running, I wasn't accustomed to walking long distances over varied terrain while carrying 30-plus pounds of stuff on my back. Despite the challenges the hike produced, I absolutely loved it. I loved setting up camp at night and chatting about the things we saw that day, watching the stars come out, what we were going to eat when we got back to civilization. It was amazing being out in the wilderness and seeing almost no other human beings for miles and hours on end. It was so quiet and peaceful, which is something that's getting harder and harder to find these days with so much easy access to the wilderness. I'm definitely looking forward to the next long slog!

Hiking the AZT with Simon, Nick, and Lindsay

8. Foster cattle dogs and/or pugs. As some of you know, I attempted to adopt a cattle dog last fall, which was a pretty big fail, but an excellent and somewhat scary learning experience. I went into it thinking that it would be like adopting my previous cattle dog, Lady, who was so incredibly easy. I should have known that no two dogs are alike. I should have known that I was introducing this dog to Cooper far too quickly without taking the proper steps to make sure that they were safely and properly introduced. Luckily we realized quickly that it wasn't going to work out and ensured the safety of my little dude. I felt horribly about it. I had reached out to a friend of mine who fosters cattle dogs for a cattle dog rescue here in town, and she was very helpful and encouraged me to not give up on cattle dogs, that maybe this dog just wasn't the right dog. It's hard to know what that dog's background was or why she behaved the way she did. I reached out to the cattle dog rescue and am currently fostering a very sweet little girl named Kiki. She's a Shar-Pei cattle dog mix, and she's absolutely wonderful. She's been the perfect addition to our little family, and she's restored in me some of the confidence I lost when I had to return the other dog. It's hard to not fall in love with these little buggers and keep them all, but I'm going to do my best! Part of the reason I want to foster versus just outright adopt, is that I'm not really sure if I want another dog at this point. Cooper is still trucking along and doing well, but he's going to be 15 years old this year and it's only realistic to assume that he's got a year or so left with us, maybe not even that. After he's gone we might just want to be dogless for a bit, although I'm wondering how well I'll be able to handle that. I've had a dog in the house pretty much all my life. They bring me so much happiness and a sense of purpose, and they definitely curb my loneliness, and I think I would miss that if we didn't have a furry little buddy in the house. To bridge the gap to that decision, I think fostering dogs is the perfect solution. I get to help dogs find their forever homes, and I get to do so in an environment that isn't a shelter, which is so stressful for them. I can help people make a decision on whether or not a particular dog might be a good fit for their home, and their home a good fit for that dog. I'll have the advantage of actually knowing what a dog is like, rather than at the shelter where they know very little to nothing at all about a dog. I don't mean it to sound like I'm knocking shelters in any way, shape, or form; I actually used to work in a shelter and they are absolutely necessary and they do amazing work with what they're given, but they do have their limitations when it comes to making sure an animal is placed in a home with the highest chance of success. So we'll see how it goes. So far with Kiki it's going great. I can't imagine a better dog for our first foster. I've been dabbling with the idea of fostering a pug as well, but we'll see about that...pugs are a whole different animal!

Cooper and our foster dog, Kiki

9. Blog more. Of course this Betterment always has a spot. I love blogging. I don't know why I don't do it more. Sometimes I think the creativity factor isn't there, sometimes I'm just not in the mood, sometimes I just don't have anything to say. Sometimes my best ideas come to me on the fringes of sleep, only to be completely forgotten by morning. But I do enjoy it when I do it, so I should make a point to try to do it more. It seems like people enjoy reading my blogs as well, especially those who live far away and wonder what I'm up to, so I guess I should keep that in mind when I'm in a slump.


10. Ride my bike more. Since I'm planning to get out of running, I'm thinking that I should probably have something to replace it. Biking seems like a logical next step. I currently have a mountain bike and a fat bike/snow bike. While I used to be pretty gung-ho about mountain biking, it's definitely lost it's appeal for me over the past year. The danger factor and the risk for injury is never far from my thoughts when I'm out there on the bike, and that takes away from the experience for me. I know that there are easy trails out there that present little to no danger, and maybe I just need to get back to riding those. The trouble is that most of my friends have advanced far past me in their skills and abilities, and I feel bad holding them back to the easy trails. I guess I should just keep in mind that if they truly didn't want to ride with me, they wouldn't, and they wouldn't keep inviting me along on rides if they thought I couldn't do them. I think I just need to find a little more confidence and shed a little more of the fear. However, one thing I've really enjoyed recently is riding on gravel roads with my fat bike. I'm lucky in that I live in a place that has tons of public land, and within that public land is hundreds of miles of gravel roads, perfect for riding. There is a style of biking called gravel riding, where you basically just tear around on gravel roads for miles and miles. There's even races devoted to it, which I've intermittently thought about signing up for. But I don't think it makes much sense to do a gravel race on a fat bike, so I'd need another bike, and owning three bikes right now is just silly. Consider it a work in progress.

The fat bike, the love of my life...after Simon, of course

11. Drink more water. This is one Betterment I think everyone could stand to work on. I sometimes will go an entire day without drinking a single glass of water. Given that I don't drink soda, or coffee, or milk, or anything else really, that typically means that I'm not drinking anything at all. And then I wonder why I have headaches by the end of the day. So I'm working on that. My brother's girlfriend gave me a tumbler for Christmas with images of a pug doing yoga on it, and I've been drinking out of that for the past couple weeks, and I think I've actually been drinking more water because of that silly little cup. A little ridiculous that a cup should make a difference, but that's sometimes how these things are, and for now I'm going with it.

12. Figure out my scrapbook situation. So I've been saving ticket stubs, cards, photos, ribbons, and all manner of memorabilia from trips I've gone on, events I've attended, and places I've visited. I have an entire dresser full of scrapbooking stuff that really, really needs to be addressed. I struggle with the idea of scrapbooking though. Ideally, you scrapbook to have a momento of the places you've gone and the things that you've done, which is a great concept and nice visual reminder of all the fun you've had, and then you pass that book onto someone else when your time on this earth is about up. But what happens when I die and I've got no one to pass them on to? What happens to those books? Is anyone going to want them? Will anyone else find meaning in them or enjoy them? Is it even worth the time spent putting them together only to have them thrown away when I'm gone? I know I'm getting a little existential here, but if I'm going to put forth the effort of doing something, I want to feel like it's worth it. Scrapbooking can be as much or as little work as you want it to be, but in the end you're left with a book full of memories that means something to me, but might not mean a thing to anyone else. I guess if I find value in the books and look at them from time to time once they're finished, it probably doesn't matter what happens to them when I'm gone. At any rate, I need to do something with all that stuff.

Wow...twelve Betterments to work on. That's ambitious. Hopefully I can do better this year than I did last year. Given that I've already started on some of the Betterments, I'm already off to a good start. Here's to keeping at it, and having the best 2019 that I can. :)         

2018 Recap

Dang, it's been a slow year here for the blog posts, which isn't to say that nothing really happened in 2018...quite the opposite, really.  If you recall, I started out 2018 with a list of Betterments for myself, and I was doing all right up until about March, which isn't nothing, but it's nothing to brag about either.

One of the biggest accomplishments of 2018 was that Simon and I purchased our first home together. It's monumental really, given Simon's intense aversion to debt (but it's good debt, right??). It's a cute little log cabin in the neighborhood of Mountainaire, which is right outside Flagstaff. It's 1,100 square feet of pure cuteness, and has been such a great space for us to be. It's perched at the top of a rather precarious hill, but contrary to my initial reservations with a 2 wheel-drive vehicle, has been easy enough to get to the top of in inclement winter weather. It's got a great outdoor space, and the previous owners did a great job of setting us up with some very minimal and easy to manage landscaping. I was so excited to see a patch of irises come up this spring in the front yard. One of my favorite things about the cabin is the woodstove...it's so warm and cozy and has made winter that much more bearable. I'm still working on my fire-starting skills, which are hindered by the fact that I'm too lazy to cut kindling and try to start whole logs on fire using nothing but paper. Luckily Simon usually gets out of bed before me so he starts the majority of the fires (with kindling, because he likes any opportunity to use his hatchet). Needless to say, we love our new place and it was the perfect change that we needed after living and renting in Flagstaff for five and a half years. I guess this means we're staying here for a while. :)

Another big change for us in 2018 was selling our beloved but problematic camper van, BAVerly. She was a heartbreak kid, let me tell you. We learned several things during our two years with her, namely the most important one being that we will never, ever, ever, ever own a Mercedes ever again, nor will we ever recommend one to any of our friends. Say what you want about the reliability of luxury automobile manufacturers, when they start going downhill, they go fast and they take your savings account with them. We did have a lot of fun with her and she gave us some really cool experiences while she was with us, but her reliability had become sketchy at best and I wasn't sad in the least to see her go. We also traded in our Jeep for a minivan, an idea that was spearheaded by Simon, believe it or not. I was shocked, to be honest, as I've been joking for years about how we should get a minivan because they are the perfect multi-purpose vehicle. After having the minivan for most of 2018, we can definitely say that's absolutely true. From camping to road trips to Home Depot runs to gathering firewood to hauling carloads of friends, there's very little that this van can't do. Granted, it's not an exciting vehicle, but it gets the job done and we're pretty pleased with it.

In the spring of this year I fell in love with a Surly Moonlander, which is a fat bike, otherwise known as a snowbike to those who are disdainful of the very existence of fat bikes. To simplify matters, a fat bike is just a regular bike with really big tires. They can roll through mud, sand, and snow like a breeze, and can roll over just about anything that gets in their path. And oh my goodness how fun they are to ride. I think it's all the bouncing from those massive tires. Maybe some people don't like bouncing, but I get a kick out of it...hahaha! I don't think I've had this much fun on a bike since I was a little kid. I literally giggle and have a permanent smile on my face the whole time I'm riding. When I was still living in town, I commuted everywhere on that bike, and even though it loses speed pretty quickly on hills, I didn't care a bit because it was so much fun. As an aside, those big tires make so much noise that it sounds like a jet taking off...I love the sound of them! If you haven't ridden one, I highly recommend it!

Spring also marked the crash and burn of one of my very closest friendships (also a roommate) here in Flagstaff, and it's something that I'm still working through. I never thought at 38 years old that I would be having epic friendship fall outs, and thus found myself completely unprepared for the mental and emotional struggles that it presented. Being a relatively open, fair, compromising person, I was also unprepared for the struggles of living with a person who is not. At one point towards the end of things I attempted to have a meaningful conversation with this friend, and rather than being reciprocal in my approach, she proceeded to unload 18 months worth of harbored resentments on me in one fell swoop, the majority of which I was hearing for the very first time, reducing us to a screaming disaster that went on for hours. Those of you who know me best and have had the misfortune of seeing me at my worst know that even at my very worst, I'm not a screamer. That just isn't the way I resolve conflicts, but it's the way this person resolves her conflicts. I was ashamed and angry and incredibly frustrated that she was able to bring me down to her level, and for a long time I blamed myself entirely for that. I tried very hard to resolve things, to change my behavior so as not to upset her, but eventually I realized that I was giving 110% and getting nothing in return but more negativity. My friendship with her was also negatively affecting my relationships with those around me. I was surly, I was depressed, I was withdrawn, and I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. I escalated immediately to the smallest of infractions, and held onto that anger for far longer than was necessary. I would lay in bed with the covers over my head waiting for her to leave the house, wondering all the while what I had done to deserve to be treated so poorly. I knew that the friendship had to go when Simon approached me and told me that my efforts to salvage the friendship were negatively affecting our marriage. I had been putting so much mental and emotional energy into saving the friendship that I had nothing left for anyone else. So I let it go. I wish it were actually that simple, but in a nutshell, and with a little help, that's what I did.

Which brings me to another new facet of 2018. I went to counseling for the first time. In the process of letting go of the toxic friendship, I had a lot of unresolved anger, frustration, guilt, and anxiety. Anger over the way I was treated, frustration at my response to it, guilt over giving up on the friendship, and anxiety about seeing this person out and about and not knowing what my reaction to her might be. Truth be told, I was afraid that my anger and frustration would cause me to unpredictably say or do something that I might regret, and that's the last thing that I wanted. At my first session, I explained why I was there and what I hoped to gain from seeking therapy. Let's be honest, it was a lot of "she did this" and "she said that" and a complete recapping of everything about her and our interactions that had made me so upset and angry. What surprised me the most is that the therapist didn't comment much on my retelling of my woes about my failed friendship, but instead shifted the focus of my energy into looking inward at myself and at what makes me a good person deserving of love, affection, and friendship; in turn she helped me to recognize the qualities of individuals who are deserving of those things from me, and to distinguish them from those who are not. She also gave me some tools for bringing myself back down during an escalation, and helped me to divert some of that negative energy and anger into something more positive. Overall, it was really good, and actually the techniques used and the changes that were made were very simple. It just goes to show that you don't know what you don't know, and that admitting you need help is the first step in helping yourself out.

Here's a little tidbit that I struggled with in regards to therapy. I lost a friendship and was having a hard time dealing with it. There was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "You're 38 years old and a friendship went belly up. Poor you. As if that's a legitimate problem compared to other problems in the world." I almost talked myself out of therapy over those thoughts. But here's the thing...it's my life, and I want to live my best life, and not knowing how to deal with my anger was having a very real and very negative affect on my attempt at living my best life. So yes, while falling out of a friendship isn't the same as being abused, or having a mental illness, or an addiction, my happiness and my well-being were very much affected by my emotional state. Our reality is our reality, and it's up to us to seek out the tools to make our lives as good as they can possibly be. If that means seeking out therapy for issues both big and small, that's what it means. I would also like to Northern Arizona Healthcare for providing therapy sessions through our Employee Assistance Program. Had I been responsible for paying for the therapy sessions myself, I probably would have put off going longer than I had, or I wouldn't have gone at all.

You know the best part about all of this? The blossoming of all the friendships that have come about with the demise of the toxic one. I hadn't realized how much of myself I had been withholding from other people until that one person who had been consuming all my energy was suddenly gone from my life. It was a total 'can't the see the forest for the trees' kind of realization, and it felt so incredibly good to not only have seemingly endless amounts of energy to give to people, but to be open to receive it in return.   

So I've been mentioning energy a lot, and I think that stems from another new facet of 2018 for me. I started going to yoga. I'd been dabbling in yoga for years and just never really liked it. There was always an excuse for that...I didn't like the instructor, I didn't like the space, I was physically incapable of getting into some of the poses, it didn't feel like a workout the way going to the gym did, the meditation portion seemed stupid and there were so many other things I could have been doing while I was just lying there on the floor breathing. Some of you are nodding along with me because I know you've had the same experience with yoga. I think what turned things around for me was finding a studio that I liked, and most importantly, finding an instructor that I liked. As with anything challenging, having the right support makes all the difference. I go to Yoga Revolution here in Flagstaff. Not going to lie, prior to their studio opening, they ran a strong Instagram campaign. I couldn't log in without seeing one of their promotional ads, featuring either a distinguished looking tattooed bearded man in Buddy Holly glasses (Dave), or a tall skinny blonde woman with pink streaks in her hair wearing cowboy boots and a blissful smile on her face (Staci). I was intrigued. So I went. First off, the space really speaks to me on a personal level. They keep the lights low, they have candles burning at the front of the room, and best of all, it's heated (but not too hot) by these wonderful heaters in the ceiling that give off a warm, comforting glow. I think for me, I needed to separate myself from the idea that yoga is a workout in the traditional sense, and this dark, warm, comfy space allows me to do that. Yoga definitely is a workout, but it's so much more than that. At the beginning, I really struggled both mentally and physically, which was to be expected. My flexibility was almost non-existent, and my attention span waxed and waned, and yes, for those first few sessions, I was definitely making a grocery list in my head during the mediation portion at the end of class, but I kept going, and I kept telling myself (with inspiration from Staci), that I had no where else to be, that this hour of yoga was just for me, and that most of all, I deserved this time for myself. Believe it or not, it worked. I'd be sitting there on my mat at the beginning of class, bombarded by thoughts of what else I could be doing, what I needed to be doing, grocery lists, errands to run, bills to pay, places to go, worries about everything from family to friends to finances, anxieties about personal interactions, misgivings about going to work that evening; after a while I was able to push all that away and just focus on the fact that I had an hour to myself to stretch and breathe and move and share a space with people who were doing the exact same thing. In a word, two words really, it was life changing. I am so thankful to Yoga Revolution and their fantastic line-up of instructors who inspire me, who gently guide me along, who encourage me, and who give me the time and the space to do something good for myself. I don't know that I'll ever be able to do a handstand or the splits (maybe something to add to Betterments 2019?), but I'm okay with that, and most of all, I'm not disappointed by that. In the words of Staci, 'You do you,' and everything else is extra.

Simon and I took so many trips in 2018 that there are almost too many to list, but I'll do it anyway. Key West, Hawaii, New Orleans, Death Valley National Park, Oklahoma City, Telluride (twice), Minnesota (three times), Rocky Mountain National Park, Grand Canyon North Rim (twice), Grand Canyon South Rim (twice), Minnesota State Fair, and Joshua Tree National Park. I ran a bunch of races again this year, including: Key West Half Marathon, New Orleans Best Damn Race half marathon, Brian Michelson 10k, Rocky Mountain National Park half marathon and 5k, Imogene Pass Run, and Joshua Tree National Park half marathon. Simon and I also did our longest backpacking hike to date: 39 miles over three days on the Arizona Trail just east of Phoenix. We got to see so many of our friends and family who live near and far, and we've had several people come visit us in our new home. I got to see my friends Tara and Heather graduate from nursing school; we saw some of our favorite bands at the Orpheum here in town, including Cold War Kids and Trampled by Turtles; I learned how to make candles and how to crochet, two things I am not good at but had fun trying; I spent a lot of time at the ski hill trying to get better and mostly succeeding; I did some mountain biking and have mostly determined that it's probably not the sport for me; I attended two wine and paint nights and while my painting skills are nothing to write home about, it was a lot of fun; we went snow biking for the first time on New Year's Eve, which was an absolute blast.

The @alicepicklebottoms account on Instagram continues to flourish. I think it's funny that an entire account devoted to people taking pictures with their pants down continues to draw interest, but I'm thankful for it as well as that account has given me plenty of giggles along the way. I'm impressed by the number of people who willingly play along and send me their mooning pictures from all over the world. United by butts. Who knew??

 All in all, 2018 was a pretty great year with lots of learning, fun trips, great friends, and it set us up nicely for so many things to look forward to in the coming year. Keep on the lookout for my 2019 Betterments post, coming soon!

   

The Rescue Blues

It's the wee hours of the morning, and I can't sleep.

It's 1am and I have a sweet little cattle dog sitting next to me, nudging my forearm every now and again for pets.  Her name is Alice, renamed from her original name of Buckie, that she was given by the humane society here in Flagstaff. I felt like Buckie sounded too much like a boy name, and that she deserved something a little more dignified and befitting to her ladylike demeanor. I also think that human names for animals are hilarious, and given that Alice would most likely have been my first choice had I had a little human girl of my own, I figured giving the name to a dog was fitting.

There wasn't much backstory for Alice. She was a stray that was brought in to the humane society. She has a docked tail and wasn't spayed, and could quite possibly have been a breeder, as I'm pretty sure she's a pure-bred Blue Heeler. A Texas Spotted, according to the gal at the boarding kennel we had her housed at for a few days while we were out of town. She knows how to sit, and does it readily and happily, particularly if she thinks you might be harboring a treat somewhere on your person. And even if you don't, she will still run right up to you and sit anyway. She seems incredibly intelligent and very eager to please. I'm pretty sure my roommate was almost 90% successful in training her to rollover in just a few attempts. I set up a crate and she immediately went into it and laid down. This dog had to have belonged to someone at some point; how she ended up at the humane society, I guess we'll never know. She has a funny little chuffing cough and doesn't seem to be able to bark, despite all appearances that she's trying. She's absolutely beautiful, with a speckled grey coat and a smattering of white across her nose. She has one solid little black spot on her short little nub of a tail, which always seems to be wagging and wiggling. She's definitely got that intense heeler personality, and made her rounds last evening when the three of us in the house happened to be in separate rooms. She's quick moving, but also readily relaxes once she's ascertained that everything is as it should be. She's a little jumpy, which I think is to be expected given her breed and her recent situation at the shelter, and isn't a huge fan of having her paws touched. Upon entering the house, she went to every window and popped up to look out to see what there was to see. She does the heeler lean, slumping into your legs while being petted, staring adoringly into your eyes, begging you to never stop.

She really didn't pay too much attention to Cooper, nor he to her. She met my neighbor and coworker Steff, who happened to be out on a walk with her little boy and was totally rocking a new pixie cut. She went right up to the little guy, game him a sniff, and reveled in his affections. Alice seems to really like Simon quite a bit, following him from place to place like a little shadow. Ironic, really, given that he doesn't like dogs all that much but tolerates me having them because he knows they make me happy. 

Last night Alice attacked Cooper. I had just given her her nightly antibiotic pill. Looking back, it was incredibly stupid on my part to have given her that in front of him, as he immediately followed her to investigate what tasty nibble she had gotten. She gave all the warning signs for him to back off...bared her teeth, growled low in her throat, and held her head low over the remains of the peanut butter treat I had hidden the pill in. Cooper is deaf and mostly blind, and whether he picked up on her signs or not, she didn't give him time to deliberate and was on him in a second. I was maybe three feet away at the time, seeing what was coming but powerless to stop it. It happened so incredibly fast, and it took three of us to pull her off of him. There was a moment there where I thought that not only was she going to bite my roommate, who fearlessly and immediately jumped right into the middle of it, but that she was going to kill my little dog right there in front of me.

Earlier this spring I saw my neighbor's pug mauled nearly to death by a roving neighborhood dog. I was, and still am, incredibly traumatized by bearing witness to that. Luckily the little pug survived, but just barely. Over the years I've caught plenty of nature shows, and have seen just how brutal animals can be to each other, but it was always through a screen; there was always a degree of separation that didn't prepare me for seeing something brutally mauled right in front of my face. Everything I felt that day came rushing back to me in an instant as I cuddled Cooper on the couch afterwards, looking him over from head to toe to make sure that he was okay. Given how brutal the attack appeared to me, Cooper seemed rather nonplussed, and was his usual resistant self when all I wanted was for him to sit on my lap and give me comfort. Funny that, he's the one who gets attacked and I'm the one needing to be comforted. I felt so terrible about the whole thing that I was physically nauseated and couldn't bear to eat, despite the fact that my roommate had made some pretty amazing macaroni and cheese in the Instant Pot. If you know me at all, you know I don't miss a meal for anything, and I never skip the opportunity to eat mac and cheese.

I know that there are dog psychologists and trainers, and that she probably just needs more time, and that there's so much to learn about resource guarding and adding another member to the pack, but I just can't stand the thought that she might someday really hurt or even kill my little buddy, or that she might hurt one of us as we try to keep her from hurting him. The fact that she attacked him makes me wonder how she'll be with other dogs. They told me at the shelter that she was good with other dogs, but how could they really know? Having worked in a shelter in the past, I know that the shelter environment is no place to gauge an animal's personality. I should have spent more time with her before comitting to the adoption. I should have slept on it. I should have listened to Simon's hesitations.

There's a big part of me that feels like I'm not trying hard enough, that this is just another example of me rushing into a decision without the proper forethought and planning, which has become such a predictable and classic character flaw for me. I feel like such a failure. It wasn't fair of me to have trusted her so implicitly so soon. This is all relatively new for her...we're new, Cooper is new, the house is new...she's experiencing everything with us for the first time, just as we are with her. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm in way over my head, and I feel like the longer I wait, the more opportunity and inevitability there is for her to hurt Cooper. I have little doubt in my mind that she will attack him again, most likely over something food related. The thought of feeding them in the morning is now terrifying. I certainly can't trust them alone, and after the attack I won't let Cooper out of my sight for even a second. I've come to the conclusion that I just can't keep her. I don't know how I would live with myself knowing that I brought this other dog into the house who hurt my loyal little companion of 14 years. He doesn't deserve that, he didn't ask for it, and I think given the choice, he'd be perfectly content to remain an only dog for whatever time he has left here with us. 

So I'm sitting up tonight with this beautiful little girl while she sleeps all curled up in a pet bed next to me, softly snoring and sighing. I feel like I owe her that much and probably more, knowing that this coming morning will be our last day together, that I will be returning her to the shelter from which she came, in the hopes that maybe she'll be a fantastic dog for a different family. Maybe if I didn't have Cooper, things would be different. But I do have him, and I will continue to have him, and it's not right or fair for me to compromise his safety on a whim. I really wanted this to work out so badly, I was so excited to have an adventure dog, but I guess maybe this just isn't the right time, and maybe she's just not the right dog. But this is Flagstaff, everyone goes nuts over their heelers in this town, and I know she'll be a great addition to someone else's pack. I wish she could have been for ours.

Gratitudes

I'd just like to take a moment to thank all the people who have recently had such a positive impact on my life. These past few months have been tough for me, as I had been dealing with a relationship in my personal life that had been making me incredibly stressed and unhappy. For the most part, I did the best I could to try to make the best of it, to change it where I could, to try to find understanding, and to just get through it with the majority of my sanity intact. I didn't realize until recently how much this relationship was affecting pretty much all aspects of my life. I was withdrawn, I was sad, I was angry, I was frustrated, and I was incredibly negative. I was also upset with myself for letting this relationship affect me the way that it did. I have always considered myself to be a strong person, to shrug off negativity, and to move on when things had played themselves out, but this situation was different, and it was something that I hadn't dealt with before.

It took me a while to realize how sad, lonely, and depressed I was feeling, and how those feelings were taking over my life. Let's be honest...we all have sad, lonely days, and they're definitely not something that most of us post about on Facebook or Instagram, but the reality of the situation is that they happen to each and every one of us, and sometimes we've got the right tools to deal with them, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're comfortable reaching out and asking for help, and sometimes we're not. Sometimes we just lay in bed with the covers over our heads and hope that somehow, magically, our negative situations will just work themselves out. Sometimes we don't even realize how sad we are until our situation dramatically changes.

I've always been a strong proponent of the idea that if there's something about your life that you don't like, then do everything you can to change it. Sounds simple enough, but the fact of the matter is that change isn't easy, and sometimes it takes a significant amount of time and energy for it come about. There are sacrifices, compromises, and losses along the way that all play a factor, and sometimes their merit isn't always obvious amongst the struggles. I've learned that if a relationship is worth saving, sometimes there are hard conversations that need to be had, and there is a certain amount of mutual respect, patience, and compromise that needs to be present in order for those conversations to be successful. Winning an argument is not the same thing as standing up for yourself, and it's really important that both parties understand that, or nothing will change and the negativity will endure. Sometimes those relationships get to the point where they are no longer salvageable, and it becomes time to walk away, difficult as that may be.  

About a month ago Simon and I moved into our new house, and since then, everything has changed for the better. I'm not saying that in order to positively change their situation a person needs to empty their savings account, buy a little cabin in the pines, and move to a neighborhood that offers little more than a tiny general store and a tavern, but apparently it was the change that I so desperately needed. I feel like this move and this house were a welcome and important reset button for me. 

So in no particular order, here are my gratitudes to all of you who have brought recent happiness into my life. Please understand that your kindness, regardless of how small or insignificant you might find it to be, made a world of difference to me, and I'm hoping that from here on out I'm able to do the same for you and for others.

Thanks to Nick for letting me tag along on your fire tower adventures, and for slowing down your pace for me since I would otherwise not be able to keep up.

Thanks to my brother Mikey for the Minnesota care package...the Top the Tator, Old Dutch potato chips, and Surly are such a welcome little taste of home.

Thanks to my cousin Brian for letting me know that you were in the area so we could hang out, catch up, and share some fantastic margaritas at Elote.

Thanks to Sonia, Ggrant, Cedar, and Aspen for coming to our house and having dinner with us. Also a special thanks to Aspen for feeling comfortable to enough to poop in our potty...that was an incredible compliment! Also, that fruit salad? To die for!

Thanks to the staff at the Mountainaire Tavern. Despite the fact that most of you are Packer fans, you've been nothing but kind to us every time that we've been in, even after you found out that we hail from Minnesota.

Thanks to Becky and Brenda for being such amazing and understanding landlords, and for accommodating and supporting us as we purchased our home months prior to the end of our lease.

Thanks to Ryan for organizing the night bike ride at Wupatki on the almost-full moon...that was such an amazing experience with amazing people, and I can't wait to do it again.

Thanks to Surly for making the Moonlander, and to Mick at for SMR for getting me such an incredible deal on it. I've never had so much fun on a bike.

Thanks to Summer for suffering through your first bootcamp class with me. I wish I could say that it gets easier (it doesn't), but it'll definitely start to feel better!

Thanks to Ellen for being there, always. I feel like a friendship like ours is rare, and I hope you know how much I cherish our time together, even when it's something as simple as just sending Happy Birthday balloons back and forth over text.

Thanks to Amy for being Amy. Your positivity and silliness are so incredibly admirable, and I love that about you. Also, you have fantastic taste in sweaters.

Thanks to Kate for being my nemesis. You know deep down you've got a special place in my heart.

Thanks to Lindsey for coming out to ride bikes, for being up for just about anything, and for showing us the wonder that is Priest Draw, which has been in our backyard this whole time.

Thanks to my brother Chris for calling and talking to me on the phone, despite the fact that you hate talking on the phone.

Thanks to Steven, Becki, and Alisa for such a smooth transition into our new house. We love our little log cabin so much!

Thanks to Emily for being our very first house guest, and for giving me some good advice on hiking in the Grand Canyon.

Thanks to Kaitlyn for sending me pictures of you on your wedding day. I was so bummed that it didn't work out for me to come home for it, but you still made me feel like I was a part of your special day.

Thanks to Nick for helping us move into our new home...your muscles and your positive attitude are everything.

Thanks to Charlotte for being such a great listener, and for changing the subject when it needed to be changed. Your perception, your understanding, and your patience are so valuable.

Thanks to my parents for giving me such a passion for road trips, a sense of adventure, some solid common sense, and excitement about minivans. I'm looking forward to seeing you again in July! 

Thanks to Jan and Thomas for lending a hand, offering advice, trying out new recipes on us, putting up with my camping black cloud, and for being the best surrogate parents we could ever ask for. Thanks also for the beautiful chairs...they are our favorite pieces of furniture.

Thanks to Deb for the generous gift for our new home. We can't wait for you to come visit!

Thanks to Shasta for inviting me to the Naked Lady Party...aka, the clothing exchange where I scored some sweet Frye boots, a beautiful turquoise ring, and got to enjoy the company of some really fantastic women.

Thanks to Staci at Yoga Revolution for providing some of the best yoga classes I've ever attended (with the most amazing playlists!), and for just letting me sit in child's pose when everyone else is doing handstands because I'm still too scared to try...I'll get there someday!!

Thanks to my aunts, uncles, and cousins for our wonderful, albeit short, time together in Oklahoma City over Memorial Day weekend. I miss our big gatherings so much.

Thanks to Kelly for being my rock, for being a great walking buddy, for always being willing to listen to me, for matching me in decibel levels, and for not judging when those IPAs catch up with me, as they frequently do.

Thanks to Andy for being such an amazing presence at work, and for talking me into going out for pancakes after a night in the trenches. I look forward to more adventures and maybe a ritual sacrifice as part of our initiation into the e-bike gang.

Thanks to Dana for reaching out to me when you were sad. Sometimes shared sadness makes things better, if only for a little bit. I miss you a lot, and I hope that we get to travel somewhere fun together this year.

Thanks to Tisha, Chris, James, and Madison for the camping trip at Marshal Lake...I enjoyed that so much, and can't wait for more camping adventures and walk-abouts with your kiddos. 

Thanks to Staus and Sarah for your laughs, the bike rides, the board games, your incredible kindness, and for fostering a new and wonderful friendship.

Thanks to Cooper for the giggles, the reluctant snuggles, the constant zeal for napping, the comforting snores, the ever present companionship, the awkward leaping when being picked up, and the unconditional love.

Thanks to Joan for the coffee, the peppers, and for the wonderful conversation.

Thanks to Heather for being such a wonderful Capstone student! You're going to be a fantastic nurse, and the Ortho unit is lucky to have you...although I'm still hoping that we can find a way to steal you away from them.

Thanks to Dana and Eric for being two of the most interesting and wonderful people we've met in a long time. We're looking forward to following along on your Canadian adventures, and hope to see you next summer and maybe share a plate of poutine and talk about bats. 

Thanks to David and Denice for being two of the best people I know. Your relationship with each other is one that I've always admired, respected, and aspired to. I love the random check-ins and the pictures of your kiddos. I'm also really looking forward to David's mustache at our race this summer.

Thanks to Franko for always being just a text or a phone call away. You're one of my oldest and best friends, and I think about you often and miss you more.

Thanks to Jen and Scott for always making time for us despite being two of the busiest people we know. And thanks for always shedding light on the world of Marvel and DC, multiverses that I can barely comprehend but still very much enjoy.

Thanks to Jesse for always being such a goofy bastard. Just the sight of you sauntering around the cafeteria in the middle of the night makes my day. Thanks also for the firepit...hopefully we'll get to use it this summer!

Thanks to Elizabeth for sending us one of our very first pieces of snail mail at our new address...your letters are always a welcome bit of sunshine.

Thanks to Travis for the whiskey and for making us a pit stop on your way from Gunnison to San Diego...it was so wonderful to catch up! Our driveway is your driveway, and I'm looking forward to visiting you in Colorado and maybe doing some fishing!

And last but certainly not least, thanks to Simon for always being the voice of reason, the source of the best hugs, for getting me out of the house, for supporting my ups and downs, and for making the best breakfasts. I don't know where I would go, who I would be, or what I would do without you. I think I truly would have completely lost my shit these past few months if not for you. I know it wasn't easy, and I'm so thankful for your patience, your guidance, and your rationality. I'm sorry I'm such an epic pain in the ass, but after 11 years you're still here with me, and I'm so grateful for that.

For everyone else, because I'm sure I've missed some gratitudes along the way, know that your presence, your smiles, your patience, your phone calls, texts, and letters, and your laughs were a bright light in a dark time, and I'm so thankful for each and every one of you.

January Betterments Recap

Well, January has come and gone and it's time to take stock of the Betterments. I can't say that I was 100% successful in obtaining all of them, but I did my best and here's where I stand as we head into February. Truth be told, I've got two windows open, one with the original blog and one with this new entry so that I can remember what my Betterments actually were...hahaha! Not to say that I don't remember what they were, but nine Betterments is a lot to keep track of, even for me. So here goes.

1. Reduce Spending: So this one was tough, given that in January I went to both Key West and Hawaii, both trips planned prior to the enactment of the Betterments. However, and I say this with some degree of confidence, I spent way less on both of those trips than I previously would have. I even added some of my expenditures from Key West and Hawaii to my expenditures log, and even with those expenses, I came up with about $305 of "incidental" expenses that were deemed unnecessary. For me, that's huge, because if there's one thing that I'm really good at, it's spending money on things I want but don't necessarily need. So what were my incidental expenditures? Well, I found two pairs of running shoes that I like on sale for $21.00 each...these shoes normally retail at $135 a pair and they are being discontinued, so I thought that was a legitimate expense, but not a necessary expense, so onto the list they went. I bought a souvenir t-shirt in Key West, and if there's anyone who does not need another t-shirt, it's me. I bought some random things at Target, I bought a disgusting hot chocolate up at Snowbowl, I ordered chicken tenders and fries at the bowling alley when I could have just eaten prior to going out, I bought some hand soap that was a discontinued winter scent because I love it so much, and there were a couple Starbucks purchases in there. I know it sounds nitpicky, and it could be argued that these expenses are pretty marginal, really, but it's the marginal expenses that nickel-and-dime people to death. I didn't have three $100 unnecessary expenditures, I had twelve unnecessary expenditures that ranged in price from $1.50 to $105.00. The whole point of keeping track of these expenditures, both big and small, is to remind myself to start spending differently, to start spending smartly, to get into my head what is necessary, and what is not.

2. Increase Savings/Start Investing: I knocked it out of the park on this one. While I didn't add to my investments, I did manage to squirrel away $2,000.00 into my savings account in the month of January. That's huge for me, as in previous months I was putting away at most, $500.00 a month, which isn't nothing, but by reducing my incidental expenditures, I was able to put a significant amount of money away for that down payment on a house that I'm going to be making in a few months. Or, you know, spending $700 to have my dog's teeth cleaned next month (is that an unnecessary incidental expenditure??).

3. Sell the Van: This is a work in progress. We've had a few bites and have a very interested party coming to look at it this weekend. Fingers crossed!

4. Commit to a Low-Carb Diet: Given the aforementioned trips from above, this one has been a bit of a struggle, but diet be damned if I thought I was going to go all the way to Key West and deny myself conch fritters, ice cream cones, and margaritas. While I might be up a couple pounds after these two trips, and I can't rationalize away the fact that I was pretty active on these trips while simultaneously shoving my face with all kinds of deliciousness, my dietary choices have been on my mind and truth be told, they have been driving some of the choices that I make when it comes to food. When I'm at work, I'm rock solid. I have all manner of little containers of meat and cheese, a low-carb entree of some description, bell pepper slices, apples with peanut butter, cherry tomatoes, and hard-boiled eggs. I don't vary too much from these particular foods as they satisfy my hunger cravings at night and don't leave me feeling nauseated, which is the case with a lot of foods that I used to gravitate towards in the middle of the night (ahem, chicken fingers in the cafeteria...I'm talking about you!). At the end of the day, I want to eat better, and I'm making an honest effort to do so, but I really love food, and when I'm traveling, part of the experience is trying out the local cuisine. So while I don't actually feel bad about the conch fritters, the ice cream cones, the poke bowl, or the margaritas, I'm making a point to not indulge too frequently in those things.

5. Drink Less Coffee: Again, I did really well with this one. I've been drinking a lot of tea and I rarely, if ever, add any sweetener to it. If I do add sweetener, it's usually a small amount of locally sourced honey. I've actually been looking for tea that has licorice root in it, as licorice root has a naturally sweet taste without the added sugar. A side effect of not drinking coffee much anymore is that I've kind of lost my taste for it. The last few times I've had coffee I've been decidedly underwhelmed by it unless it has copious amounts of cream, sugar, and/or chocolate in it. I also noticed that it upsets my stomach more now than it used to. The important thing is that I don't miss the coffee, which is something that I was worried about when I decided to start cutting it out, so that's been refreshing.

6. Exercise More: Also a work in progress. I've been pretty good about getting to the gym on the days that I'm available to do so, but two trips and night shift were some pretty significant barriers to this. I have a lot of workout equipment at home as far as weights and such, but I hate working out at home. We don't have an inspiring place in our home to workout, and we have two very curious dogs who like to investigate what I'm doing whilst in the middle of exercising, particularly if I'm on the floor for any reason. I had briefly thought about buying some of that gym mat stuff and making a little corner of the garage into a workout space, but there just isn't room, and who wants to work out in a garage anyway? Excuses, excuses...going for a run requires zero equipment...I keep telling myself that and still I don’t run. One change I'm making going forward is loosely scheduling my work shifts around my gym schedule, since I'm really good about going to classes when I'm not working. Given that I don't like to work 3 shifts in a row anymore, breaking them up in the interest of working out is a nice compromise.

7. Start My Own IVs at the Hospital: Crazy as it sounds, I haven't actually had a whole lot of opportunity for this. The last few patients I've had who needed new IV's requested that the vascular access team do it, rather than let me try. So yeah...not much to be done about that, but I'm still committed to starting IVs when I can and when the patient is willing.

8. Start Bike Commuting: Ha...haven't even started this yet. But I think about it...that counts, right? I just listed two of my bikes for sale on Craigslist this afternoon, so hopefully I'll get some bites and can put that money towards a nice commuter bike. It's still too cold out for my taste, even though it's unseasonably warm here in Flagstaff...hahaha!

9. Resume Writing in my Gratitude Journal: I've been really good about this, and I've been enjoying spending a few minutes each day to think about the things I'm grateful for, the positive energy I can manifest throughout my day, and thinking back on the things that went well that day. It's funny how just putting a positive spin on your thinking can improve your outlook exponentially. I have The 5 Minute Journal and I really like it. Check it out if you're looking to add some positivity to your day. :)

So there it is. My Betterments, my successes, and my shortcomings laid bare for all to see. I hope that you have been having as much luck or more with your own personal Betterments for this year. :)

New Year's Betterments

It's that time of year again when most people are thinking about their New Year's Resolutions. I've always hated the term 'resolution.' It's not all that pretty of a word to say, and it sounds so final, all or nothing, if you will. I've had it in my head that a resolution carries with it an inherent threat of failure.  I recently looked up the definition of resolution, and it doesn't quite mean what I thought it meant. It means "a firm decision to do or to not do something" or "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter." So rather than thinking of it as a noun (a thing which is or isn't), which I had previously done, it has a little bit more application as a verb. So now I get to think of Resolutions in a marginally better light, although I still don't like the sound of the word in general.

I came up with the word Betterments as a substitution, mostly because trying to be better at something resonates with me more so than the action of a Resolution. Tomato, tomahto. Regardless of what term I decide to use, the theory behind it and the action applied towards it pretty much remains the same.

This year I've come up with a small list of Betterments. It sounds a little daunting, really, stating that I have a list rather than just one area of betterment to focus on. The thing with this year is that all of my Betterments revolve around changes that I've already been trying to make, but just haven't fully committed to. Betterments in progress, you might say. 

1. Reduce spending. If you happened to read my previous blog, you already know this is probably going to be the most difficult Betterment for me to achieve. It's something that I've been working on here and there for years, with marginal success. The thing is, it's not so much the reducing of spending as it is finding contentment with the things I already have. I think this is most people's problem when it comes to reducing spending. The world we live in has us convinced that we need to keep up the Joneses in all facets of life, regardless of whether or not the Joneses happen to be living a similar life to us. Keeping up requires spending money on things we think we need, but might not fit our lifestyles. Another aspect of societal influence is that most everything is either disposable or replaceable. I hate this. I hate waste. I hate replacing things that I've already purchased. From Tupperware to underwear, I subconsciously keep track of my belongings to the point that I might seem overly materialistic. The fact of the matter is that I buy things for a reason, usually with some degree of thoughtfulness, and having to replace them is not only irritating, but it's taking money away from things that I would rather put money towards, like trips, a house, a savings account, etc. I'm making a list of all the things I'm not allowed to buy in the New Year, including, but not limited to: blankets, bars of soap, socks, national parks t-shirts, clothing of any kind (except necessities, and I'm to look at the Goodwill first), non-perishable foods (unless we run out of something, currently we're stocked for the apocalypse), bath products (until current supply is gone...again, apocalypse), shoes, dog treats (he doesn't eat them anyway, he much prefers apple and carrot scraps). So what does that leave? Not much, really. The truth is, there's really not much I need anyway, so hopefully if I can change my mindset, I'll manage to get by with the surplus of things I already have. 

2. Increase savings/start investing. Like a lot of people out there, I have an employer-sponsored retirement investment account. In lieu of a traditional pension plan, my employer matches any contributions I make up to 4%, so that's what I've been contributing. I also have a retirement account from a previous employer that I can't contribute to anymore, which continues to sit and slowly gain interest. In addition I have a Roth IRA that is connected to my credit card, and all my points go toward the IRA as incremental investments. I have multiple savings accounts set aside for different things (trips, rent, future college expenses, etc), all with automatic deposits set on a weekly basis. There's money stashed in other random places and accounts, and one of my Betterment goals for 2018 is to simplify all these accounts. Roll things together if I can. I've been reading the Mr. Money Mustache blog, and I think I'm ready to dive into the world of investing. Nothing crazy, and nothing too complicated, but something that I think is relatively safe and attainable. At 38 years old, I definitely haven't been as proactive as I should have been with my investments and preparing for my financial future, and most of all, my financial freedom. I'm in a perfect position at the moment to start saving a significant amount of money, given that I'm completely free of debt, I live very simply and cheaply, I have virtually no dependents (other than my elderly dog who costs me very little these days), and I have a job that pays well. I just need to get that spending under control.

3. Sell the van.  Oh the van...dear BAVerly. We've had our camper van for almost 2 years now, and while she's been a lot of fun and taken us to a lot of places, we're realizing that we went a little bit too big with our first van. We're realizing now that we could easily get by with something much more simple, and overall, much less expensive. However, it was a great (albeit expensive) learning experience, and we had a lot of fun along the way. Given the current market on camper vans, there's really no way we're going to get out of this without taking a loss, and we're as okay as we're going to get with that. Keeping the van is only costing us money at this point, and we figure that now is as good a time as any to get out and start putting our money elsewhere. We'll definitely miss her, as traveling in a high-top Sprinter with all the bells and whistles was an amazing treat, but it's just overkill at this point with our current goals. That's just how it goes sometimes. Now where did we stash that tent...

4. Commit to a low-carb diet. I really don't like the word diet. It implies that you're sacrificing foodstuffs that you like with the overall goal of being more healthy, but slightly more miserable in that you don't get to eat your favorite things. I've also found that you have to be careful who you say the word "diet" around, as people are oddly very easily offended by the food choices of others. I still don't understand that, and it baffles me. I'll never forget the uproar I caused amongst my friends and family some time ago when I had given up bacon. It was a dietary choice I was trying to better my health and well-being, and I was shocked at how upset people were about it. Why should it matter what I'm eating or not eating? I've found that it's almost easier just to not mention it at all. When making any dietary changes, I've always been very up front with people in telling them not to go out of their way for me, and if they're making dinner for me I'll eat whatever they're making because a) I love when people cook for me, b) I'm a social eater, and I'm not about to let my dietary goals get in the way of that, and c) I love trying new foods, even if they're not exactly part of my current meal plan. I'm really a very low-maintenance eater, even when trying to cut certain things out. So let's talk about what I'm going to be cutting out...hopefully no feelings will be hurt...hahaha! I'm going to try to significantly decrease or even eliminate complex carbs, better known as bread, pasta, tortillas, most grains, and some starchy veggies. I'm looking to also decrease the amount of processed sugar that I eat while still giving myself the option to eat fresh fruit. I've been trying to decrease the amount of sugar and carbs in my diet over the past few months, and truth be told, I don't really miss them. The holidays are always tough, of course, as there are more cakes, cookies, and treats both sweet and savory than I could shake a stick at, and of course I wanted to try a little bit of every single one. So I did, but rather than eating three of something I ate only one, or I just took a bite, or I shared with a friend. There are ways around all those indulgences without feeling deprived, even during the holidays. I was actually really good this summer when I ate a mostly whole-food diet. I ate meat, veggies, fruit, a sparing amount of dairy (mostly goat cheese), and minimal grains, mostly in the form of rice. I can't tell you enough how good it felt. I lost 8 pounds almost immediately, and these were pounds that I'd been carrying around for months and despite going to the gym, I just couldn't seem to lose them. I didn't have that after-dinner bloat, I had great energy, and dare I say my skin even cleared up. There's definitely a lot of truth in the correlation between what we eat and how we feel.  

5. Drink less coffee. Is there nothing sacred in this world?? Christ in a sidecar, first I give up bread, and now I'm giving up coffee. A little background on this one is probably in order. I'm one of those weird people who is unresponsive to caffeine. I can drink a huge cup of coffee and take a nap or sleep fitfully through the night immediately afterward. In fact, I've been noticing that after drinking coffee, I frequently feel more tired; I get that 10am exhaustion thing going on. I've also come to the realization that without copious amounts of cream and sugar, I don't actually like the taste of coffee all that much. I've also been noticing, whether it's related to the cream, the sugar, or the coffee itself, that I don't really feel all that well after drinking coffee...sometimes it gives me heartburn, sometimes it makes me nauseated. Sometimes it makes me have to pee five times in the span of an hour. I find myself wondering what exactly it is that I actually enjoy about coffee. So how does this bode for the creator of the High Altitude Coffee Club here in Flagstaff? Well, I'm clearly going to make exceptions for frou-frou coffee with friends, because I love the social aspect of conversing whilst holding a warm cup of sweet coffee. In the meantime, I'll drink tea. I've actually been drinking a cup of tea almost daily for the past week, and truth be told, I'm enjoying it. I need to drink more water anyway, so water in the form of tea seems like a suitable substitution to make.

6. Exercise more. Ha, the resolution that makes it onto 99% of American's lists this time of year. Gyms are waiving their initiation fees, the group classes are packed, Target has a plethora of exercise-inspired items in their discount section at the front of the store (not to be confused with the discounted holiday candy section at the back of the store)...on and on it goes. I would say I'm a relatively active person already, although I could definitely stand to add in some form of activity on a daily basis. Even something as simple as a 3-4 mile walk would get me outside, where I could feasibly enjoy the fresh air and see what's going on around the neighborhood or in the woods behind our place. I have a membership to the local YMCA, and while it's not the biggest or most well-appointed gym I've ever been to, it suits my needs at a fraction of the cost of most of the other gyms in town. I really enjoy the classes, which is the main reason that I go. I've been thinking about getting a punch-card to one of the local yoga gyms as well, and conveniently enough, there's one located within walking distance of where I live, so I could get in a walk and a yoga session all in the same outing. 

7. Start my own IVs at the hospital. I figure that while I'm at it, I might as well throw in a Betterment related to my profession in nursing. The other night, I started my first IV in probably over three years. I told my patient afterwards that I hadn't started an IV in three years, as I figured that telling him that beforehand might have resulted in a refusal...he still somehow managed to be impressed, and commented that he was happy to help. Unlike some hospitals, we don't have an IV team at the hospital at night, and while we do have one designated person in the hospital to help us out if we have an IV that we can't get ourselves, it is an expectation that floor nurses are to at least attempt to start IVs themselves before calling in backup. Over the past few years I have definitely inappropriately relied on them more than I should. It's almost to the point where I can see their disappointment when they show up, knowing that I'm completely capable of starting IVs myself. It's embarrassing for me as well. As a nurse, this is a basic skill, and I need to quit making excuses for why I don't try. The truth is, I don't like starting IVs. It's really about the only thing related to patient care that I actually loathe. It's something that I've never really been all that good at, it's painful for the patients, and it makes me feel like a failure when I miss. But, as a healthcare provider, I feel that I should at least start making more attempts at IVs, especially given that I function as a charge nurse from time to time, and helping out my staff with IVs frees them up to do other things. As of this typing, I'm 1:1 with successful IV starts. No where to go but up, right?

8. Start bike commuting. Given that Flagstaff is a smallish town and is very easily accessed by bike, Simon and I are planning to start riding our bikes more for our daily runarounds. This Betterment ties into a few of the aforementioned Betterments, namely saving money and exercising. This Betterment most likely won't be fully starting until spring, as I hate riding bike in the cold and snow. Not that we have snow yet, but it's definitely cold, at least in the mornings. Excuses, excuses. However, knowing myself and my weaknesses and my penchant for excuses related to weather, I think it's best to delay this Betterment to a time that will result in the best chance of success. So, springtime. Simon and I actually rode our bikes to a class the other day, it was about 4 miles one way and it was 32 degrees outside. I was not physically prepared for the ride or the weather. I was wearing pants that kept getting caught in the front cog, and rather than stopping to adjust the pants, I just kept angrily pulling them up for the entire ride. I also didn't have a suitable pair of gloves to wear that would keep my hands warm at that temperature. I have a pair of snowboarding mittens, but I have reservations about how well I'll be able to pull the brake with mittens, as I prefer to just use a finger or two for that. I guess it's all about adjustment. I haven't actually tried riding in mittens yet, but I will. Simon just bought me a fancy pair of puffy mittens that look like an updated version of choppers to wear while bike commuting, so hopefully those will work out. I don't really have a suitable commuter bike either. It could be argued that any bike can function as a commuter bike, but 2 of my 3 bikes don't have gears, and given the hills I have to ride up and down in this town, gears are kind of essential to my success. The geared bike is a full-suspension mountain bike, and while I love to ride it on trails, I don't really like riding it on the road. It's just not efficient. So I'm going to sell both my bikes that don't have gears and put that money towards a road-friendly commuter bike with gears. There goes my fixed-gear cred. ;) Obviously this Betterment will be a work in progress while I assemble the necessary gear, but like starting IVs on my patients, I really just need to start doing it.

9. Resume writing in my Gratitude Journal. Simon bought me a gratitude journal a couple years back when I was going through a rough period of shitty attitude. I really have no idea why, as life is and has been pretty good for me over the years. I think we just get in those funks where we feel sorry for ourselves and forget to remind ourselves about how good our lives really are. It's a simple little journal, and I basically write in it each and day and catalogue a few things that I'm grateful for, a couple things that would make the day great, and at the end of day, what went well and what I could have done to have made it even better. It doesn't leave whole lot of room to focus on the negative, and I think that's a good thing. Sometimes I look back through my traditional journals from years ago, and more often than not, I had written down things that were upsetting or frustrating, while neglecting to write down that things that were fun and exciting. My life is much more satisfying than it isn't, and I think a daily reminder of that first thing in the morning will hopefully get me and keep me on the right track for the rest of the day. 

Nine things to work on in the new year. Traditionally speaking, that's quite a lot, and there's a chance that not all these things will come to fruition like I hope. I think the main thing that'll get me off on the right foot is that I've already started doing most of these things, so incorporating them on a more consistent basis is the biggest change that I need to make. I know I can do it, and while I might come up short in some ways, at least I'm trying. I think that's the best we can do some days. Good luck with your Resolutions (or Betterments!) in the coming year, I wish you the utmost success! And if you need a little inspiration or motivation, let's meet up for coffee (or tea!) and chat about it. Sometimes an alternate perspective makes all the difference in the world. :)